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Lessons on Divorce Mediation from a Town Moderator

Joseph F Dillon — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 17:32:29 +0000

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog you know by now that I am an Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and that part of my responsibilities are to continually educate myself in changes in the law as well as learn new divorce mediation techniques in order to help couples come to better, more efficient agreements. I’m willing to take a lesson or learn a new divorce mediation technique from whatever source I can so I constantly search the web, newspapers, magazines and listen to radio programs to see if there is some small nugget I can glean from what it is I am absorbing. Today I ran across an article written by a gentleman who is a Town Moderator and could have sworn it was written by me. In it he outlined ten things he’s learned in his many years of moderating town hall meetings and much to my surprise, the concepts he listed in them are pretty much the same as what I would tell you as a NJ divorce mediator. You can read the entire article from Mr. Ericson by clicking here but I’d like to highlight some of the key concepts which I think are worth reinforcing.

“We benefit from those who have gone before us, asked good questions, and made constructive suggestions.” As your divorce mediator, it is my role to bring my years of experience handling the cases of New Jersey couples who came before you that may have faced a situation very similar to yours. While we work very hard to create a settlement that is unique to every client, sometimes as the old saying goes “why reinvent the wheel?”
“People are more willing to contribute ideas… in a respectful environment.” I realize that things may get heated at times in a divorce mediation session and we may not always be on our best behavior but like mom said, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”
“People have an intuitive sense of fairness.” I have to believe as a NJ divorce mediator that deep down people know the right thing to do so it simply becomes a question of do they want to? That is entirely up to the two of you.
“The more complete and accurate the information, the less speculation we encounter in debate.” As mediation is a good faith negotiation, it requires the full disclosure of all relevant information, voluntarily and without hesitation since not doing so will lead to suspicion, a loss of good will and in turn degrade the mediation process.

So really at the end of the day what’s most important you ask? I think the above four points summarize divorce mediation nicely, don’t you?

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

Another Reason to Use Mediation: Child Support Warrants

Joseph F Dillon — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 13:40:15 +0000

In an article in today’s Newark Star Leger, it was reported that 864 warrants were served to delinquent parents who either skipped out on paying child support or that no child support order existed altogether. The crackdown led to the collection of nearly $165,000 in unpaid child support orders and represented one of the largest sweeps of it’s kind in New Jersey with all 21 counties participating in the operation over a three day period. As a New Jersey divorce mediator I can tell you that while most divorcing couples understand that child support is an obligation they both have to the children and that children should not become the economic victims of divorce, not everyone fully agrees. In these cases, it’s often the disagreement the parents have that leads to the child being penalized. If you surveyed 1000 divorced parents, I could all but guarantee you that 999 of them when asked the question” do you want to be a good parent” would say “yes.” I’ve never met a person who said “no, I do not want to be a good parent to my child after my divorce.” So then the question becomes why not pay support?

What we see during post divorce parent coordination is that some disagreement between the two individuals has led to one withholding financial remuneration as a way of penalizing the other parent. Usually the amounts are rather small in nature with most being less than $50 but after a few years taken in total, they can really add up. Or if we’re discussing regular child support obligations during divorce mediation sessions, that cover the basics such as food, shelter and clothing, the issue becomes one parent feels they are the only one paying child support. As we mentioned in our last article, you are both technically paying child support even though one of you is writing the check. The greatest misunderstanding we have with clients of Equitable Mediation Services is that only one of them is actually paying child support which is simply untrue. Second in line is the misconception that the amount will be some unreasonable dollar figure that they simply cannot afford (also untrue). Basic support awards are based on a number of factors such as income of both parties, the number of overnights the children spend with each of you, etc. Support obligations start as low as $5 a week with the thought being New Jersey simply wants to ensure that you pay something towards the cost of your child. And while perhaps $5 a week is a lot of money to someone of very modest means, as a parent your responsibility lies with the child.

So what do you do? You use divorce mediation to settle your differences be they prior to your divorce or after it. Studies have shown that 50% of all court ordered child support orders are being followed one year later while 85% of mediated child support orders are. Why do you think this is? My theory is because no one likes to be told what to do and if you have a hand in creating your own agreement as divorce mediation or post divorce parent coordination allows you to do, you will be more likely to adhere to the tenants of that agreement and your child will get the support and resources they deserve.

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Equitable Mediation Services is a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Union and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster and surrounding areas.

Should Fault be a Factor in Divorce?

Joseph F Dillon — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 15:52:48 +0000

Today I read an interesting article from the Arizona East Valley Tribune about how the Arizona legislature is considering making fault a factor in divorce in the state and thought to myself this is insane. Forgive me for a moment as I understand my role as a divorce mediator in New Jersey is to be a neutral third party that has no opinion on anything but when I saw this I felt I had to break out of my role and share. It seems the legislature is considering allowing judges in divorce cases to use various faults to weigh into their decision on what child support and spousal support / alimony awards would look like. Granted this is being considered in Arizona where perhaps the same statutes that apply here in New Jersey on the equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities do not apply, but I’m having a difficult time thinking as a divorce mediator how allowing fault to be a factor would result in a “fair and equitable” settlement.

Are there egregious cases where perhaps fault could apply such a domestic violence cases or infidelity? Perhaps but that to me is a slippery slope. If the whole idea of using a divorce mediation service is to get out of a bad marriage and move forward with your life, I guess my thought is that as painful as it might be, you need to put the past where it belongs and recognize that moving on with your life isn’t worth the pain that looking back might cause.

Now I’m sure there are those who say “wait a minute what about a case where one spouse cheated on another and the spouse that got cheated on had to pay support?” Perhaps those would be one of my exceptions but what the Arizona legislature is proposing seems to be pretty much open-ended allowing any factor be it recent or say ten years old come into play. Not to mention there are no proposed definitions of what constitutes fault. Is not doing the dishes one night after a dinner party 5 years ago something one could bring up as an issue of fault in a divorce proceeding? The way the law is being proposed right now in Arizona, it very well could be and forgive me but I don’t think that’s fair and equitable but I guess that’s why I’m a mediator and not a legislator.

As you’ve seen me say before, mediation allows each of you come to an agreement that works for you (and your children when applicable) that rises to your standard of what is considered fair and equitable. In all of my years doing this job I can tell you that 99% of the time people wind up doing the fair and equitable thing in their collective opinion. Yes it may take them some time to get there but most of the time, in fact, nearly all of the time, they get there as much as it would have seemed they would not have when we first started mediation. But notice I didn’t say “the right thing” or “what I though was fair and equitable” as it’s not up to me to say what’s fair to them or not. Sure as a NJ divorce mediator I need to keep an eye on the proceedings to make sure one party doesn’t take advantage of a power imbalance between the parties, be it financial or emotional, but if the parties agree and they are both of sound mind and body, then who am I to judge?

I leave that to the women and men in the black robes.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you. Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready. We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Mediation: Because Dirty Laundry Belongs in the Wash, Not in Court

Joseph F Dillon — Thu, 28 May 2009 12:29:04 +0000

In today’s Wall Street Journal, there was an article about the fight over revealing divorce details and the potential damage it could do to the individuals involved and their children. The author’s point was that it was difficult to tell where the first amendment and the public’s “right to know” ended and the seemingly insatiable interest in gossip we have now-a-days begins. Just walk by a newsstand or search the Internet for a celebrity’s name and an endless stream of information will appear before your eyes on everything from what they had for dinner last night to the latest rumor about their sexuality. But if you think it’s just limited to celebrities, think again. It seems these days that there is no such thing as private information given how much data is publicly available on us. Just do a search on your name in Google and be prepared for what you find. Do you really want this information out there when it comes to your divorce?

As you may already know, divorce proceedings are open to the public and anyone including your co-workers, neighbors and relatives can sit in the gallery and listen to every sordid detail. All of this is happening while you pay your attorneys tens of thousands of dollars to come to a settlement you and your ex could have pretty much put together yourself with the help of a New Jersey divorce mediator so what it really comes down to is personal choice. Do you go the adversarial route and fight this out in public or do you go the mediation route and resolve your differences in private?

There are many benefits of mediation and if you’re like me, privacy is a big one because what happened during my marriage is my business and should remain only my business. When you use a mediation service, there is no such breech as everything we do is behind closed doors and stays in the confines of our mediation sessions, keeping the details of your settlement completely private as opposed to the alternative which (well read this article and see what I mean) isn’t exactly ideal. And if you think grandstanding in open court is going to get you a more favorable settlement, think again. I can’t imagine when you and your soon to be ex are screaming at each other in front of dozens of total strangers, you are going to end up with a good result. As much as we’d like to think we’re adults, divorce can make us do crazy things and cooler heads don’t always prevail. But with the help of a divorce mediator in New Jersey you and your spouse will be surprised at just how much progress you can make towards peacefully ending your marriage. It doesn’t have to be as hard as the movies and television would like you to believe and by making the decision to keep your divorce details to yourself, I promise you, both you and your children will be better off in the long run.

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How to Cope with your Parent’s Divorce

Joseph F Dillon — Thu, 07 May 2009 16:21:05 +0000

Normally as a NJ divorce mediator, I blog about items of interest to couples seeking divorce mediation services in New Jersey or elsewhere and tend to write postings aimed at divorcing couples. Today I’d like to change all that and share with you an interesting article I read by Rachel Shields in The Independent regarding how to cope as a child with your parents divorce. And while it doesn’t matter is your 5 or 25 when your parents get divorced, it always seems to put you square in the middle even if you don’t want to be. The article gave four tips for coping but what really struck me is that each of them centered around dealing with the acrimony that can still remain long after couples are divorced. For regular readers of my blog, you know that I am a big proponent of the benefits of mediation and this article is one of the reasons why.

Part of getting a divorce is dealing with the residual anger that often accompanies being torn apart. Hurt feelings can linger long after the final divorce decree has been filed with the courts. But why? What happened that someone never got past all of this and will now let it overshadow their relationship with their adult children? In one example, the author speaks of the “Wedding Day” scenario with still dueling parents. I mean really, it’s my wedding day and I have to worry about who to sit next to whom? You are my mom and you are my dad and I would like you to be there for me, not to have to deal with your squabbling 25 years down the road. Your marriage status may have changed but your role as my parents did not, no matter what the courts say.

One of the ways we manage this in divorce mediation is to recognize the myriad of feelings that accompany divorce and encourage divorcing couples to work with outside mental health professionals who can help them. For high conflict cases, I even recommend my mediation clients go see a marriage counselor. You must be thinking I’m crazy but my thought is that one of the reasons you wound up in front of a divorce mediator is that your communication skills probably weren’t all that great when you were married. And now that you don’t have the covenant of marriage to encourage you to be better communicators, you’re going to need to learn some skills because chances are, when it comes to raising your kids, you’ll both still have a lot of years ahead of you where you will be interacting on their behalf.

And seriously. you don’t want to ruin their wedding, do you?

Divorce: More Than Just Splitting of Assets

Joseph F Dillon — Wed, 06 May 2009 12:20:46 +0000

I saw this interesting article regarding “who gets the church after a divorce” and I thought how interesting as often times we as NJ divorce mediators only think in terms of assets and liabilities when it comes to discussing equitable distribution. But what about other non-financial “assets” such as community? How do they get divided?

Have you given any thought to what your social life and support network might look like after your divorce? It may be worth considering and discussing with your soon to be ex-spouse although I’m not sure how you would put that into a Memorandum of Understanding.

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Helping Children Cope with Divorce

Joseph F Dillon — Mon, 04 May 2009 12:59:33 +0000

Sometimes we get so caught up in our divorce or mediation sessions that we forget sometimes there are others out there who may be afraid, have questions or be confused about what exactly is going on. Your children would be those individuals.

In this interesting article from The Whittier Daily News in California, one group is helping the youngest victims of divorce get their questions answered through a medium that even the youngest children can understand: puppets. And while you don’t need a puppet to explain to your kids what is going on, take the time to talk to them and see what their concerns are because what you’re feeling, they feel tenfold.

Don’t Let a Bad Mediator Happen to you

Joseph F Dillon — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:44:50 +0000

Yesterday I was reading a news article with a rather interesting title “When Bad Lawyers Happen to Good People” and I got to thinking how true that old adage about one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch is. Well in the case of the basket containing divorce lawyers, there may be a few good apples in the bunch but more often than not, you hear of stories that will make you never want to participate in the legal process again. And while people may tend to blame the lawyer, more often than not, it’s the system that’s to blame and people’s misunderstanding of the players, their roles and their part in the process.

When participating in a traditional attorney-driven divorce, the parties are often encouraged to continue the fight in the name of “getting what they want.” Inflammatory remarks are made, suspect advice is given the circle goes around and around. Is this due to a bad attorney? Perhaps but as an advocate, your lawyer is simply doing what you instruct them to do so bad news: you’ve got a hand in prolonging this conflict too. However when using a NJ divorce mediator, the process is completely different.

There aren’t two warring parties and their representatives but rather a group of three people engaging in a collaborative effort to resolve the issues, not prolong the conflict. At Equitable Mediation Services instead of suspect advice you will get open and honest dialog about your options and you can choose what works best for you and your family. Well, I’m sure this all sounds great but what does this have to do with the title of this article?

In any field, there are good and shall we say “inadequate” professionals and what makes someone a good or bad practitioner could be a subject of lengthy debate but the one thing I have come to learn is this. In the fields of law and mediation, there is a sharp contrast between being able to effectively mediate and practicing law. All too many times, as this article suggested, the lawyers try to mediate and really just wind up giving legal advice and inadvertently prolong the conflict. There is much to know about divorce mediation as it truly is different from litigating but who should litigate and who should mediate is become an interesting question. When bad mediators happen to good people, it is my experience that these are “lawyer-mediators” who want you to believe that by using their services they can provide you both legal advice and mediation services.

They can’t. Not now, not ever.

This is at worst a conflict of interest and at best illegal. So when you are considering who you should choose as your New Jersey divorce mediator just remember this: you wouldn’t bring your car to be fixed to your dry cleaner, would you? So why would you let an attorney handle your mediation?

Mediation Puts Kids First, Not in the Middle

Joseph F Dillon — Wed, 15 Apr 2009 20:30:29 +0000

Regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog will know that I openly admit my bias toward making sure the children of divorce have a seat at the table. Even though they are never physically present at our sessions because divorce is an adult topic and one best not discussed in front of the children, their interests, needs and well-being remain the focus of our sessions.

With that in mind, today I saw an interesting website for a group called “Kids in the Middle” that operates out of St. Louis which offered tips for a “cooperative parenting” arrangement and each of the suggestions were ones that we already use in divorce mediation. As a NJ divorce mediator, I see countless couples sitting across from me arguing over some of the most inane things you can imagine, often times forgetting that their children need to come first. The best is when they say something like the following:

“I’m only [doing this / asking for this / acting this way] because I feel it’s in the best interests of my children. I’ve spoken to my friends and family and they absolutely agree with me that I should [fight to the death / until I'm broke] to make sure this happens.”

Hmm…

First, let’s recognize that you’re angry and scared that you will never see your children again. Divorce mediation works with couples to ensure a fair and balanced parenting plan is in place that both the parents and the children will benefit from. It doesn’t do anyone any good to have the kids spend time with only one parent and never see the other again.

Next is the news flash – you are the adult so you need to start acting like it. Tough, I know but you need to make sure you do what’s in the kid’s best interests, not what you perceive to be in their best interests. That’s where an experienced mediator can really help you out and help you develop options that really work, not just what you think will work. Oh and by they way? They are not your children as they are not possessions. Children should be raised by both parents, not just you.

Then there is the validation of friends and family. Of course they will absolutely agree with you! They are YOUR friends and family! It’s their role to do so and perhaps in doing so you need to consider that their advice may be a little bit biased… sorry but it’s true. NJ divorce mediators are neutral third parties who don’t take sides and help you develop options based on many years of experience. And while we can’t tell you what to do, we can tell you what other couples in similar situations as yours have done and let you draw your own conclusions from their successes which hopefully can become yours.

And last but not least is the “battle royale.” If you go broke in the process of fighting for your children, how will you put a roof over their heads or food on the table? Will you, through your anger, bleed their college savings dry just to fight this fight in court where the only people who get rich are the lawyers? Think it through and you will see, prolonging the fight is not in anyone’s best interest, especially your children’s.

By using a mediation service and putting kids first, you will not only come to better agreements in a more peaceful manner, you will save tens of thousands of dollars in the process and get down to what’s really important: spending time with your children and moving on with your lives. And isn’t moving on with your life the reason why you started this whole process in the first place?

Mediation: Teaching Communication Skills To Help You Cope

Joseph F Dillon — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 11:57:23 +0000

For those of you who read my three-part series on parenting plans and mediation, you read my analysis on six areas that make for effective parenting post-divorce and one of those items was effective conflict resolution. As a New Jersey divorce mediator the people who come see me are already in crisis and most likely not getting along very well since they are here to discuss their divorce. What people don’t usually realize is that just because you have been arguing and gotten to a point where you are unable to effectively communicate, if you have children, that doesn’t absolve you of your responsibilities.

When it comes to being parents, guess what? You will always need to be parents and for many of the clients we see at Equitable Mediation Services they will be interacting with each other vis a vis their children for a longer period of time than they were actually married! For example, couples who have been married five years with a three year-old child (if that child goes to college) will be discussing issues related to him or her for another 19 years, nearly four time longer than they were married so they better learn to communicate or it’s going to be a very long 19 years…

In this recent article the author gives some good tips for managing your life as co-parents after your divorce and one of the ones that struck me is something we say in our mediation sessions all of the time: focus on your children. Sure you and your ex aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore but you are going to be mom and dad as that responsibility will never change. When couples come me us, they are in conflict, no doubt about that but it is amazing what you can accomplish if you always bring it back to the one thing they share, have in common and can agree is most important: their children.

A common trap that all of us fall into, even with our friends, co-workers or other family members, is the desire to be right. That desire overwhelms us and causes us to become argumentative until finally, neither party knows just exactly what started this argument in the first place and what it’s all about. By staying focuses on the issues at hand, in this case your parenting plan you can remain focused on what is the most important aspect of your lives after divorce: your child. Bringing it back to the children as the author suggests is one of the best ways I find to help divorcing couples settle down and work to resolve their differences as I’ve never heard a single person say to me (ever!) “I want to be a bad parent” or “no, I don’t care about the welfare of my children.” If you come down to it and remember to focus on why you are there in the first place (to talk about your kids) the rest of the garbage will usually fall away.

But what if it doesn’t? That’s where a mediation clause comes in. In my last post I gave an example of a mediation clause I use in my Memorandum of Understanding and would suggest you model something similar in your divorce decree as well. Of course you should always try to work it out on your own but if you can’t, it’s OK to bring in a professional mediator who can help you work through the issues. Remember: the same skills a NJ divorce mediator brings to help couples contemplating or going through a divorce, are the same skills that are required to resolve issues after divorce as well so we always welcome parents who need a little help getting past those communication barriers.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you pre or post-divorce, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you. Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready. We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.