I was speaking with my friend Bob the other day and he was telling me about an employee he had that was going through a nasty divorce and the impact it was having on both her and her co-workers.  This employee (I’ll call her Allison) was litigating instead of using divorce mediation and things were getting heated.  Allison spent a lot of time on the phone with her attorney and since today’s office environments are more “cube farms” and not offices with doors you can close, everyone in the immediate area could hear the conversations and it was making people uncomfortable.  As a NJ Divorce Mediator I could tell you what to do, but what do you say to Allison if you’re Bob?

I told Bob that given the divorce rates these days, it may be wise for companies to begin offering free seminars on divorce mediation. Although it may be too late for Allison, the benefits of using mediation for divorce are quite substantial.  The average mediated divorce takes about two to three months while the average litigated divorce takes two to three years!  If I were Allison I wouldn’t want to go through that but if I’m Bob, I could be understanding to a point but after a year or two, I would be hard pressed what to do.  Today’s workplace is stressful enough without adding the additional pressure of a litigated divorce. I’m no Human Resources professional but this NJ Divorce Mediator can tell you that the couples I work with experience significantly lower stress using divorce mediation instead of litigating.  Much like with the death of a loved one, going through a divorce requires someone to go through the five stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

When you litigate, you are stuck in phases two and three for a much longer period of time than if you were to use divorce mediation and therefore you are prevented from moving to the fifth stage (acceptance) for a very long time.  You are caught in the circle of stage two and three and you bargain, get angry, call your lawyer, bargain more, get even angrier, call your lawyer, etc.  With the help of a NJ Divorce Mediator you and your spouse will work through stage two while you’re working out your mediated settlement (stage three) allowing you to move on to the acceptance stage much faster than if you were to litigate.  Certainly not where you thought you would be when you first got married but definitely better than being stuck in the infinite loop of anger and bargaining, trust me.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ or how using mediation for divorce can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator Joseph Dillon when you’re ready.

For readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog you’ve seen me outline the benefits of using mediation for divorce such as a less stressful process, significantly lower cost and much better outcomes for your children but did you know there are other benefits to using a NJ divorce mediator that may not be apparent right away?  Take for example the friendships you have developed with each others families and other couples.  If you were to have a nasty, attorney driven divorce where each of you acted in a shall we say “less than polite manner” these people are going to have to make an uncomfortable choice given that individuals behavior during the divorce.   But if you were to use a mediation service to handle your divorce and were able to keep things friendly, then the ability to remain friends with you ex’s family and the friends you made as a couple will be much easier.  So why would you do this?

1. Your children – you’re still going to be mom and dad after the divorce and so whether you like it or not, you’re going to have to spend significant time with each other (and your extended families) at various events such as birthday parties and graduations where the focus needs to be on the kids and not on the tension between the two of you.  You’re also going to need to be able to communicate as you coordinate schedules to take your daughter or son to the soccer game, dance class, karate practice or school play.  Think about it:  if you have a child together do you really think you’re not going to see you ex-spouses friends or family ever again?  Use a NJ divorce mediator to keep your divorce on track and as focused on your children as possible.
2. Your mental health – they say a divorce is second in stress only to the death of a loved one and so when going through something as painful as a divorce, you’re going to need all the support you can get.  Given that you’ve probably developed great relationships with your spouses family over the years, now more than even you’re both going to need the support of your friends and families and by engaging in a bitter divorce fight, you’re only going to cause people to have to choose sides.  If you use mediation for divorce then you’re going to have a much better chance of remaining friendly and in turn, allow your friends and family to avoid the unpleasant decision of having to choose sides which given the recent divorces in my circle of friends and family has only reinforced how critical this last part is.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

The first thing people say to me when they find out I am a divorce mediator in NJ, is “wow, you must see a lot of crazy things” which is followed by a story about their friend / brother / cousin who went through an awful attorney driven divorce which is then followed by “and you would not believe how much money they spent!” to which I reply: “actually I do.  Does $100,000 sound about right?”  You see stories like this are not only sad but they’re typical – but it doesn’t have to be this way.  There is a better alternative and it’s called divorce mediation. It’s a fact that divorce mediation benefits young and mature couples seeking a divorce here in New Jersey by making the process more efficient and less costly than if you were to pursue an attorney-driven divorce such as litigation or a collaborative divorce proceeding.

• For younger couples, you probably haven’t gotten to the point where you’ve accumulated significant assets and therefore don’t have the money or quite frankly the need to hire aggressive legal representation to pursue your divorce.  Using divorce mediation is your best bet as it will save you significant money by allowing you to make all of the decisions necessary in order to peacefully end your divorce and move on with your lives.  Many of our younger divorce mediation clients don’t have children yet so the process is made even easier by coming to mediation.  For cases like these, agreements can be reached in as little as one session!

• For mature couples seeking a divorce, the opposite is true in that you do have significant assets to protect and chances are you probably close to retirement so giving all your money to an attorney is not going to get you any closer to that beach house at the New Jersey shore although it will get your lawyer closer to it!   With the help of a NJ mediator like myself by using divorce mediation you can come to agreements on all of the necessary issues and topics and come to a complete agreement without ever having to see an attorney.  It’s a common misconception that mature couples seeking a divorce can’t use mediation because all of the issues aren’t covered.  Simply not true. Mediation covers all the major topics including parenting plans, equitable distribution, child support and spousal support (alimony).

No matter how long you’ve been married, divorce mediation benefits young and mature couples seeking a divorce here in New Jersey.  If you have less than a minute, I invite you to watch this helpful video on the benefits of mediation and when you’re ready, e-mail us or call us at (908) 864-2177 and ask for Joseph Dillon to schedule your consultation or ask any questions about how mediation may benefit you in your particular circumstances.