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Children, Divorce and the Holidays: Do’s and Don’ts

As parents it’s only natural for you to want to spend every minute you can with your children because like the old saying goes they do grow up so fast.  And while as a NJ divorce mediator I do my best to help you both develop a holiday parenting plan that will allow each of you time to see your children on various holidays, there are a few “Do’s and Don’ts” you have to keep in mind to make sure your children remember the holidays for what they are – a time of celebration – rather than something they discuss in therapy 20 years from now.

Do:

1. Put your children first – and think about where they would be most comfortable.  Understand that just because they want to stay in “their house” and play with their toys on Christmas morning instead of driving with you to see your family who lives 4 hours away per the holiday parenting plan, that’s not a slight on you.  It’s a kid being a kid.
2. Behave like an adult - because guess what? You’re a grown up and your children are counting on you to act like one.  If I have to explain to you what it means to be an adult, please talk to someone.  Call me if you need names of people who can help.
3. Spend the holidays together – if you find yourself in the middle of a divorce.  Life is going to change for your children soon enough so why not keep things together for the sake of the children if you can?  Please understand I’m not advocating this if it’s going to turn into a holiday disaster but if you can abide by rule #2 above, then this one might work for you.  Make sure to explain to your children (at an appropriate age) that you are still a family and you are still their parents and love them very much even though you may not love each other the way mom’s and dad’s are supposed to.

Don’t:

1. Shuttle your children from place to place – in the interest of satisfying relatives or executing a holiday parenting plan.  Now that there are two families to see and two houses to visit, make sure more of your day is spent spending time with family and friends rather than in the car going from house a to house b to house c to…
2. “Out gift” each other – so when it comes to Hanukkah or Christmas shopping, be sure to talk beforehand and coordinate your purchases so that one of you doesn’t buy them a pony and one of you buys them socks.  This is especially true for couples with an income disparity post-divorce.
3. Be a time stickler – as with so many variables come holiday season (gift opening, traffic, family dynamics) this is the one time of year you may need to relax a bit on the time pressure.  If your holiday parenting plan says the kids come by your house at 10am and they get there 10:30am, cut the other party a little slack as I’m sure prying kids away from their toys on Christmas morning or interrupting their Dreidel game to go see Aunt Sue isn’t exactly high on their to-do list.

Keeping these somewhat obvious yet critical rules of the road in mind during this and every holiday season will make for a memorable time for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides divorce mediation to clients throughout New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.

Joint Custody and Parenting Plans

Over the past 30 years, divorce law in the United States has evolved tremendously, specifically around the concepts of joint custody and parenting plans.  30 years ago only three states recognized joint custody and today all 50 do.   And while as a legal professional and NJ divorce mediator I might think that it’s because those in the legal system have come to understand that it’s better for the children, the real reason behind the change I feel is that divorcing couples are recognizing the importance of having each parent play an active role in the development and care of their children.  When I was growing up, my mom stayed home with me for the early years and only went back to work part-time so that she could be home when I got off the school bus.  Today many couples have both parties working outside the marital home full-time so whether they intended it or not, the child care duties fell to both of them to handle.  As odd as this might seem, it may have actually turned out to be a good thing as today more than ever, in general both parents are equipped to successfully raise their children and play an active role in their lives post-divorce.

Joint custody and parenting plans can take a number of different forms and we can get to a joint custody arrangement in a number of creative ways.  For example, while most people tend to focus on where the child sleeps, isn’t it just as important that you are there for their waking hours?  Like I remind my clients, what’s more fun – going to the swim club during the day or managing the monster in the closet in the middle of the night?  By focusing on the waking hours with your children, the concept of where do they actually sleep becomes less important in the scheme of the parenting plan (although it is an input to the NJ child support calculation so it’s important to consult with a NJ divorce mediator to understand the implications) and you can design a parenting plan that has both of you spending equal amounts of waking time with your children, even though the number of overnights may not reflect the same pattern.

The bottom line is this:  as a society we’ve evolved and in my observation as a NJ divorce mediator with the couples who sit in front of me and who I mediate with on the telephone, the stereotypical gender roles surrounding child rearing have dissolved.  So it is with that in mind that we as a society and both of you as a divorcing couple recognize that it is in your children’s best interests to spend as much time as is reasonably practical with each parent.  Does that mean bouncing them from house to house every night or arguing over a missed day here and there?  No it does not.  It means that over the course of a year, that your children have unfettered access to each of you as well as regularly scheduled time with each of you as outlined in your parenting plan so that they can benefit from each of your unique perspectives on life.

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Joseph Dillon, MBA, APM is an Accredited Professional NJ divorce mediator and the author of this article.  He can be reached at (908) 864-2177.

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