There are three types of bargaining styles in divorce mediation:

1. Scorched Earth – in situations such as these, one or possibly both parties are unwilling to budge and truly attempt to mediate their divorce.  For mediation clients who employ this style it’s been my experience that it’s either (a) too early to mediate since the pain of the divorce is still too fresh in their mind and they haven’t accepted it’s really happening or (b) they don’t wish to abdicate control to the other party and “let them” have a divorce.
2. Giving Away the Farm – in situations such as these, one party is willing to give everything to the other party so there seems to be no disagreement.  But the pain of divorce may not be making one party think clearly and a few years from now when they’re feeling better they’re going to regret giving everything to their ex and will be hurting financially.  For mediation clients who employ this style it’s usually a symptom of one of two things (a) they’ve committed some indiscretion and are feeling guilty so this is their way of assuaging their guilt or (b) they are depressed and just don’t care.  In this case it’s important the party seeks the assistance of a qualified mental health professional.
3. Fair and Equitable – in situations such as these, both parties understand that to get you have to give and it is in these cases where we have the most success in terms of a fair and equitable settlement and the most cost efficient divorce mediation.  Thinking about what you’re willing to give and get before you come to divorce mediation is the real key to a successful negotiation since arguing over every item individually makes clients lose sight of how everything fits into the bigger picture and creates impasses and delays.

No matter which style you and your spouse employ, with the help of an Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator we can come to an agreement that is fair and equitable for both of you and avoid the contentious and expensive process of hiring a lawyer and going to court.  My name is Joseph Dillon and I invite you to contact me or give me a call at (908) 864-2177 to schedule a consultation today.

1. Parenting Plans – for most couples, parenting plans are the one area we get agreement and that’s why this NJ divorce mediator starts with the parenting plan as my first topic of discussion.  It’s a great way to “get off to a good start” by showing couples they can agree on things and it sets the tone for future mediation session. However there are times when the issue of custody is hotly contested (especially post divorce or with older children) and a couple needs the help of a NJ divorce mediator like me.
2. Equitable Distribution – while it seems simple on the surface, equitable distribution is one of those areas that is deceptively complex. The splitting of assets and liabilities requires someone with both a of knowledge of divorce law as well as finance as there are serious tax implications if things aren’t properly documented and negotiated.  As a NJ divorce mediator with an MBA in finance, I know how important this is.  Couples who are small business owners, have complex investment portfolios or perhaps significant investments, can benefit by sitting with a mediator in NJ like me and mediating this single issue.
3. Child Support – of all the issues, NJ child support is the one I get the most calls about when it comes to single issue mediation as it is critical to ensure that your children get the resources they need in order to grow and flourish.  The formula for child support in New Jersey is so complex that even a NJ divorce mediator with an MBA in finance like me uses a software program to calculate it!  What’s included and what’s excluded as well as how does NJ child support change as children get older is a topic of much conversation and one a mediator in NJ can help greatly with.
4. Spousal Support (formerly known as Alimony) – here in New Jersey there is no set formula for spousal support and therefore, the conversations surrounding alimony are often heated and emotional since they are based less in law and more in conversation.  With the help of a NJ divorce mediator you and your partner can sit down and have a rational conversation about what an appropriate amount of spousal support might be by working through an organized and efficient process led by an Accredited Professional Mediator like me.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

Myth 1:  Since my spouse first made contact with you, you’re “their mediator” and will take their side.

Fact:  Absolutely not. My professional reputation and success depends on my ability to be a neutral third party.  As an Accredited Professional Mediator I am bound by the law and a code of ethics to remain neutral throughout all proceedings.

Myth 2:  If I refuse to go to mediation, the divorce will just go away.

Fact:  The divorce will not go away but rather take an ugly turn as you’ll both be forced to get attorneys and litigate.  If one party wants a divorce then you will both be getting a divorce.

Myth 3:  My spouse needs my permission to get a divorce.

Fact: While it takes two people to get married in the State of New Jersey, it only takes one to file for divorce.  It simply becomes a question of whether you litigate and spend $180,000 or mediate and spend $5,000 on your divorce.   Your choice but at the end of the day you will be divorced.

Myth 4:  All mediators have to be attorneys.

Fact:  Mediators do not have to be attorneys but some are.  Some of the best mediators come from backgrounds other than law such as finance, which is my background.

Myth 5:  Attorneys make better mediators than non-attorneys.

Fact:  Untrue.  Many attorney-mediators have difficulty remaining neutral as their training is to get the best result for one party instead of both and that’s not mediating, it’s litigating.

Myth 6:  A mediator can give me advice and tell me what to do.

Fact:  Untrue, even if they’re attorney-mediators.  We provide each of you with the relevant legal information necessary to make an informed decision you each agree is fair and equitable.

Myth 7:  I’ll still need an attorney if I use mediation.

Fact:  You do not have to retain an attorney if you use mediation, although some clients choose to.

Myth 8:  If my mediator is also a lawyer, if mediation doesn’t work out they can represent me in court.

Fact:  While not explicitly illegal, it’s considered an extremely unethical practice and frowned upon by those in the mediation community.

Myth 9: Attorney-mediators know the law better than non attorney-mediators.

Fact:  All mediators go through the same training and must know the same laws regardless of their professional background.

Myth 10:  By using a mediator who is also an attorney, I’ll get a better result.

Fact:  Provided you hire a competent Accredited Professional Mediator, you’ll get the same result regardless of the mediator’s professional background.

My name is Joseph Dillon and I am an Accredited Professional Mediator in NJ.  I invite you to call me at (908) 864-2177 or e-mail me to schedule a consultation to discuss how using divorce mediation can get you better results in less time, with less stress and at significant cost savings for you and your family.

1. Your therapist
2. Your lawyer
3. Your financial advisor

So with that in mind in today’s post on the Equitable Mediation Services blog, I’d like to take some time to outline what the role of a NJ divorce mediator is as you may be wondering what role we can and cannot play when it comes to your particular situation.

1. A NJ divorce mediator is a caring, neutral third party - much like the role played by a marriage counselor, part of my role is to be a neutral third party to a couple that has a disagreement (in this case divorce) and help guide them to a decision about their future by asking questions and gathering information in order to better assist them.  And while I am not trained in the mental health profession, as a NJ divorce mediator I must be aware of certain behaviors and work within those behaviors to manage the conflict so that you may have a productive negotiation.  I always recommend my clients see a counselor concurrently while in divorce mediation to help them deal with the emotional trauma divorce certainly brings.
2. A NJ divorce mediator is a source of tremendous legal information – as we stated in our last post, we cannot act as your attorney as that would indicate we were advocating for one of you and providing you advice which is not only unethical but illegal when it come to divorce mediation.  However because we mediate in the shadow of the law, it is our job as mediators to know the pertinent legal information so that we may present it to both of you and you can make an informed decision.  By taking classes, reading papers and staying up to date on court rulings, we can provide you with the latest updates that may affect your settlement.
3. A NJ divorce mediator can distill a significant amount of financial information - given that three of the four areas we cover in divorce mediation are financial in nature (equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony), it’s important your mediator have an excellent grasp of the financial issues and related tax issues that will affect your settlement.  In addition to having an MBA in Finance, I have assembled a team of professionals that can assist us with answers to your most pressing financial questions as having the most update to date and accurate information will be key to allowing you both to reach a fair and equitable settlement.  As since I am looking at things as a neutral third party and not judging you for your spending habits or savings account balance, I can give you an honest presentation of what your financial picture looks like.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

1. A NJ divorce mediator is not your therapist - although it is our role to manage conflict during divorce mediation sessions, it is not our role to act as your therapist and help you work through your issues that are a result of your divorce.  Naturally people who come to see me and go through the process of divorce mediation are in crisis and need someone who will listen to them in a kind and caring manner and help them work through some of the feelings of hurt and anger that divorce undoubtedly brings. So sometimes while we may not act as your therapist, divorce mediation can be therapeutic in a way and seem like therapy but it is not.
2. A NJ divorce mediator is not your lawyer - our role is to provide both of you as much information as is necessary in order for you to make an informed decision.  And while much of that information is legal in nature, it is important to realize that we cannot provide legal advice or tell you what to do as that would be acting as your advocate and in turn, the practice of law which we as NJ divorce mediator’s are not permitted to do even if we are attorneys by trade.  As we like to say, we mediate in the shadow of the law.
3. A NJ divorce mediator is not your financial advisor - yes it’s true that a large part of divorce is financial and that the discussions surrounding equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony all center on financial matters.   But much like how we aren’t your lawyers, we realize that by providing the information you need regarding these financial topics, we are to a certain extent providing financial information as an advisor would but the big difference is we are not providing advice.  We cannot tell you where to invest your 401k but we can tell you what your 401k is worth.  For some NJ divorce mediator’s such as myself who have an MBA in Finance, it can come in handy when dealing with complex valuation or taxation issues as while I may not be able to tell you what to do, I can tell you what you need to know and if not, who you need to speak with in order to get the information you need in order to make an informed decision.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

1. How collaborative can you both be? divorce mediation differs in a good way from a traditional litigated divorce or collaborative divorce in that the client couple is in charge of their settlement and not their attorneys.  By working together instead of against each other like in these other two processes, with the help of NJ divorce mediator clients can negotiate directly to come to an efficient and cost-effective solution at a pace that is comfortable for them.
2. How cooperative can you both be? divorce mediation is what is known as a “good faith” negotiation.  That is: the parties are asked to provide all relevant documentation and answers when asked in a timely fashion.  The sooner you produce the required documentation and the sooner you are willing to provide the answers, the shorter your divorce mediation will take.  I’ve had couples who were prepared prior to their first session and I’ve had couples in which is took me nine months to get a copy of a tax return.  Again, how long your divorce mediation takes is up to you.
3. How frequently are you willing to meet? divorce mediation is an iterative process meaning, one session builds on the previous one and the decisions made are begin to form your agreement known as the Memorandum of Understanding.  The frequency of how often we meet for divorce mediation sessions will also dictate how long your mediation will take.  Do you wish to meet once a week or once a month or perhaps once a quarter?  It is important to note that meeting too frequently may not give each of you time to gather the relevant documentation or fully absorb the decisions made in the previous session so it’s important to move at a pace that’s comfortable for you, regardless of what you think the timetable should be.

It’s been my experience as a NJ divorce mediator that a good general rule of thumb is as follows:

• Session One – parenting plans
• Session Two & Three – equitable distribution
• Session Four = NJ child support
• Session Five – spousal support / alimony

By giving some thought to these three factors and the topics listed above, clients can get a rough idea of how long does divorce mediation take in NJ.  If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our many Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

For the uninitiated, it’s easy to confuse the legal grounds for divorce in New Jersey with fault.  To this NJ divorce mediator, the word fault has more to do with hurt and blame and less with legal grounds.  In the Memorandum of Understanding there always has to be a reason (the legal grounds for divorce) and in divorce mediation, we traditionally use “irreconcilable differences” which is the legal grounds for filing that has no fault attached.    It is simply a way for couples to divorce without the courts concerning themselves with the specific reason and works quite well in a large majority of cases but for those who are really hurt and want to file with a reason there are a few things they should know.

First, if someone wishes to go with what I’ll call a “fault based” grounds such as adultery, the reason will most likely not make a bit of difference in your settlement.  Your Memorandum of Understanding will look exactly the same, your equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony will look the same and the only thing different will be that the words “irreconcilable differences” are missing from the Memorandum of Understanding and they are replaced with [fill in your choice of faults here].  Second is the issue of cost.  Remember I am not an attorney and this is not meant to be construed as legal advice but it’s this NJ divorce mediator‘s understanding that if you do decide to go the fault route, you will incur lots of extra legal bills as the process will get much more complicated so again, I have to ask you: is it worth it.  Didn’t you come to divorce mediation to peacefully and cost-effectively resolve the issues surrounding your divorce?  Your settlement is going to look exactly the same and the only person who may feel better about going with something other than irreconcilable differences is your attorney ($$$$).

If after reading this you still wish to go with a fault based approach, please consider speaking with a mental health professional and perhaps work through some of the hurt and anger you are feeling.  Then once you’ve had a chance to be alone with your thoughts, think once again how adversarial or peaceful you wish your divorce to be and contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

One of the elements of parenting plans is that of the regular weekly schedule.  To start, we discuss what a typical school week during the school year will look like deciding which nights the children will spend with mom and which nights with dad.   As a divorce mediator in NJ I often asked “what is the typical arrangement” and I reply with “are you the typical family?”  because the reality of it is we all have unique situations.  Between work schedules, travel for our jobs, kids activities, etc. it just doesn’t seem like one parent stays at home while the other gets home at 5 o’clock and we all sit down to dinner at 5:30.

Now with both parents working full time, the idea of a true shared parenting plan has been gathering momentum.  In the old days, a typical plan was 10 days with mom and 4 days with dad over a 14 day period which satisfied the “one day a week and every other weekend” routine.  The good news is we see more and more couples here at Equitable Mediation Services design flexible and progressive parenting plans that reflect the realities of the modern day dual income family and the desire of both parents to be equally active in their children’s lives.  And as a NJ divorce mediator it’s part of my job to share with you ideas on how flexible and creative your parenting plans can be and let you both decide what’s best for your children.

For example in a recent poll conducted by Divorce Magazine, 65% of women and 87% of men supported the idea of a true shared parenting plan which I feel as a NJ divorce mediator bodes well for the children of these couples for two reasons.  First it tells me that each parent recognizes the importance of the role the other parent plays in the development of the couple’s children and second the children will benefit from the influence of each parent as they grow up.  Like the old saying goes “it takes a village to raise a child” but unfortunately, sometime divorce can take that village away. As parents, it’s up to both of you to make sure that your children still have everything they need to thrive post-divorce and great parenting plans can go a long way towards achieving that goal if you’re both willing to work together and come to agreements that are in the best interest of your children.

To calculate child support, we use a special software program which generates an amount based on the child support guidelines.  These guidelines represent what the average family with your income level and the number of children in your family spend on their children each month.  You see the key here is that the child support guidelines represent what the average family in NJ spends on their children.  Are you an average family?  Are your children just average?  If someone came up to you and said “hey I think your kid is just average” how would you react?  Probably not very well so why would you settle for allowing a software program to tell you how much you should be spending on your children each month?  You shouldn’t.

The child support guidelines are just that – guidelines which are meant to give couples in mediation a place to start the discussion on child support and not meant as the final number.   As a divorce mediator in New Jersey, I can tell a lot about how well a mediation session is going to go based on the way the parties react to the conversations surrounding their children.  If they can manage to compromise and put the interests of the children above their own then things are going to work out just fine.  But when they begin arguing over how much child support is going to be paid or trying to manipulate the parenting plan in order to reduce the child support amounts, then I know it’s going to be a long afternoon.  At the end of the day, it’s really about making sure your children don’t become the economic victims of divorce and that means paying less attention to what a software program tells you the correct amount of child support is and more about what you actually spend on your children in your every day lives.

By using mediation to negotiate the terms of your divorce instead of taking the more contentious route of hiring attorneys and litigating, you can have the conversations necessary to make sure your children are taken care of for years to come as who knows better what they need than their own mom and dad?

No one, that’s who.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our nine North or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

There, now you don’t have to read the rest of the post but in reality, it’s a little more complicated than that, but not much.  As a NJ divorce mediator I am often asked by couples in the offices of Equitable Mediation Services if they are good candidates for mediation and I reply with one simple question: do you want to be?  Because mediation is a voluntary process, anyone can choose to mediate their divorce but at the end of the day, it also means that anyone can leave the mediation session at any time so the number one factor in whether or not you can mediate your divorce is you.

Is it difficult to sit in the same room with someone who is soon to be your ex-spouse and try to peacefully work through the four major areas of your divorce (parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony) sure it is but you can do it.  Are there times you wish you weren’t there and that it seems like no progress is being made and no one is happy with the direction things are headed?  Absolutely.  But at the end of the day I can tell you as a Divorce Mediator in NJ who has worked with couples just like you, your chances of success in mediation are 98%.  Sure it seems like a made up number but at the end of the day the NJ courts and this NJ divorce mediator share the same opinion on the success rate of mediation for divorcing couples and that is 98%.  There will always be that 2% that walks away or misses the point that mediation is supposed to be a collaborative effort and not a venue to air your grievances.  The time for arguing has come and gone and it’s now time to move on with your lives.  To work through your settlement and come to a fair and equitable agreement that works for both of you and your children, when applicable.  But if you’d like to continue the fight, prolong your misery and spend tons of money, then no, divorce mediation is not for you.

So at the end of the day what are you left with?  Well if you’re going to get the same result, in less time, with less stress and save at least $20,000 in the process, I know what option I would choose if I were you but then again, much like being in mediation, I can’t tell you what to do.  All I can do is present you with information about the benefits of mediation and you still both choose to take the litigious route, then so be it.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you…

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.