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As part of our ongoing effort to provide the clients of Equitable Mediation Services and Coaching the best possible experience, we would kindly ask that if you find yourself contemplating divorce, in the midst of a divorce or are already divorced, you please take our quick four question survey:

Click here to take the Equitable Mediation and Coaching survey

And while you won’t win any trip to Aruba or a new car (sorry about that!) please know that by answering our survey you will ultimately be helping out those just like you whose lives have been touched by divorce, allowing us to better design and tailor our programs and resources to meet your and their needs.

PLEASE NOTE: No personally identifiable information will be collected as part of this survey and the results will be used for our internal purposes only. Thank you in advance for your help!

Divorce + Facebook + Twitter = Bad Idea

While I don’t claim to be up to date on the comings and going of the latest celebrity gossip, I do pay attention to the divorce trials and tribulations of those in the public eye since in my line of work as a NJ divorce mediator, I often use their stories as examples to avoid rather than ones to emulate.  The most recent celebrity marriage to derail that I’m following (no Twitter pun intended) is that of Ashton & Demi.  Given their high profile and add to it the social media component of their lives together and you have the fuel that can turn this spark into a raging bonfire when it comes to their divorce. And while for some couples going through a divorce, it seems perfectly normal to air their dirty laundry in the public eye, to this NJ divorce mediator and perhaps regular folks like you, I would think the idea of everyone knowing every last detail about your divorce seems quite foreign. Why would someone (anyone) be interested in learning about what the equitable distribution of your marital assets and liabilities looks like or what kinda of alimony you are supposedly getting?  And why would you want them?  Yet when it comes to using social media sites like Facebook or Twitter, we post and post until the whole world feels our pain.  We let fly every little detail on the latest indiscretion by our soon to be ex-spouse and turn it into a circus.   Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t get it.

As the title of this post suggests, Divorce + Facebook + Twitter is a bad idea!  So if you’re a private person like me and want to keep the details of your divorce private, consider working with a NJ divorce mediator instead.  One of the significant benefits of mediation is that the details of your agreement are kept private.  No one besides the two of you and your NJ divorce mediator know the details of your arrangement.  There are no messy public spats, no long drawn out processes and no Facebook or Twitter streams about your day in court.  By keeping the details of your divorce mediation private,  you can maintain a air of civility and dignity that will carry over to your lives after your divorce and undoubtedly make you better co-parents in the future.  So while the temptation of changing your Facebook status from married to single may seem like a good idea when you’re in the throes of a heated battle with your spouse, take it from me and let calmer heads prevail.  I know it my not seem like it now, but in the long run, you’ll feel much better about not only yourself but with the help of a divorce coach recover from the pain of divorce much faster than if you let yourself get dragged down into the mud.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides divorce mediation to clients throughout New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.

How to Divorce in NJ

As an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey, helping people divorce is my only role so sometimes I am reminded during a meeting with a client that the whole divorce and mediation process can be a bit overwhelming and sometimes it’s necessary to break it into small but manageable steps.  With that in mind I thought I’d do a brief overview on how to divorce in NJ so those individuals contemplating a divorce can become better educated in the high level steps of the process and in turn reduce the anxiety they may be feeling in this uncertain time.

1. Decide your path forward - when it comes to how to divorce in NJ, the first question to ask is “do I want to involve a lawyer?” While most NJ couples choose divorce mediation, there are some cases in which mediation may not be an option.  When one spouse is unwilling to get a divorce, when there is an issue of domestic violence or if there may suspicion of hidden funds or financial misdeeds, these are cases in which unfortunately you need to use an attorney and litigate your divorce.  Here is a helpful article on Litigation vs Collaborative Divorce vs Divorce Mediation to help you decide.
2. Gather the data - make a list of your major assets and liabilities and begin gathering important papers like bank statements and credit card statements so you can get a read on your financial picture.  A majority of my cases involve couples with significant financial issues so you’ll want to educate yourself on the topic of equitable distribution.
3. Schedule an initial meeting – finding a legal professional that you work well with can go a long way towards making you feel comfortable that you can raise issues and share your concerns with.  Talk to a few before you decide.
4. Move the big rocks – make a list of the items you want to discuss and stick to it.  In every negotiation there will be points you win and points you concede so making your divorce an all or nothing proposition is a losing bet.  When it comes to how to divorce in NJ, compromise in the name of the game.
5. Go! – once you’ve decided on a path forward, you’ll want to address the issues surrounding your divorce in this order: parenting plans, child support, spousal support and equitable distribution.  There are those that will start with equitable distribution (the money) but if you think there’s anything more important than your kids I say guess again.  Also by setting the parenting plan first, you can determine what type of housing each of you will need and in turn, what type of spousal support and child support you’ll need in order to make that happen.   Unless your home is about to go into foreclosure or there is some other major pressing financial issue, this is my preferred order for how to divorce in NJ.
6. Review the paperwork – even when working with a Divorce Mediator in New Jersey, you’ll want to make sure to read through everything and ask questions about items you don’t understand.  Some people are anxious to just get things done so they don’t come back with any questions and some people are afraid that asking questions is going to lead to increased cost.  But what if you let something go that wound up costing you more than that one hour of billable time?
7. File - to me filing before you’ve worked out the terms of your divorce is putting the cart before the horse.  I understand you are anxious to get things moving but you’re already under enough pressure so my advice is work through everything with a Divorce Mediator in New Jersey first and then once you’ve got a final Memorandum of Understanding, file with the courts.  Doing the reverse will only put you under more pressure than you already are.
8. Recover – once your divorce is final, take the time to think about next steps and what you want out of life.  Your life is not over but rather just beginning.  Working with a divorce and life reinvention coach is a great way to figure out “what’s next.”

Naturally as everyone’s situation is unique, these steps may not work for all cases so if you have questions about how to divorce in NJ, please call the offices of Equitable Mediation Services at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to help.

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