It’s true that couples who use mediation for divorce in New Jersey receive many benefits but how many out there even know mediation is an option? As a NJ divorce mediator my guess is – not nearly enough.  With this being the third year of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, by now I would have thought that divorcing couples in NJ who are coming to see me would already know all about mediation and it’s many benefits but you would be surprised at the mis-information out there.  Today’s myth I’d like to clear up is that surrounding the use of attorneys when engaging in divorce mediation.  Yes it’s true that using attorneys and going to court to litigate is a stressful and expensive process and about 2% of the population does end up in court.   Perhaps there is simply too much acrimony for them to sit in a room with each other and a NJ divorce mediator and work things out but sometimes using mediation for divorce just isn’t an option.  The good news? 98% of divorcing couples in New Jersey don’t need to go this route.

Does this mean you won’t or can’t involve an attorney in the process if you feel you need to?  No it doesn’t.  It just means that you and your spouse are choosing to drive your divorce and make decisions based on your own interests instead of having a complete stranger drive the process and make decisions for you.  For couples who come to us early in the process and use mediation for divorce they may mediate without the use of attorneys until the very end.  Then when it comes time to file the paperwork with the courts, I tell them they have a choice:

1. Go “pro se” which means represent themselves and file with the courts and completely skip the use of attorneys altogether; or
2. Hire two “review attorneys” and have each attorney simply play an extremely limited role and review what was prepared in mediation and offer limited feedback and have one of them file it with the courts; or
3. Get one review attorney and have one of you go “pro se” and file it with the courts.

Which direction you decide to go in is entirely up to you and your comfort level.  Some couples are adamant about saving money and have a very friendly divorce and so they choose to go pro se.  Some couples come to mediation and encounter a sticking point or two but still manage to work out 95% of their issues saving them lots of time and money in the process and go to an attorney to finish things off.  But in my experience about 75% of the clients we see at Equitable Mediation Services seem to be comfortable enough with what they decided in mediation to get one attorney and have one of them go pro se.  But no matter what route you take the answer is yes: you can use mediation for divorce in NJ instead of a lawyer and how you proceed once you’ve finished mediation is entirely up to you so if you’d like to use an attorney, feel free or if you feel one is not warranted, then that’s your choice as well.  Either way, you’ll be savings yourself at least $20,000 in the process and ending up with the exact same result had you gone the more adversarial route.

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice helping couples in Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties use mediation for divorce.  Our area of practice includes the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

As the owner and lead mediator of a New Jersey divorce mediation practice I can tell you based on the calls I receive that there is much confusion out there as to the best way to proceed with your divorce.   For some New Jersey couples who call us at Equitable Mediation Services aren’t even sure what we do or that divorce mediation is the best way to get a divorce in NJ.  Then there are those who call and are aware that divorce mediation is an option but think that a NJ divorce mediator (like an attorney) can be an advocate for one party or that party can come speak with me individually so I can learn more about their case (untrue).  Last we have those who have educated themselves about the divorce mediation process and understand that divorce mediation is a true collaborative divorce process in which both parties work together to come to an agreement that works for each of them and their children, when applicable.  But no matter where you stand on the education spectrum, the fact that you are reading this article tells me that you may be an excellent candidate for divorce mediation.   You see, the one thing that each of the clients of Equitable Mediation Services has in common is a willingness to bypass the adversarial legal system and use a NJ divorce mediator like myself to help them peacefully and amicably work through the four major tenants of their divorce: (1) parenting plans (2) equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities (3) child support and (4) spousal support formerly known as alimony.

Now does that mean mediation is the path forward for all couples on how to get a divorce in NJ?  Sadly, no.  There will always be that one or two percent of the people who no matter how much you explain to them that their result in mediation is going to be superior to that of a result dragged through the adversarial legal system and watered down by warring lawyers taking sides and entrenching in their positions, will want to take their chances and go to court.  I guess it must be nice to have such a life that allows them to spend unlimited amounts of money and time to get a result that is less superior than to one that was mediated but alas, that is not my decision to make for them.  But if you’re like most couples seeking a divorce in NJ and want a say in determining your future, the please feel free to contact me and I will do my best to help you and your spouse come to agreements on each of the four main areas of divorce listed above and draft a Memorandum of Understanding that represents your goals and wishes for your future.  Not those of your attorneys, not those of a judge and not those of the courts. After all, it is your divorce, isn’t it?

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

Some couples seeking divorce mediation in New Jersey come to us here at Equitable Mediation Services expecting us to have some magic bullet that is going to get the other party to agree to all of their wishes but sadly, that is simply not the case.  I often remind them that while I as a NJ divorce mediator can provide them lots of useful and pertinent legal information as well as help them create options that may work for them in their particular situation, I am not permitted by law to decide for them one way or the other.  Nor can I sit in judgment and based on information presented to me, advise them on what side of the law their case will come down on.  You see, the amazing thing about our system of laws is that when it comes to making decisions, much of the power lies in the hands of the people who are engaged in the disagreement in the first place. And while yes, the law can seem at times complicated and confusing (and it is) the bottom line is that provided it is within reason, two parties can come to whatever agreement they can mutually land on.  And that’s where divorce mediation in New Jersey comes in.

By empowering the parties, I as your NJ divorce mediator will help guide you through the maze of the law while encouraging each of you to make compromises to reach an agreement before it ever gets to a courtroom. It is the goal of every one of our sessions to make progress no matter how incremental towards coming to a mutually agreeable solution that you and your children can both live with and benefit from moving forward.  I cannot compel either of you to abide by it nor can I implore you to agree with something the other party put forth in one of our sessions.  What I can tell you is that by choosing to use divorce mediation in New Jersey, you have at least given yourselves a chance of coming to a compromise before you enter the litigious world of the attorney driven divorce and trust me, that is not something you even want to consider.

What I find as a NJ divorce mediator is that most couple’s issues are well within the realm of being addressed and resolved in mediation. In fact 95% of the time divorce mediation in New Jersey is a success with the parties being able to come to an agreement in session saving them lots of time and money in the process.  But what about the couples that can’t come to such an amicable conclusion?  To them I say this.  Think about the real differences that lie between the two of you.  Regardless of the issues of your principles, at the end of the day, there is a cost to resolve disagreements by going to mediation or going to court.  So wouldn’t you rather resolve the issue among yourselves, in the privacy of a NJ divorce mediator’s office at a significantly reduced cost or would you rather go to court and spend $50,000 on what will most likely in the end be a matter of much less financial significance?

I have often found that the couples with bigger dollar amounts at stake are the most likely to compromise and resolve their issues and the ones where items costing less than $100 are the ones in which the most difficulty occurs.  So ask yourself this:  if I’m arguing about $100, do I really want to spend $25,000 to prove my point or should I compromise, pay half and save myself $24,950?

Your call.