In today’s tough economy, the benefits of mediation are becoming more and more clear.  With its more expeditious process and tremendous cost savings of $20,000 or more, divorcing couples are turning to mediation as the way to settle all of the issues surrounding their divorce.  As you’ve seen me write about many times before, one of the areas we cover in mediation sessions is that of Equitable Distribution. When I ask people what does Equitable Distribution mean, many times I get something like “it’s the dividing of your assets to determine who gets what.”

That’s partially true…

The full definition is the dividing of the marital assets and liabilities to determine who gets what.  Divorcing couples like to forget the liabilities part and for good reason: who wants to pay off the mountains of debts that many couples have accumulated over the years?  Especially if it’s not even “your” debt?  And there in lies today’s lesson: know your debt.

For many divorcing couples, until recently, the marital home was the “saving grace.” Selling it allowed the divorcing couple to use the appreciation in the marital home’s value to pay off any existing debts and perhaps even walk away with a small lump sum to put down on another home so the concept of who owed what wasn’t as big a deal then as it is now.  With today’s shrinking real estate market and the subsequent plunge in real estate values over the past few years, many couples are finding that the value of the marital home doesn’t even cover the mortgage, let alone their bills or debts, leaving couples to wonder what to do when faced with such a dilemma.

As I am merely a New Jersey divorce mediator and not the US Mint, I can’t print money for you and make all of your bills go away but I can offer suggestions on how best to get a handle on your debts and what they may look like post-divorce.  If you’re in the process of getting a divorce, what I can offer is this:

1. Get copies of all of your bank statements, joint and individual.  Many times people mistakenly think just because I opened an account in my name that it is mine.  Not always true.  This will give you a better picture of what liquid assets are available to pay off the marital debts.
2. Go to: www.annualcreditreport.com and get a copy of your credit report.  Make sure all accounts that are listed as open are in fact open and yours.  Check to see if any accounts that you closed are not reflected as such and contact those creditors right away.  You may even want to put a lock on inquiries into your credit history or get a credit monitoring service to make sure no new accounts are opened in your name (perhaps by your soon to be ex-spouse) without your consent.
3. Gather up all of your debts and take responsibility for what is yours.  Common items like student loans which you may have co-signed for a soon to be ex can come back to get you years later so make sure you know who’s debts are who’s.
4. Cancel all joint credit cards and open a credit card in just your name.  I see too many people who have some attachment to an account they’ve had since they were young and so they simply remove their spouse from the account and keep the same account number without paying it off with marital funds.  Guess what?  Any balance due on that account is now squarely on you instead of being split as a marital liability.

By following these simple steps you will be able to get a better handle on what you may or may not be responsible for post-divorce which will allow you to plan your financial future accordingly.  Remember: your lifestyle post-divorce will most likely be lower than that of your marital lifestyle but that doesn’t mean you have to take on debt that isn’t legitamately yours.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Most people who come to us at Equitable Mediation Services are there for one thing: divorce mediation services.  And while that may be the primary reason for their visit, often times during mediation, ancillary topics arise that while not specific to the couple’s divorce, can impact what not only the Memorandum of Understanding will look like, but what the parties future success as a “singleton” may be.  Let me explain.

In most of the couples I see, over the course of their marriage, roles have developed with each of the parties taking on a certain set of tasks that they consider “their responsibility.”  These can be things such as lawn maintenance, household chores and the finances.  When couples contemplate divorce, what they often fail to realize is that the tasks their partner took care of, will now fall squarely on you and in turn, a power imbalance in a particular subject area has developed over time. Through no fault of anyone’s, it is simply a matter of fact that in some cases, one individual has spent the better part of the past 20 years performing a specific task and thus, has all of the knowledge about that subject.  Incidentally, this is not meant to perpetuate any stereotypes because I can tell you that I have had wives who do the household chores and cut the grass and the men who do most of the cooking so in a stereotypical “old-fashioned” idea of what marriages and couple’s roles in them look like, each party may be lost without the others help post-divorce mediation regardless of the tasks they performed.

As a New Jersey divorce mediator it is not only my job to help the couple navigate through the four main areas of divorce mediation: Parenting Plans, Equitable Distribution, the NJ Child Support Guidelines and Spousal Support / Alimony but also to ensure that both individuals (and their children when applicable) come out of the other side of the process in a position to succeed.  Will I be there to hold their hands once they leave my office for the last time?  No.  But what I can do and try to do in each and every session is constantly evaluate both the individuals and how they interact as a couple and offer the guidance on how best to resolve the situation at that moment in time as well as give them access to the network of professionals and helpful resources that I bring with me as part of my divorce mediation services.

For example, most couples think counseling is for people trying to salvage their marriage and since they are now in the process of getting divorce, there is no point in going to a counselor.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  If couples have come to see me, chances are their communication skills have broken down over time and so they will need to “re-learn” how to speak to each other again because unless you do not have children (and most people who come to see me do) you will be interacting on a regular basis for the sake of your kids.  In shorter marriages, the chances are good that you will be speaking with your ex-spouse for more years after you are divorced than you were actually married!  You need to learn skills on how best to handle this and we can help.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations.  of if you’re simply not ready, please visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you will find lots of helpful information to assist you in making an informed decision.

Invariably at this time of year, the phone at Equitable Mediation Services rings frequently with individuals inquiring about divorce mediation.  Perhaps it’s the time of year when our thoughts turn to New Year’s resolutions and thinking that we don’t want to spend another year like this but making a resolution to get divorced is not necessarily the best idea.  Divorce requires some serious thought.

People think that as a NJ divorce mediator, I am pro-divorce.  That is simply not the case.  I am for helping people who have made the decision to divorce manage their divorce through mediation in a peaceful and efficient manner with as little stress and impact on them and their family as possible.  No doubt divorce is a major life trauma, second only to the death of a parent or spouse and my role is not to promote divorce by any means but rather to minimize the conflict and help couples resolve the issues through mediation and come to an agreement that works for both of them, and their children if applicable.

I feel it’s important for couples to consider all of their options before proceeding with a divorce but once the decision is made, divorce mediation truly is your best alternative to a messy, litigated, attorney-driven divorce.  There are many benefits of mediation, of that there is no doubt and the road will be difficult at times, but with a little preparation and perseverance you will get through it one step at a time with my help.

For a checklist of items you will need to prepare for divorce mediation, please visit our helpful resources section and click on the link for Forms / Worksheets.  In the meantime, should you have any questions, please feel free to contact us and we’ll do our best to answer any questions you may have about divorce, mediation or the process in general.  We realize you have a choice when it comes to divorce mediation services and we at Equitable Mediation Services want to thank you for the trust you’ve put in us this year and look forward to helping you in your time of need in the coming year.