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As the title of this post suggests, Divorce + Facebook + Twitter is a bad idea!  So if you’re a private person like me and want to keep the details of your divorce private, consider working with a NJ divorce mediator instead.  One of the significant benefits of mediation is that the details of your agreement are kept private.  No one besides the two of you and your NJ divorce mediator know the details of your arrangement.  There are no messy public spats, no long drawn out processes and no Facebook or Twitter streams about your day in court.  By keeping the details of your divorce mediation private,  you can maintain a air of civility and dignity that will carry over to your lives after your divorce and undoubtedly make you better co-parents in the future.  So while the temptation of changing your Facebook status from married to single may seem like a good idea when you’re in the throes of a heated battle with your spouse, take it from me and let calmer heads prevail.  I know it my not seem like it now, but in the long run, you’ll feel much better about not only yourself but with the help of a divorce coach recover from the pain of divorce much faster than if you let yourself get dragged down into the mud.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides divorce mediation to clients throughout New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.

1. Decide your path forward - when it comes to how to divorce in NJ, the first question to ask is “do I want to involve a lawyer?” While most NJ couples choose divorce mediation, there are some cases in which mediation may not be an option.  When one spouse is unwilling to get a divorce, when there is an issue of domestic violence or if there may suspicion of hidden funds or financial misdeeds, these are cases in which unfortunately you need to use an attorney and litigate your divorce.  Here is a helpful article on Litigation vs Collaborative Divorce vs Divorce Mediation to help you decide.
2. Gather the data - make a list of your major assets and liabilities and begin gathering important papers like bank statements and credit card statements so you can get a read on your financial picture.  A majority of my cases involve couples with significant financial issues so you’ll want to educate yourself on the topic of equitable distribution.
3. Schedule an initial meeting – finding a legal professional that you work well with can go a long way towards making you feel comfortable that you can raise issues and share your concerns with.  Talk to a few before you decide.
4. Move the big rocks – make a list of the items you want to discuss and stick to it.  In every negotiation there will be points you win and points you concede so making your divorce an all or nothing proposition is a losing bet.  When it comes to how to divorce in NJ, compromise in the name of the game.
5. Go! – once you’ve decided on a path forward, you’ll want to address the issues surrounding your divorce in this order: parenting plans, child support, spousal support and equitable distribution.  There are those that will start with equitable distribution (the money) but if you think there’s anything more important than your kids I say guess again.  Also by setting the parenting plan first, you can determine what type of housing each of you will need and in turn, what type of spousal support and child support you’ll need in order to make that happen.   Unless your home is about to go into foreclosure or there is some other major pressing financial issue, this is my preferred order for how to divorce in NJ.
6. Review the paperwork – even when working with a Divorce Mediator in New Jersey, you’ll want to make sure to read through everything and ask questions about items you don’t understand.  Some people are anxious to just get things done so they don’t come back with any questions and some people are afraid that asking questions is going to lead to increased cost.  But what if you let something go that wound up costing you more than that one hour of billable time?
7. File - to me filing before you’ve worked out the terms of your divorce is putting the cart before the horse.  I understand you are anxious to get things moving but you’re already under enough pressure so my advice is work through everything with a Divorce Mediator in New Jersey first and then once you’ve got a final Memorandum of Understanding, file with the courts.  Doing the reverse will only put you under more pressure than you already are.
8. Recover – once your divorce is final, take the time to think about next steps and what you want out of life.  Your life is not over but rather just beginning.  Working with a divorce and life reinvention coach is a great way to figure out “what’s next.”

Naturally as everyone’s situation is unique, these steps may not work for all cases so if you have questions about how to divorce in NJ, please call the offices of Equitable Mediation Services at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to help.

Managing Partner and Equitable Mediation founder Joseph Dillon said “I know I speak for everyone here at Equitable Mediation when I say that we’re pleased to be able to assist divorce mediation clients in an office location that’s convenient for them during their time of need and by expanding into Paramus, Saddle Book and Hackensack, we’re able to do just that for Bergen County couples.”

Until recently Equitable Mediation Services focused mostly on Central NJ and the lower part of Northern NJ with office locations in Bedminster, Bridgewater, East Brunswick, Iselin (Metropark), Morristown Princeton, Short Hills, Red Bank and Roseland.  With the expansion into Bergen County and the towns of Paramus, Saddle Book and Hackensack, clients in those areas will still be able to obtain the benefits of mediation in NJ but in a location that’s much closer to their home.  This is especially convenient for those individuals who may live in New Jersey but work in New York City which many Bergen County resident do.

“Our clients come to us from all over the state and up until recently, for those individuals who phoned us seeking mediation services in Paramus, Saddle Book or Hackensack, the best we could do was offer them a meeting in one of our other office locations which for some, wasn’t convenient.  Having these three new office locations is going to make it easier on our clients in Bergen County to get the services they need from a firm they can trust.  We’ve been mediating for a long time and divorce mediation is our full time profession.  Using an unknown firm without Accredited Professional Mediators just isn’t something clients should want to take a chance on.”

Because the laws of the State apply to all clients who are eligible to file for divorce in New Jersey,  Equitable Mediation Services is able to service clients no matter where they live.  Adding three new Bergen County office locations is in line with the Equitable Mediation philosophy of reducing the stress of an already uncomfortable situation by being where the clients need divorce mediation services the most. For information on the new Equitable Mediation Services office locations, please see the addresses below.

• Paramus Divorce Mediation: 140 East Ridgewood Avenue – Paramus, New Jersey
• Saddle Brook Divorce Mediation: (the Park 80 West building)- 250 Pehle Avenue, Suite 200 – Saddle Brook, New Jersey
• Hackensack Divorce Mediation (opening winter 2012) – 401 Hackensack Avenue – Suite 200 – Hackensack, New Jersey

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ or our services, please call us at (908) 864-2177.

The truth is, your divorce can truly be as affordable and simple as you wish to make it but the choice is squarely up to you.  Now are there couples who wish to prolong the fight and hire lawyers and spend hundred of thousands of dollars on their divorce only to wind up with the same exact result as if they mediated?  Certainly but you don’t need to be one of them.  Just because you’re looking for an affordable divorce in NJ it doesn’t mean that it has to be cheap like those $399 Internet specials you see where they send you a book of forms and you have to figure out what your agreement should look like and not all the topics you need addressed are covered.  Let me save you the $399 and tell you – it’s  not worth the paper it’s printed on.   Sadly many couples think their only choice is either do the Internet way of hire lawyers but thankfully, there is a third option for an affordable divorce in NJ and that is divorce mediation.  There’s an old saying about being penny wise and pound foolish and no truer words were spoken when it comes to divorce.  Do you really want to take the chance on an Internet special when hundreds of thousands of dollars are at stake?  The tax consequences alone could wind up costing you more than the typical mediation and if you made a mistake on those forms and had to go back to court a few years down the road but now had to hire a lawyer to assist you?  Do you know how much that is going to cost you?  Plenty more than the cost of divorce mediation in NJ I can tell you that.

If you’re looking for an affordable divorce in NJ, I invite you take a look at this blog, review the Equitable Mediation Services website and if you have any questions, please feel free to call our offices at (908) 864-2177 as we’re always happy to help and answer questions you may have.

If you’re looking for an affordable divorce in NJ, divorce mediation is your answer.

Other benefits of telephone mediation may include:

1. More convenient: sessions may be scheduled at more convenient times thus preventing you from having to leave your job or take a day off just to come to mediation.  This is also very important for those clients whose jobs require them to travel extensively or they do not live in the State of New Jersey.  In these cases, telephone mediation can be performed from wherever you are as all you have to do is dial in and you’re all set.
2. Confidential: like traditional mediation, telephone mediation is completely confidential as only the three of us are on the telephone and can hear what is going on.  And unlike a face to face meeting, you will not step foot in an office building and perhaps run the risk of running into someone you know.  A small chance perhaps but a chance none the less.
3. Safe: it is often said in the mediation community that victims of domestic violence are often victimized twice: first when the actual domestic violence occurs and second when due to a restraining order they are unable to mediate because they are not allowed to be within a certain distance of each other.  With telephone mediation proximity is no longer an issue as each of you will be mediating in a location of your choosing, away from the other person and not in direct violation of any retaining order.
4. Empowering: in mediation we have a term for when one party does all the talking and the other sits quietly: a power imbalance.  Many times that comes from being scared of the individual that you’re sitting next to and a fear of the reaction you will get by speaking your mind.  With telephone mediation, you can participate from any location you choose and be free to express your needs and wants and what you feel would be a fair and equitable agreement.

Please call Equitable Mediation Services at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to schedule an initial meeting via telephone to see if telephone mediation is the best option in your situation.

Mediation of divorce: The Right Reasons

1. You want to keep things civil between you – whether or not you have children, doing your best to divorce amicably is something that is going to benefit each of you in the long run.  The bitterness generated from an attorney driven divorce will stay with you long after the final papers are signed and you each begin your new life.
2. You want to be in control of your future – the mediation of divorce allows each party to express their needs and wants and actively engage in the process, designing an agreement they both feel is fair and equitable instead of being told what to do by a a lawyer or a judge.
3. You want to save money while getting the exact same result – truth is, a litigated divorce can cost in the hundred of thousands of dollars!  Even a friendly divorce can run you $35,000 or more.  Why spend that money when for a 1/10th of that you could mediate you divorce and get the exact same result in a fraction of the time?

Mediation of divorce: The Wrong Reasons

1. You think by mediating you’ll get back together – while once in a great while I do have clients that reconcile while in mediation, the truth is once you’ve entered the process, you are on a path and that path is divorce.  It’s not my job to stop your divorce, it’s my job to help you both move towards your future and come to an agreement you feel is fair and equitable.
2. You think the mediator will take your side – as a neutral third party I cannot take either party’s side.  I advocate for both of you and your children, when applicable and do not represent either of you.
3. You think your spouse will give you a better settlement – the issue of what each of you walks away is entirely up to the two of you and is not something I have a say in.  It’s only my job to help you each come to an agreement you each think is fair.

Mediation of divorce is certainly the preferred way to settle the issues that come between you so if you do find yourself in this situation, please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and schedule an appointment for your and your spouse to come in to one of our many convenient NJ office locations where we will be happy to explain the benefits of mediation and explain how it can help you and your spouse move on with your lives in a peaceful and efficient manner.

Most NJ divorce mediators I know including myself would normally schedule a session every other week so if you take four sessions and meet every other week, figure on about two months.  But if you wanted to move faster, we certainly could compress that and similarly, we could extend the time between sessions which is what I recommend for couples with particularly complex financial situations in which they may need to re-finance a house, sell an asset, face foreclosure or have assets that require valuation from an outside expert such as art, stock options or a business.  The good news is, 95% of the people I see do not fall into the complex category so it’s a fairly safe bet you will fall in the range of the average client.

Some reasons you may wish to move faster are:

1. Changing jobs and / or planning on moving out of state
2. You’re an hourly employee and days off are at a premium
3. You’d like to be divorced by the end of the year (although the courts have more to do with this than mediation does)
4. You just want to move forward with your life and prolonging the divorce mediation won’t allow you to do that

Some reasons you may wish to move slower are:

1. Your financial situation is in flux: bankruptcy, foreclosure, loss of job, etc.
2. Emotionally you’re having difficulty accepting this is happening and need some time to seek counseling or coaching
3. It’s near the end of a school year and you want to tell the children over the summer
4. You want time to consider the decisions you made in the last divorce mediation session before scheduling the next one

No matter which speed you choose, the key thing to remember is the choice is up to you.  NJ divorce mediators are all about putting you in control of your divorce and helping you both design an agreement that works in your particular situation and on your timetable, not mine, not the courts, not a judge and certainly not a lawyer.

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Joseph Dillon is one of less than 100 Accredited Professional NJ divorce mediators in New Jersey and a Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice with offices in: Morristown, Roseland (Livingston), Short Hills, Iselin (Metropark), Bedminster, Bridgewater, East Brunswick, Red Bank and Princeton.  Mr. Dillon may be reached by calling (908) 864-2177.

And because divorce mediation in New Jersey can take as little as three months, start to finish as opposed to two to three years like an attorney driven divorce can take (no, that’s not a typo), you can get on with the process of recovering from your divorce much sooner.  When you’re stuck in “litigation limbo” waiting for that next letter from the opposing attorney, waiting for your early settlement panel, waiting for your court date to go to trial, it really takes a toll on you and naturally delays your ability to recover and move forward with your life.  And for what?  So you can wind up with the exact same settlement as if you had engaged in mediation for divorce except now you’re $100,000 poorer?  Please help me understand how that makes sense.

The last, and worst, possible outcome is that by hiring attorneys you go from being friends to being enemies (as often happens once divorcing couples involves lawyers) you’ll then get into a dangerous spiral of either trying to outdo each other with your spitefulness or worse yet, forget just what it was you were arguing about when you first started the process.  I have watched first hand how clients who began on civil terms and both expressed a desire to work together to make the proceedings go as smoothly as possible, ultimately involve attorneys and have it go up in flames.  Then guess what happened?  They called me and asked if they could start mediation for divorce. While they certainly can and I’m glad they chose to call, having gone through all that mental anguish and money, was simply a waste of resources both financially and emotionally.

The bottom line is at the end of the day how you choose to proceed is entirely up to the two of you but if you’ve got children and need to be actively engaged in the business of parenting and not in the business of litigating or just want to move forward with your life in the most peaceful and efficient manner without going broke in the process, then please do yourself and your family a service and use mediation for divorce.

My name is Joseph Dillon and I am an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in NJ.  Please call me at (908) 864-2177 to see if divorce mediation in New Jersey is right for you and your spouse.