Managing Partner and Equitable Mediation founder Joseph Dillon said “I know I speak for everyone here at Equitable Mediation when I say that we’re pleased to be able to assist divorce mediation clients in an office location that’s convenient for them during their time of need and by expanding into Paramus, Saddle Book and Hackensack, we’re able to do just that for Bergen County couples.”

Until recently Equitable Mediation Services focused mostly on Central NJ and the lower part of Northern NJ with office locations in Bedminster, Bridgewater, East Brunswick, Iselin (Metropark), Morristown Princeton, Short Hills, Red Bank and Roseland.  With the expansion into Bergen County and the towns of Paramus, Saddle Book and Hackensack, clients in those areas will still be able to obtain the benefits of mediation in NJ but in a location that’s much closer to their home.  This is especially convenient for those individuals who may live in New Jersey but work in New York City which many Bergen County resident do.

“Our clients come to us from all over the state and up until recently, for those individuals who phoned us seeking mediation services in Paramus, Saddle Book or Hackensack, the best we could do was offer them a meeting in one of our other office locations which for some, wasn’t convenient.  Having these three new office locations is going to make it easier on our clients in Bergen County to get the services they need from a firm they can trust.  We’ve been mediating for a long time and divorce mediation is our full time profession.  Using an unknown firm without Accredited Professional Mediators just isn’t something clients should want to take a chance on.”

Because the laws of the State apply to all clients who are eligible to file for divorce in New Jersey,  Equitable Mediation Services is able to service clients no matter where they live.  Adding three new Bergen County office locations is in line with the Equitable Mediation philosophy of reducing the stress of an already uncomfortable situation by being where the clients need divorce mediation services the most. For information on the new Equitable Mediation Services office locations, please see the addresses below.

• Paramus Divorce Mediation: 140 East Ridgewood Avenue – Paramus, New Jersey
• Saddle Brook Divorce Mediation: (the Park 80 West building)- 250 Pehle Avenue, Suite 200 – Saddle Brook, New Jersey
• Hackensack Divorce Mediation (opening winter 2012) – 401 Hackensack Avenue – Suite 200 – Hackensack, New Jersey

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ or our services, please call us at (908) 864-2177.

When it comes to divorce mediation in New Jersey, most of the decisions to be made are entirely up to the parties involved.  And while yes, the law is involved to a certain degree, if both parties are of sound mind and understand the consequences of their decisions, they are free to make any choices they want, even if others may perceive them as bad ones.  In divorce mediation we call it the principle of self-determination.  We as human beings and residents of the State of New Jersey  can make whatever decisions we’d like to make even if it is perceived as not being in our own self-interest.  Don’t get me wrong – mediators are not potted plants simply put there to monitor the proceedings and bless whatever decisions the parties make – we too have our own principle of self-determination in play and we too can decide to make a decision that’s in our own self-interest and that may be to leave the mediation.  But unlike our attorney friends, we don’t always assume we’re right.

Take for example the case I had in which the parties had what I refer to as an “un-equitable distribution.” In this case, after laying out all of their marital assets and liabilities, the wife was receiving literally 91% of everything they had accumulated over their 15 years of marriage.  To make matters more interesting, the husband refused spousal support even though he made 60% less than the wife did.   Now if you were a trained advocate, wouldn’t you be sitting there trying to convince him this was a bad idea?  Perhaps but if you were doing that, you’d probably be too busy to notice the only asset the husband wanted was the couple’s cemetery plot.

Think about it.

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and a Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and all surrounding areas.

]]> http://www.njdivorcemediationblog.com/2011/02/the-best-lawyers-are-the-worst-mediators/feed/ 0 http://www.njdivorcemediationblog.com/2011/01/one-stop-mediation-firms-illegal-unethical-or-both/ http://www.njdivorcemediationblog.com/2011/01/one-stop-mediation-firms-illegal-unethical-or-both/#comments Thu, 20 Jan 2011 18:08:08 +0000 Joseph F Dillon http://www.njdivorcemediationblog.com/?p=972 While most NJ divorce mediators perform mediation services on a part-time basis, divorce mediation is my full-time role.   Many of those practicing mediation part-time are also attorneys and have added mediation to help expand their practice.  And while I am perfectly fine with attorneys trying to expand their practices by offering mediation services, I do take issue when they claim to be able to act as your mediator and your attorney playing the role of a neutral third party to start and then representing only one of you when drafting your property settlement agreement.  For NJ couples seeking mediation services, a one stop shop where they can hire both their mediator and their attorney in the same place or better yet in the same person may seem like a great idea but I ask you this: who’s watching out for whose interest and who is getting the short end of the stick? Is this illegal, unethical or both?  The answer may surprise you.

Divorce Mediators are neutral third parties that provide legal information and help facilitate the discussions necessary to help two parties come to agreements regarding the issues surrounding their divorce.  Mediators do not represent either party and cannot give advice or tell the parties what to do.  Mediators have no stake in the outcome as we don’t view divorce as a win-lose situation.

Attorneys are advocates whose only job is to represent their client (and their client only) to get them the best possible deal.  They aren’t focused on fair and equitable and they aren’t watching out for both parties’ interests. They do have a stake in outcome as their success in getting you and only you the best possible deal will most certainly impact your satisfaction with them as an attorney and ultimately their professional reputation.

So now here’s the dilemma: how does an attorney go from being a neutral third party mediator for the first part of your divorce and then to being an advocate as an attorney for another part of it?  Isn’t that illegal? Since they can only represent one of you, who do they choose?  Does that mean one of you now has to get your own new attorney?  Do you go unrepresented?  What happens if there is a problem in the future?  Do you have any recourse?  How much will it cost you to resolve?  Do you think they may be biased against one of you knowing they’ll ultimately wind up representing the other party?

Hiring one individual or firm to be both your mediator and attorney is like hiring the fox to watch the chicken coop: it’s not a good idea.  Period. I believe it to be unethical, illegal and just plain wrong.

Seek the services of an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey who can hep you and your spouse resolve all of the issues surrounding your divorce without any bias towards each of you.  It is only by doing so that each of you can rest assured that you’ll get a fair and equitable solution to your divorce.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey and can be reached at (908) 864-2177.

1. “We benefit from those who have gone before us, asked good questions, and made constructive suggestions.” As your divorce mediator, it is my role to bring my years of experience handling the cases of New Jersey couples who came before you that may have faced a situation very similar to yours.  While we work very hard to create a settlement that is unique to every client, sometimes as the old saying goes “why reinvent the wheel?”
2. “People are more willing to contribute ideas… in a respectful environment.” I realize that things may get heated at times in a divorce mediation session and we may not always be on our best behavior but like mom said, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”
3. “People have an intuitive sense of fairness.” I have to believe as a NJ divorce mediator that deep down people know the right thing to do so it simply becomes a question of do they want to? That is entirely up to the two of you.
4. “The more complete and accurate the information, the less speculation we encounter in debate.” As mediation is a good faith negotiation, it requires the full disclosure of all relevant information, voluntarily and without hesitation since not doing so will lead to suspicion, a loss of good will and in turn degrade the mediation process.

So really at the end of the day what’s most important you ask?  I think the above four points summarize divorce mediation nicely, don’t you?

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

What we see during post divorce parent coordination is that some disagreement between the two individuals has led to one withholding financial remuneration as a way of penalizing the other parent.  Usually the amounts are rather small in nature with most being less than $50 but after a few years taken in total, they can really add up.   Or if we’re discussing regular child support obligations during divorce mediation sessions, that cover the basics such as food, shelter and clothing, the issue becomes one parent feels they are the only one paying child support.  As we mentioned in our last article, you are both technically paying child support even though one of you is writing the check.  The greatest misunderstanding we have with clients of Equitable Mediation Services is that only one of them is actually paying child support which is simply untrue.  Second in line is the misconception that the amount will be some unreasonable dollar figure that they simply cannot afford (also untrue).  Basic support awards are based on a number of factors such as income of both parties, the number of overnights the children spend with each of you, etc.  Support obligations start as low as $5 a week with the thought being New Jersey simply wants to ensure that you pay something towards the cost of your child.  And while perhaps $5 a week is a lot of money to someone of very modest means, as a parent your responsibility lies with the child.

So what do you do?  You use divorce mediation to settle your differences be they prior to your divorce or after it.  Studies have shown that 50% of all court ordered child support orders are being followed one year later while 85% of mediated child support orders are.  Why do you think this is?  My theory is because no one likes to be told what to do and if you have a hand in creating your own agreement as divorce mediation or post divorce parent coordination allows you to do, you will be more likely to adhere to the tenants of that agreement and your child will get the support and resources they deserve.

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Equitable Mediation Services is a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Union and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster and surrounding areas.

Are there egregious cases where perhaps fault could apply such a domestic violence cases or infidelity?  Perhaps but that to me is a slippery slope.  If the whole idea of using a divorce mediation service is to get out of a bad marriage and move forward with your life, I guess my thought is that as painful as it might be, you need to put the past where it belongs and recognize that moving on with your life isn’t worth the pain that looking back might cause.

Now I’m sure there are those who say “wait a minute what about a case where one spouse cheated on another and the spouse that got cheated on had to pay support?”  Perhaps those would be one of my exceptions but what the Arizona legislature is proposing seems to be pretty much open-ended allowing any factor be it recent or say ten years old come into play.  Not to mention there are no proposed definitions of what constitutes fault.  Is not doing the dishes one night after a dinner party 5 years ago something one could bring up as an issue of fault in a divorce proceeding?  The way the law is being proposed right now in Arizona, it very well could be and forgive me but I don’t think that’s fair and equitable but I guess that’s why I’m a mediator and not a legislator.

As you’ve seen me say before, mediation allows each of you come to an agreement that works for you (and your children when applicable) that rises to your standard of what is considered fair and equitable.  In all of my years doing this job I can tell you that 99% of the time people wind up doing the fair and equitable thing in their collective opinion.  Yes it may take them some time to get there but most of the time, in fact, nearly all of the time, they get there as much as it would have seemed they would not have when we first started mediation.  But notice I didn’t say “the right thing” or “what I though was fair and equitable” as it’s not up to me to say what’s fair to them or not.  Sure as a NJ divorce mediator I need to keep an eye on the proceedings to make sure one party doesn’t take advantage of a power imbalance between the parties, be it financial or emotional, but if the parties agree and they are both of sound mind and body, then who am I to judge?

I leave that to the women and men in the black robes.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

As you may already know, divorce proceedings are open to the public and anyone including your co-workers, neighbors and relatives can sit in the gallery and listen to every sordid detail.  All of this is happening while you pay your attorneys tens of thousands of dollars to come to a settlement you and your ex could have pretty much put together yourself with the help of a New Jersey divorce mediator so what it really comes down to is personal choice.  Do you go the adversarial route and fight this out in public or do you go the mediation route and resolve your differences in private?

There are many benefits of mediation and if you’re like me, privacy is a big one because what happened during my marriage is my business and should remain only my business.   When you use a mediation service, there is no such breech as everything we do is behind closed doors and stays in the confines of our mediation sessions, keeping the details of your settlement completely private as opposed to the alternative which (well read this article and see what I mean) isn’t exactly ideal.  And if you think grandstanding in open court is going to get you a more favorable settlement, think again.  I can’t imagine when you and your soon to be ex are screaming at each other in front of dozens of total strangers, you are going to end up with a good result.  As much as we’d like to think we’re adults, divorce can make us do crazy things and cooler heads don’t always prevail.  But with the help of a divorce mediator in New Jersey you and your spouse will be surprised at just how much progress you can make towards peacefully ending your marriage.  It doesn’t have to be as hard as the movies and television would like you to believe and by making the decision to keep your divorce details to yourself, I promise you, both you and your children will be better off in the long run.

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If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Part of getting a divorce is dealing with the residual anger that often accompanies being torn apart.  Hurt feelings can linger long after the final divorce decree has been filed with the courts.  But why?  What happened that someone never got past all of this and will now let it overshadow their relationship with their adult children?  In one example, the author speaks of the “Wedding Day” scenario with still dueling parents.  I mean really, it’s my wedding day and I have to worry about who to sit next to whom?  You are my mom and you are my dad and I would like you to be there for me, not to have to deal with your squabbling 25 years down the road.  Your marriage status may have changed but your role as my parents did not, no matter what the courts say.

One of the ways we manage this in divorce mediation is to recognize the myriad of feelings that accompany divorce and encourage divorcing couples to work with outside mental health professionals who can help them.  For high conflict cases, I even recommend my mediation clients go see a marriage counselor.  You must be thinking I’m crazy but my thought is that one of the reasons you wound up in front of a divorce mediator is that your communication skills probably weren’t all that great when you were married.  And now that you don’t have the covenant of marriage to encourage you to be better communicators, you’re going to need to learn some skills because chances are, when it comes to raising your kids, you’ll both still have a lot of years ahead of you where you will be interacting on their behalf.

And seriously. you don’t want to ruin their wedding, do you?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Have you given any thought to what your social life and support network might look like after your divorce?  It may be worth considering and discussing with your soon to be ex-spouse although I’m not sure how you would put that into a Memorandum of Understanding.

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If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.