“A far better tack is to encourage couples to mediate their parting rather than litigate it, especially if children are involved. In a 12-year study of divorcing couples randomly assigned to either mediation or litigation, the psychologist Robert Emery of the University of Virginia and his colleagues found that as little as five to six hours of mediation had powerful and long-term effects in reducing the kinds of parental conflict that produce the worst outcomes for children. Parents who took part in mediation settled their disputes in half the time of parents who used litigation; they were also much more likely to consult with each other after the divorce about children’s discipline, moral training, school performance and vacation plans.”

As a NJ divorce mediator, I try to emphasize to parents that a good parenting plan is no substitute for good parenting.   As kids get older, grow up and things change, no matter how great your parenting plan is right this minute, give it a few years and it may turn out to be completely useless so you need to be able to communicate effectively as parents and not as ex-spouses.  In some cases, two parties are unable to come to agreement on the modifications requested by the other parent and so they need the help of someone like me.  One of the areas I can help couples who are already divorced is that of post-divorce parent coordination.  In this specialized area of mediation, we work with couples who are already separated to help them resolve outstanding issues related to their children and work with them to modify their parenting plan in the best interests of the child or children.  Special emphasis is placed on doing what’s best for the kids which sometimes may be in conflict what’s best for one parent or another parent.

An excellent example of this is the issue of schooling.  it’s a fact that here in New Jersey some school districts are better than other.  Perhaps you are the current Parent of Primary Residence (PPR) and your child lives with you a majority of the time.  Now they’ve turned high school age and sadly, the school district you live in has a high school that is less than stellar but your ex-spouse lives in an award-winning blue-ribbon school district and so you may decide to modify the parenting plan so that you become the Parent of Alternate Residence (PAR) and your child goes and lives with your ex-spouse a majority of the time.  Sure you’ll miss them but you know it’s what’s best for your child even if it’s not the best for you.  This helpful video explains a bit more about post-divorce parent coordination and how it can benefit you and your children.

If after viewing this video, you have any questions or need the services of a NJ divorce mediator, please feel free to call me at (908) 864-2177 and I’ll do my best to assist you.

The key to a successful parenting plan when it comes to teenagers is to include them in the decision making.  Does that mean bring them with you to your divorce mediation sessions?  No, not really.  But it does mean that you as parents need to treat them like the young adults they are and first explain to them what’s going on (you would be surprised at how many times I’m told “we’re not going to tell the kids until it’s final” comes up in session) and then ask them what they might like to do.  Teenagers are surprising intelligent in that they are now old enough to understand all sides – mom, dad and theirs – and make a decision based on some amount of logic.  And while it might not be as a parent what you want to hear (i.e. I want to go live with mom / dad and not you) it’s important to realize that by giving them some semblance of control over the process can lead to reduced anxiety and in turn, better focus in life, school and relationships.  Naturally there will be an adjustment period for children once their parents are divorce and the studies this NJ divorce mediator has read quote 18 months to three years as the adjustment period but by allowing them to be a part of the process they can learn an important life lesson early on and feel more in control, and in turn, adjust more quickly.  Studies have shown, the quicker they adjust, the better off they will be long term so being supportive of them during this difficult time for you is paramount even though it may not exactly be what you feel like doing given your own sense of grief and loss.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our nine North or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

One of the elements of parenting plans is that of the regular weekly schedule.  To start, we discuss what a typical school week during the school year will look like deciding which nights the children will spend with mom and which nights with dad.   As a divorce mediator in NJ I often asked “what is the typical arrangement” and I reply with “are you the typical family?”  because the reality of it is we all have unique situations.  Between work schedules, travel for our jobs, kids activities, etc. it just doesn’t seem like one parent stays at home while the other gets home at 5 o’clock and we all sit down to dinner at 5:30.

Now with both parents working full time, the idea of a true shared parenting plan has been gathering momentum.  In the old days, a typical plan was 10 days with mom and 4 days with dad over a 14 day period which satisfied the “one day a week and every other weekend” routine.  The good news is we see more and more couples here at Equitable Mediation Services design flexible and progressive parenting plans that reflect the realities of the modern day dual income family and the desire of both parents to be equally active in their children’s lives.  And as a NJ divorce mediator it’s part of my job to share with you ideas on how flexible and creative your parenting plans can be and let you both decide what’s best for your children.

For example in a recent poll conducted by Divorce Magazine, 65% of women and 87% of men supported the idea of a true shared parenting plan which I feel as a NJ divorce mediator bodes well for the children of these couples for two reasons.  First it tells me that each parent recognizes the importance of the role the other parent plays in the development of the couple’s children and second the children will benefit from the influence of each parent as they grow up.  Like the old saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child” but unfortunately, sometime divorce can take that village away. As parents, it’s up to both of you to make sure that your children still have everything they need to thrive post-divorce and great parenting plans can go a long way towards achieving that goal if you’re both willing to work together and come to agreements that are in the best interest of your children.

Today we’re going to focus on parenting plans and when it comes to parenting plans there are two things we need to consider with regard to the children: the physical custody and the legal custody.  In mediation we outline what we call a “parent on duty” schedule that has each of you fully responsible for the care of the children on certain days and nights as well as holidays and vacations. This allows for an easier transition for everyone when you do establish separate households as the children will already know what a “mommy night” or a “daddy night” is.  This also allows each of you to go and be adults (there is no shame in this!) and have some alone time so you can contemplate the next phase of your life.  We also discuss how the parenting plans will work with regard to things such as who is responsible for homework, contact with the school, going to the doctor, driving to sports games, dance lessons, etc.  All of these decisions are designed to allow both of you to have as much time with the children as possible while maintaining a sense of order and routine for their benefit.  And once the parenting plans are established, they go right into your MOU and can remain exactly the same in your final agreement so you get peace of mind in the interim and progress is made that can be used going forward.

In our next article, we’ll discuss the moves you can make with regard to equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities and steps you can take while still living together to make sure your financial transition is as orderly and stress-free as possible.

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

• 38% of the children involved in divorce proceedings lost touch with their father post-divorce.
• 20% of  parents admitted to have made the divorce as unpleasant as possible for their partner, regardless of the impact on the children.
• 19% of children said they felt used in the separation process.
• 49% deliberately delayed the legal process in order to secure their desired outcome.
• 68% of parents also admitted they used their children as bargaining tools.

Regardless of how you feel about your soon to be ex, you owe it to your children to use divorce mediation in New Jersey to settle your differences.  So how can a divorce mediator in New Jersey help?  First by designing a parenting plan that works for both of you and your children, we’ll help ensure that your children see both of you as much as possible.  next, with the help of a special software program, we’ll run a variety of NJ child support scenarios taking into account a series of complex factors to ensure that your children don’t become the economic victims of divorce.  Last, we’ll make sure that we discuss the issues that will impact your children 5, 10 15 and even 20 years down the road so that when the time comes, you aren’t arguing over who should do what and having to go back to court and spend who knows how much to resolve an issue that should have been thought of years prior.  With some planning, cooperation and the help of NJ divorce mediator, you can be sure that your relationship with your children will be a positive one for many years to come.

That is until they turn 17 and ask for the keys to the car.  Then you’re on your own…

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Today’s focus will be on that of parenting plans.  The good news is most parents can put their differences aside but what do you do when one party tries to use the children as pawns to their advantage?  Some of the tricks  I’ve seen include:

1. Trading access to the children in exchange for financial compensation – in this situation one party will tell the other party they will “allow” them to see the children more frequently if there is some sort of adjustment to the equitable distribution (e.g. give up your share of the house for access to the kids).   This is always a non-starter.  As you will see in the next article, equitable distribution (which discusses the distribution of your assets and liabilities) is an entirely separate conversation from the parenting plan.  You as a parent have equal rights to see the children (your children) as the other parent.  Remind the other party these are two separate issues and they should be treated as such.
2. Stating that having physical custody gives one party more legal rights than the other – this is one of the hardest things as a divorce mediator in NJ to explain to divorcing couples.  Just because the children live with one parent more than the other, it doesn’t mean they get to make life-altering decisions without consulting the other parent.  Even though the physical custody may be one-sided, it doesn’t mean the legal custody has to be and in most cases legal custody is joint and equal.
3. Threatening to take the children out of the country – If you haven’t seen the news story about the father who’s son is now living in South America because his ex-wife moved away and took him with her, let this be a lesson that you can never take this threat serious enough.  While moving out of state is more common, at when dealing in the US, legal proceedings can be initiated but when dealing internationally, it’s a different story.  To reduce this threat, agree to place the children’s passports in a safe deposit box at a local bank that requires both of you to be present with each of your unique keys to open. This way, you will both have to go to the bank together to get the passports.  And while yes, they could still go away with your permission and never come back, this may cut down on the “flight risk.”

For less specific issues such as general disagreement between the parties, pull out one of the only dirty tricks I condone: a photograph of your children.  It’s easy to argue over someone who isn’t in the room but I’ve seen something as small yet powerful as a photograph of that smiling face starring back at you is enough to bring even the most heated debates to a screeching halt.  And that’s a good thing.

In our next article we’ll discuss some of the issues that arise during equitable distribution and how to address and / or protect you from those.

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey I think of it as a “you can pay now or you can pay later” type scenario as I can tell you this: issues that you weren’t even thinking about at the time you filled out those quickie divorce forms will come back to bite you, I can promise you that.  But with divorce mediation, you can properly cover all aspects of your divorce and draft all the necessary paperwork to have your divorce filed with the courts for about 1/10th it would cost you to hire a lawyer and litigate and most certainly cost you less than it will to deal with whatever may come your way at some unknown point in the future.

According to Fadi Baradihi, CEO of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysis:

“Do-it-yourself divorce is very likely to create time-bombs for couples who do not understand the legal and financial implications of the agreement they have created and signed using a kit or online service. This is where a financial professional trained in the special issues of divorce can really help.”

When you think about it, divorce is really a large financial contract as three of the four main areas of divorce are monetary in nature:

1. Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities – this section outlines the financial arrangements of marital property as well as who is responsible for marital debt and the amounts each of you will either receive or be responsible for.  Given the tax implications of certain types of assets, the liquidity or how readily available they are for split and distribution as well as the financial impact certain debt structures may have on you and your credit rating and credit worthiness, this is a conversation better left to a person who is trained in such complex financial matters.
2. New Jersey Child Support – as the name implies, this complex financial calculation will tell each of you what amount of support it will take in order to raise your children from age 0 to age 17 as well as outline how the additional expenditures not covered by the New Jersey Child Support guidelines will be handled.  Again, not a subject to take lightly as these are your children we are talking about here and their care is paramount in any divorce proceeding.
3. Spousal Support / Alimony – unlike child support, spousal support in New Jersey (formerly known as alimony) is a very vague and gray area with no hard and fast guidelines.  How do you really know if you’re going to be able to take care of yourself and if the amount of spousal support / alimony is really sufficient for your particular situation?  Again, something better left to professionals trained in this area.

The fourth area covered during mediation sessions is that of the Parenting Plan.  And while there are no real in-depth discussions regarding money during this portion of mediation, there are downstream financial implications that come with the parenting arrangements you agree to so you really do need someone who is aware of all of this.  None of this information will be contained in your Internet “do-it-yourself” divorce kit – that is for certain.

As a NJ divorce mediator with a background in law and a masters degree in Finance, I have handled such complex financial matters for more than 18 years and am familiar with the intricacies that divorce and divorce mediation require.  By working with both of you to come to agreements that are fair and equitable to each, I have the experience to help guide you through the tough conversations you’ll need to have in order to peacefully and efficiently resolve all of the issues surrounding your divorce.  Along the way I’ll provide you with the legal and financial information you need to make an informed decision and if something comes up that you’re not comfortable with or you need additional guidance, we have a team of professionals in all areas of finance and law that can assist you to get you the help you need.  So when you think about it, why take the chance on a do-it-yourself divorce when a professionally mediated divorce will wind up costing you less in the long run anyway?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

The first thing to consider is that of parenting styles.  Certainly each of you has different parenting styles and now that you you will be living apart, you will each have an opportunity to impart your particular style upon your children.  It is important to make sure however that you and your ex-spouse share certain basic rules in order to establish a foundation of parenting.  It will be important to avoid the “but at mom’s house she let’s me do X” or “dad let’s me stay up until 11pm, why can’t I do that here?” syndrome so establishing a few basic rules of the road can be helpful to avoid that shock as kids move back and forth from house to house.

Another item to discuss in mediation is that of money spent on or by the kids.  Children don’t always understand that the amount of money one spends on you  does not equate to how much they love you so it will be important for both of you to set a budget for how much money you are going to spend on the kids for their birthdays or major holidays and stick to it.  You don’t want to have them coming home from mom’s house telling you as the dad “mom bought me a 65 inch flat screen television and a new dirt bike and it was awesome!” while all you picked up from the store were some new socks and sweater since the budget was supposedly set at $50 for their birthday.  Speaking of birthday’s, it seems that kids these days get invited to all sorts of birthday parties.  Let’s say you have two kids and they each get invited to two parties per month.  Not an unreasonable amount.  That’s 4 gifts you have to buy and figuring you’re going to spend $20 per gift, that’s $80 a month or nearly $1000 per year on simple birthday gifts!  Who pays for this?  Usually the PPR (parent of primary residence) but is that fair?  Is that amount being included in your New Jersey Child Support calculation?  Probably not.  Yet that is an added expense that over the years can really add up and if you’re the one always paying it, I’m betting you’re going to be pretty annoyed as the years go by so it’s best to talk about how these things are going to be handled up front.

The last one I’ll leave you with is the ever popular allowance.  Sure your kids may be too young to get one as of now but as the years go by and they are continually going to the “First National Bank of Dad” for $20 at a time, those payout will really add up.  And while I hope you and your ex find yourselves in a position where you can hand out $20 bills like candy to trick or treaters on Halloween, chances are good for the first few years it’s not going to be that easy and thus, you’re going to want to talk about this.  Yes, some of these figures are included in your New Jersey Child Support amounts for discretionary spending but with the cost of things these days, it seems like those monthly payments don’t go as far as they used to so be sure to discuss it up front and set limits. By following these simple steps and setting some basic rules and expectations up front, I can promise you, it will make for a much smoother ride down the road because honestly, parenting is hard enough without the added stress a divorce can bring.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

One of the most common misconceptions I hear as a New Jersey divorce mediator is that a parent feels because they have physical custody of a child, they also have 100% of the legal custody for that same child. In their opinion, they are entitled to make all of the decisions for the child with regard to the legal issues surrounding parenting.  These decisions include, but are not limited to:

1. Medical decisions regarding the health of a child; and
2. Educational decisions regarding the needs of a child; and
3. Religion of the child; and
4. Changing the child’s name; and
5. Moving the child out of state.

Just because one of you has the child living with you more than the other parent, it does not mean, unless it was previously agreed to in mediation, that you have any more legal rights to make decisions on behalf of that child than the other parent.  As you’ve seen me write before, even though you are no longer husband and wife, you are still mom and dad and with that comes certain rights and privileges.  You are expected and entitled to participate in that child’s life actively and equally and with that, comes the authority to make decisions jointly on behalf of that child. Your child. No amount of physical custody can take those rights away from you, unless of course it was agreed to during your divorce proceedings in which case you’d need to speak with your attorney about what your rights are.

With medical decisions, you’ll want to give some thought to what happens in both emergency and non-emergency situations.  There’s a big difference between needing a blood transfusion and going to the doctor for a cold.  Then there’s education and what support your child may need moving forward.  Do they need a tutor?  Who will pay for that?  How about college? Do you children participate in religious services and/or classes such as CCD or Hebrew School and do those activities have a fee?  Or are you an inter-faith couple and have yet to make the decision what religion to raise your child in?  Better start thinking about it.  How about the child’s last name.  Do you have strong thoughts about going back to your maiden name and changing the child’s name to match along with yours?  And then the big one: moving out of state.  Hey, we live in New Jersey and getting divorced in New Jersey means in a matter of one hour, you can be living in either New York or Pennsylvania so forgetting to discuss moving out of state is a major mistaken given our proximity to two other states.

Scared you yet?  Well, while it is true that there is a lot to know and think about, that is why you need the help of a NJ divorce mediator like me.  So take a deep breath and know that if you choose to use a divorce mediation service in New Jersey make sure you choose one who has the know-how and experience to cover each and every one of these issue thoughtfully, thoroughly and above all, with the best interest of your child in mind.

In our next post we’ll discuss some of the other miscellaneous issues that surround parenting plans and while these are not issues as major as say physical or legal one, they can trip up couples who choose not to discuss them upfront so taking the time to do so can save lots of headaches down the road.  However in the meantime should you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

When discussing issues of physical custody, there are four main areas we look to consider:

1. Who will maintain the primary residence for the child(ren); and
2. What is the pattern of time each of you spend with the child(ren) during an ordinary week; and
3. What does the pattern of holidays, vacations and other days off look like and where and with whom will the child(ren) spend those days; and
4. How will the child(ren) get from place to place when spending that time with each of you?

Certainly your lives are hectic enough as a married couple so what exactly is your life going to look like when you are divorced you ask?  Much different than it is now, I can promise you and that in my experience as a New Jersey divorce mediator is something many divorcing couples have trouble coming to terms with.  Being a single parent is no easy task but it can be accomplished quite effectively with the right kind of parenting plan and a lot of communication between you and your ex.  However, the single biggest success factor is you willingness to put your children above all else.

The first thing I emphasize to all of my divorce mediation clients is that your schedule as you know it will most certainly change.  When you used to go to the gym on the way home, you are now going to have to coordinate schedules to ensure that one of you is watching the children.  When you used to be able to make plans at the last minute as to who was going to drive little Johnny and Suzie to soccer and dance class, you will now have to plan this well in advance.  The pattern will become even more important to both you and your children so you can maintain the schedule and they can maintain their sense of normalcy during this whole time.

The second thing I emphasize is residential proximity. This in my opinion is the single greatest factor (besides the ability to communicate) in determining your success as parents after you are divorced.   It is in the children’s best interest to see both of you as much as possible and if one of you lives far away, that is not going to happen. Not to mention the burden of maintaining the children’s schedule will fall squarely on one of you.  When deciding where to live, especially in New Jersey, what seems like it should be close, can really be an hour away.  Ever drive on Route 1 in Woodbridge during rush hour?  How about Route 18 through East Brunswick or Route 70 in Cherry Hill?  Good luck to you if you’re on 287 South coming from basically Morristown to Bridgewater and then again from Piscataway to Perth Amboy!  What should be a 10 minute trip can take an hour even though you’re only going 11 miles.

Then there is the issue of the exceptions: holidays, school holidays and vacations.  Certainly you are used to doing certain traditional things as “a family” on certain holidays but that too will have to change. Last is the issue of the all important coordination.  With kids running in all directions these days (and you too by the way) making sure one of you isn’t the taxi service will also be important to your mental health.  Before when you could call the other parent and tell them you were running late, now you will have to make sure you are free for when the parenting plans says you are “on duty.”  All considerations to making sure your plan is both realistic and can be executed for the benefit of the children.

Why is all of this important to address first?  You see all of these decisions can impact the well being of your children as providing for them a stable schedule and the ability to see each of you as much as possible will (hopefully) minimize the impact your divorce had on them.  Also as a downstream consideration, the New Jersey child support calculations use physical custody as one of the factors in calculating support amounts.  While this is much too complex a topic to get into here, suffice to say it’s something we take extra care to discuss during mediation sessions to make sure we have the right balance for both you and the children.

In our next post, we’ll talk more about parenting plans and the issues of legal custody when it comes to raising the children and how the physical custody issues impact the legal aspect ofyour parenting plan.  However if in the meantime  you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.