For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog you know by now that I am an Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and that part of my responsibilities are to continually educate myself in changes in the law as well as learn new divorce mediation techniques in order to help couples come to better, more efficient agreements.  I’m willing to take a lesson or learn a new divorce mediation technique from whatever source I can so I constantly search the web, newspapers, magazines and listen to radio programs to see if there is some small nugget I can glean from what it is I am absorbing.  Today I ran across an article written by a gentleman who is a Town Moderator and could have sworn it was written by me.  In it he outlined ten things he’s learned in his many years of moderating town hall meetings and much to my surprise, the concepts he listed in them are pretty much the same as what I would tell you as a NJ divorce mediator.  You can read the entire article from Mr. Ericson by clicking here but I’d like to highlight some of the key concepts which I think are worth reinforcing.

1. “We benefit from those who have gone before us, asked good questions, and made constructive suggestions.” As your divorce mediator, it is my role to bring my years of experience handling the cases of New Jersey couples who came before you that may have faced a situation very similar to yours.  While we work very hard to create a settlement that is unique to every client, sometimes as the old saying goes “why reinvent the wheel?”
2. “People are more willing to contribute ideas… in a respectful environment.” I realize that things may get heated at times in a divorce mediation session and we may not always be on our best behavior but like mom said, “if you don’t have anything nice to say…”
3. “People have an intuitive sense of fairness.” I have to believe as a NJ divorce mediator that deep down people know the right thing to do so it simply becomes a question of do they want to? That is entirely up to the two of you.
4. “The more complete and accurate the information, the less speculation we encounter in debate.” As mediation is a good faith negotiation, it requires the full disclosure of all relevant information, voluntarily and without hesitation since not doing so will lead to suspicion, a loss of good will and in turn degrade the mediation process.

So really at the end of the day what’s most important you ask?  I think the above four points summarize divorce mediation nicely, don’t you?

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

In an article in today’s Newark Star Leger, it was reported that 864 warrants were served to delinquent parents who either skipped out on paying child support or that no child support order existed altogether.  The crackdown led to the collection of nearly $165,000 in unpaid child support orders and represented one of the largest sweeps of it’s kind in New Jersey with all 21 counties participating in the operation over a three day period.  As a New Jersey divorce mediator I can tell you that while most divorcing couples understand that child support is an obligation they both have to the children and that children should not become the economic victims of divorce, not everyone fully agrees.  In these cases, it’s often the disagreement the parents have that leads to the child being penalized.  If you surveyed 1000 divorced parents, I could all but guarantee you that 999 of them when asked the question” do you want to be a good parent” would say “yes.”  I’ve never met a person who said “no, I do not want to be a good parent to my child after my divorce.”  So then the question becomes why not pay support?

What we see during post divorce parent coordination is that some disagreement between the two individuals has led to one withholding financial remuneration as a way of penalizing the other parent.  Usually the amounts are rather small in nature with most being less than $50 but after a few years taken in total, they can really add up.   Or if we’re discussing regular child support obligations during divorce mediation sessions, that cover the basics such as food, shelter and clothing, the issue becomes one parent feels they are the only one paying child support.  As we mentioned in our last article, you are both technically paying child support even though one of you is writing the check.  The greatest misunderstanding we have with clients of Equitable Mediation Services is that only one of them is actually paying child support which is simply untrue.  Second in line is the misconception that the amount will be some unreasonable dollar figure that they simply cannot afford (also untrue).  Basic support awards are based on a number of factors such as income of both parties, the number of overnights the children spend with each of you, etc.  Support obligations start as low as $5 a week with the thought being New Jersey simply wants to ensure that you pay something towards the cost of your child.  And while perhaps $5 a week is a lot of money to someone of very modest means, as a parent your responsibility lies with the child.

So what do you do?  You use divorce mediation to settle your differences be they prior to your divorce or after it.  Studies have shown that 50% of all court ordered child support orders are being followed one year later while 85% of mediated child support orders are.  Why do you think this is?  My theory is because no one likes to be told what to do and if you have a hand in creating your own agreement as divorce mediation or post divorce parent coordination allows you to do, you will be more likely to adhere to the tenants of that agreement and your child will get the support and resources they deserve.

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Equitable Mediation Services is a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Union and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster and surrounding areas.

Today I read an interesting article from the Arizona East Valley Tribune about how the Arizona legislature is considering making fault a factor in divorce in the state and thought to myself this is insane.  Forgive me for a moment as I understand my role as a divorce mediator in New Jersey is to be a neutral third party that has no opinion on anything but when I saw this I felt I had to break out of my role and share.   It seems the legislature is considering allowing judges in divorce cases to use various faults to weigh into their decision on what child support and spousal support / alimony awards would look like.   Granted this is being considered in Arizona where perhaps the same statutes that apply here in New Jersey on the equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities do not apply, but I’m having a difficult time thinking as a divorce mediator how allowing fault to be a factor would result in a “fair and equitable” settlement.

Are there egregious cases where perhaps fault could apply such a domestic violence cases or infidelity?  Perhaps but that to me is a slippery slope.  If the whole idea of using a divorce mediation service is to get out of a bad marriage and move forward with your life, I guess my thought is that as painful as it might be, you need to put the past where it belongs and recognize that moving on with your life isn’t worth the pain that looking back might cause.

Now I’m sure there are those who say “wait a minute what about a case where one spouse cheated on another and the spouse that got cheated on had to pay support?”  Perhaps those would be one of my exceptions but what the Arizona legislature is proposing seems to be pretty much open-ended allowing any factor be it recent or say ten years old come into play.  Not to mention there are no proposed definitions of what constitutes fault.  Is not doing the dishes one night after a dinner party 5 years ago something one could bring up as an issue of fault in a divorce proceeding?  The way the law is being proposed right now in Arizona, it very well could be and forgive me but I don’t think that’s fair and equitable but I guess that’s why I’m a mediator and not a legislator.

As you’ve seen me say before, mediation allows each of you come to an agreement that works for you (and your children when applicable) that rises to your standard of what is considered fair and equitable.  In all of my years doing this job I can tell you that 99% of the time people wind up doing the fair and equitable thing in their collective opinion.  Yes it may take them some time to get there but most of the time, in fact, nearly all of the time, they get there as much as it would have seemed they would not have when we first started mediation.  But notice I didn’t say “the right thing” or “what I though was fair and equitable” as it’s not up to me to say what’s fair to them or not.  Sure as a NJ divorce mediator I need to keep an eye on the proceedings to make sure one party doesn’t take advantage of a power imbalance between the parties, be it financial or emotional, but if the parties agree and they are both of sound mind and body, then who am I to judge?

I leave that to the women and men in the black robes.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.