Staying Friends with Your Ex-Spouse

Staying friends with your ex-spouse can be a tricky proposition because if you don’t have children together, you really need to examine the reasons why you’d want to since it may do you more harm than good in the long run.  Certainly there is the short-term benefit of the comfortable but is that really what you’re looking for out of life?  If you wanted comfortable, my guess is you might not have even gotten divorced!  But something inside of you said I need a change and recognized that your current relationship wasn’t doing you any good or letting you grow as a person so you undertook a major life transition and got a divorce.

As a divorce coach and life reinvention coach I like to think that even though the people I work with find themselves touched by divorce, there was a reason they found their ex-spouse special enough to get married.  On the flip side I also have to recognize that it may have been a time and place because who they were isn’t who they are or want to be.  So before you decide if staying friends with your ex-spouse is a good idea ask yourself these three questions:

1. Am I staying friends with my ex-spouse because I hope there may be a chance of reconciliation? If so working with a divorce coach and life reinvention coach can help you examine the world of possibilities which lie ahead of you including the often intimidating re-entering of the dating scene.  When you have something to look forward to you spend less time looking back.
2. Is staying friends with my ex-spouse going to create feelings of jealousy for me when I see they’re living the life I had always imagined we’d be living? Did you and your ex-spouse have big plans to move to Hawaii, climb Mt. Everest or learn to ballroom dance together and now that you’re apart, those dreams will never come true?  Nonsense!  You’re still you and were a critical part of that equation.  If the desire still lies within you, working with a divorce coach and life reinvention coach can help you live that life.  You don’t need to be a part of a “we” in order to do great things.  Who knows?  Maybe it was your ex-spouse who was weighing you down!
3. Do I feel guilty because I’ve begun my new life with a sense of adventure and purpose and my ex-spouse seems to still be stuck reliving our divorce? Ah yes… you’ve moved on and they haven’t – a tricky place to be.  But it’s my guess that during your time together you felt responsible for their happiness which is not the way to look at things.  We are each responsible for our own happiness and it’s not up to you to help your ex-spouse get past your divorce.  Perhaps you want to direct them to a divorce coach and life reinvention coach who can help them move past their past as you’ve got some living to do.

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Cheryl Dillon is a divorce coach and life reinvention coach and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides divorce mediation to clients throughout New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Ms. Dillon may be reached at (609) 375-8533.

Children, Divorce and the Holidays: Do’s and Don’ts

As parents it’s only natural for you to want to spend every minute you can with your children because like the old saying goes they do grow up so fast.  And while as a NJ divorce mediator I do my best to help you both develop a holiday parenting plan that will allow each of you time to see your children on various holidays, there are a few “Do’s and Don’ts” you have to keep in mind to make sure your children remember the holidays for what they are – a time of celebration – rather than something they discuss in therapy 20 years from now.

Do:

1. Put your children first – and think about where they would be most comfortable.  Understand that just because they want to stay in “their house” and play with their toys on Christmas morning instead of driving with you to see your family who lives 4 hours away per the holiday parenting plan, that’s not a slight on you.  It’s a kid being a kid.
2. Behave like an adult - because guess what? You’re a grown up and your children are counting on you to act like one.  If I have to explain to you what it means to be an adult, please talk to someone.  Call me if you need names of people who can help.
3. Spend the holidays together – if you find yourself in the middle of a divorce.  Life is going to change for your children soon enough so why not keep things together for the sake of the children if you can?  Please understand I’m not advocating this if it’s going to turn into a holiday disaster but if you can abide by rule #2 above, then this one might work for you.  Make sure to explain to your children (at an appropriate age) that you are still a family and you are still their parents and love them very much even though you may not love each other the way mom’s and dad’s are supposed to.

Don’t:

1. Shuttle your children from place to place – in the interest of satisfying relatives or executing a holiday parenting plan.  Now that there are two families to see and two houses to visit, make sure more of your day is spent spending time with family and friends rather than in the car going from house a to house b to house c to…
2. “Out gift” each other – so when it comes to Hanukkah or Christmas shopping, be sure to talk beforehand and coordinate your purchases so that one of you doesn’t buy them a pony and one of you buys them socks.  This is especially true for couples with an income disparity post-divorce.
3. Be a time stickler – as with so many variables come holiday season (gift opening, traffic, family dynamics) this is the one time of year you may need to relax a bit on the time pressure.  If your holiday parenting plan says the kids come by your house at 10am and they get there 10:30am, cut the other party a little slack as I’m sure prying kids away from their toys on Christmas morning or interrupting their Dreidel game to go see Aunt Sue isn’t exactly high on their to-do list.

Keeping these somewhat obvious yet critical rules of the road in mind during this and every holiday season will make for a memorable time for the right reasons and not the wrong ones.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides divorce mediation to clients throughout New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.

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