For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve seen me discuss in detail how divorce mediation is better for your children and it seems yet another expert has agreed with me.  And while it doesn’t take a PhD to know that reducing conflict between parents going through a divorce can lead to positive outcomes for children, a recent article from the NY Times online editorial pages put it this way:

“A far better tack is to encourage couples to mediate their parting rather than litigate it, especially if children are involved. In a 12-year study of divorcing couples randomly assigned to either mediation or litigation, the psychologist Robert Emery of the University of Virginia and his colleagues found that as little as five to six hours of mediation had powerful and long-term effects in reducing the kinds of parental conflict that produce the worst outcomes for children. Parents who took part in mediation settled their disputes in half the time of parents who used litigation; they were also much more likely to consult with each other after the divorce about children’s discipline, moral training, school performance and vacation plans.”

As a NJ divorce mediator, I try to emphasize to parents that a good parenting plan is no substitute for good parenting.   As kids get older, grow up and things change, no matter how great your parenting plan is right this minute, give it a few years and it may turn out to be completely useless so you need to be able to communicate effectively as parents and not as ex-spouses.  In some cases, two parties are unable to come to agreement on the modifications requested by the other parent and so they need the help of someone like me.  One of the areas I can help couples who are already divorced is that of post-divorce parent coordination.  In this specialized area of mediation, we work with couples who are already separated to help them resolve outstanding issues related to their children and work with them to modify their parenting plan in the best interests of the child or children.  Special emphasis is placed on doing what’s best for the kids which sometimes may be in conflict what’s best for one parent or another parent.

An excellent example of this is the issue of schooling.  it’s a fact that here in New Jersey some school districts are better than other.  Perhaps you are the current Parent of Primary Residence (PPR) and your child lives with you a majority of the time.  Now they’ve turned high school age and sadly, the school district you live in has a high school that is less than stellar but your ex-spouse lives in an award-winning blue-ribbon school district and so you may decide to modify the parenting plan so that you become the Parent of Alternate Residence (PAR) and your child goes and lives with your ex-spouse a majority of the time.  Sure you’ll miss them but you know it’s what’s best for your child even if it’s not the best for you.  This helpful video explains a bit more about post-divorce parent coordination and how it can benefit you and your children.

If after viewing this video, you have any questions or need the services of a NJ divorce mediator, please feel free to call me at (908) 864-2177 and I’ll do my best to assist you.

As part of the divorce mediation process, you probably know by now that parenting plans are one of the four major topics covered along with equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony.  So what do you do when you’ve got a teenager who is still not old enough to be emancipated or off at college yet too old to have a traditional parenting plan that outlines their whereabouts each week and every other weekend?  Designing a parenting plan for a teenager is particularly tough as since we all probably remember, being a teenager was all about us, not mom and dad.  How is this going to impact me?  When am I going to see my friends?  Are people going to make fun of me if I come from a “broken home?”Ah the good old days when it was acceptable to be self-absorbed…

The key to a successful parenting plan when it comes to teenagers is to include them in the decision making.  Does that mean bring them with you to your divorce mediation sessions?  No, not really.  But it does mean that you as parents need to treat them like the young adults they are and first explain to them what’s going on (you would be surprised at how many times I’m told “we’re not going to tell the kids until it’s final” comes up in session) and then ask them what they might like to do.  Teenagers are surprising intelligent in that they are now old enough to understand all sides – mom, dad and theirs – and make a decision based on some amount of logic.  And while it might not be as a parent what you want to hear (i.e. I want to go live with mom / dad and not you) it’s important to realize that by giving them some semblance of control over the process can lead to reduced anxiety and in turn, better focus in life, school and relationships.  Naturally there will be an adjustment period for children once their parents are divorce and the studies this NJ divorce mediator has read quote 18 months to three years as the adjustment period but by allowing them to be a part of the process they can learn an important life lesson early on and feel more in control, and in turn, adjust more quickly.  Studies have shown, the quicker they adjust, the better off they will be long term so being supportive of them during this difficult time for you is paramount even though it may not exactly be what you feel like doing given your own sense of grief and loss.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our nine North or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

For readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, it is my hope you come away with the impression that your children are the most important element in any divorce mediation.  Unlike some NJ divorce mediators, we discuss parenting plans first and not equitable distribution since if you think that your financial settlement is more important than your children’s well-being, guess again.  By establishing solid parenting plans for the short and long term, you’ll not only provide your children with the love and support they’ll need but also avoid many of the common downstream arguments that divorced parents often encounter.  It is the goal of every one of our parenting plans to make sure that you both have as much time with the children as you see fit for if you don’t, you may wind up returning to us for post-divorce parent coordination which is not something you want to go through.

One of the elements of parenting plans is that of the regular weekly schedule.  To start, we discuss what a typical school week during the school year will look like deciding which nights the children will spend with mom and which nights with dad.   As a divorce mediator in NJ I often asked “what is the typical arrangement” and I reply with “are you the typical family?”  because the reality of it is we all have unique situations.  Between work schedules, travel for our jobs, kids activities, etc. it just doesn’t seem like one parent stays at home while the other gets home at 5 o’clock and we all sit down to dinner at 5:30.

Now with both parents working full time, the idea of a true shared parenting plan has been gathering momentum.  In the old days, a typical plan was 10 days with mom and 4 days with dad over a 14 day period which satisfied the “one day a week and every other weekend” routine.  The good news is we see more and more couples here at Equitable Mediation Services design flexible and progressive parenting plans that reflect the realities of the modern day dual income family and the desire of both parents to be equally active in their children’s lives.  And as a NJ divorce mediator it’s part of my job to share with you ideas on how flexible and creative your parenting plans can be and let you both decide what’s best for your children.

For example in a recent poll conducted by Divorce Magazine, 65% of women and 87% of men supported the idea of a true shared parenting plan which I feel as a NJ divorce mediator bodes well for the children of these couples for two reasons.  First it tells me that each parent recognizes the importance of the role the other parent plays in the development of the couple’s children and second the children will benefit from the influence of each parent as they grow up.  Like the old saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child” but unfortunately, sometime divorce can take that village away. As parents, it’s up to both of you to make sure that your children still have everything they need to thrive post-divorce and great parenting plans can go a long way towards achieving that goal if you’re both willing to work together and come to agreements that are in the best interest of your children.