Divorce + Facebook + Twitter = Bad Idea

While I don’t claim to be up to date on the comings and going of the latest celebrity gossip, I do pay attention to the divorce trials and tribulations of those in the public eye since in my line of work as a NJ divorce mediator, I often use their stories as examples to avoid rather than ones to emulate.  The most recent celebrity marriage to derail that I’m following (no Twitter pun intended) is that of Ashton & Demi.  Given their high profile and add to it the social media component of their lives together and you have the fuel that can turn this spark into a raging bonfire when it comes to their divorce. And while for some couples going through a divorce, it seems perfectly normal to air their dirty laundry in the public eye, to this NJ divorce mediator and perhaps regular folks like you, I would think the idea of everyone knowing every last detail about your divorce seems quite foreign. Why would someone (anyone) be interested in learning about what the equitable distribution of your marital assets and liabilities looks like or what kinda of alimony you are supposedly getting?  And why would you want them?  Yet when it comes to using social media sites like Facebook or Twitter, we post and post until the whole world feels our pain.  We let fly every little detail on the latest indiscretion by our soon to be ex-spouse and turn it into a circus.   Call me old-fashioned, but I just don’t get it.

As the title of this post suggests, Divorce + Facebook + Twitter is a bad idea!  So if you’re a private person like me and want to keep the details of your divorce private, consider working with a NJ divorce mediator instead.  One of the significant benefits of mediation is that the details of your agreement are kept private.  No one besides the two of you and your NJ divorce mediator know the details of your arrangement.  There are no messy public spats, no long drawn out processes and no Facebook or Twitter streams about your day in court.  By keeping the details of your divorce mediation private,  you can maintain a air of civility and dignity that will carry over to your lives after your divorce and undoubtedly make you better co-parents in the future.  So while the temptation of changing your Facebook status from married to single may seem like a good idea when you’re in the throes of a heated battle with your spouse, take it from me and let calmer heads prevail.  I know it my not seem like it now, but in the long run, you’ll feel much better about not only yourself but with the help of a divorce coach recover from the pain of divorce much faster than if you let yourself get dragged down into the mud.

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Joseph Dillon is a NJ divorce mediator and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services – a New Jersey based firm that provides divorce mediation to clients throughout New Jersey and divorce coaching services to clients throughout the United States.  Mr. Dillon may be reached at (908) 864-2177.

Calculating Alimony in New Jersey

Calculating alimony in New Jersey is far and away the most popular search that brings visitors to the Equitable Mediation Services website and for good reason:  it’s the one area of divorce in NJ that has no formula or official guidelines and creates the most potential for disagreement during mediation sessions.  Unlike child support which has a formula and a software program to calculate it, alimony has no such formula but rather a series of 13 “factors” (if anyone can explain a factor to me, I’m all ears) to help the parties decide what an appropriate amount of spousal support would be in their particular case.  That being said, calculating alimony in New Jersey provides the most unique challenge for divorcing couples and is the topic I traditionally save for last to discuss.

Regardless of the lack of formulas or software programs, the reality is we need to arrive at a spousal support number so how do we do this?  In a nutshell, we use a budget based approach which has each party determining what their marital as well as post-marital lifestyles look like, attempting to estimate their cost of living and then coming to terms on an amount that will allow each party to live a lifestyle relative comparable to the other party.  Sound complicated?  It is.  That’s why I recommend working with a NJ divorce mediator who can help you and your spouse come to terms on an amount of alimony that you each find agreeable and use that as a basis for working with a divorce coach to plan you new life.

By using limited issue mediation, your NJ divorce mediator will work with you on one or more of the issues you face prior to you entering or while you are engaged in the divorce mediation process or help you and your spouse resolve a single issue that you face such as alimony while engaged in another more contentious divorce process such as collaborative divorce or litigation.   By using mediation to calculate alimony in New Jersey you and your spouse can avoid the heartache and significant cost of a protracted legal battle that hiring lawyers and fighting it out will most certainly bring.   Since there is no easy way to come up with a spousal support number, mediation is the perfect forum for doing so since it eliminates the traditional back and forth and win-lose battle that can raise both your blood pressure as well as your legal bill.  We sit down and discuss things face to face like adults, instead of  hiding behind a constant barrage of well crafted and utterly incomprehensible letters drafted by a team of attorneys outlining a series of demands.  I always love when I see a letter like that outlining demands. I wonder to myself – is this a divorce or a kidnapping?

Have a question about calculating alimony in New Jersey?  Please give us a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to meet with you and your spouse to discuss the specifics of your situation and help explain how divorce mediation can be of assistance in your particular case.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce Coaching and Divorce Mediation: Perfect Together

Divorce mediators in New Jersey meet with those who are contemplating a divorce, those in the middle of their divorce having come from another mediator or perhaps a lawyer driven process and those seeking assistance for post-divorce issues such as parenting plan modification, child support modification or spousal support modification.   But no matter which phase of the divorce process clients find themselves in, going through it can be a stressful and emotionally charged situation for both parties involved.

While mediation can help you handle the legal and financial issues you face, working with a divorce coach will help you manage the emotions you face both during your time in mediation as well as after you are finished with it.   When you’re in the middle of a divorce, it seems like your world has ended and that there is no path forward worth pursuing.  But life does and will go on and so it’s important to me that you get the help you need to build a path towards your future and realize that your life doesn’t have to end with a divorce.

That’s why divorce coaching and divorce mediation work so well together.  By working with both a divorce coach and a divorce mediator you’ll be able to work through all of the issues that come into play be they pre-divorce, during divorce or post-divorce in a calm and rational manner moving yourself from emotion based thinking to logic based thinking.  This has two benefits.  First by making decisions in a calm and rational manner you can truly begin to understand the impact these decisions have on both of you and you children.  It becomes less about winning and getting everything you can and more about what do I need to be happy and making a plan to get there.  Second it allows you to remove yourself from the toxic swirl some people find themselves in during a divorce which can drag them down to the depths of despair and make them lose sight of what’s really important.  You want to define your divorce, not have your divorce define you.

But regardless of what path you take to divorce be it the preferred alternative of mediation or the more contentious route of collaborative divorce or litigation, one thing is clear: working with a divorce coach will benefit you before, during and after your divorce.  Long after the final papers are signed and you’re now finding yourself living the life you always knew you were meant to live, you’ll be thankful you worked with a divorce coach to get your priorities in order, figure out what was important to you and executed a plan to get there.   Divorce doesn’t have to be difficult and recovering from a divorce doesn’t have to be either.  With a little inner-work and reflection combined with the helpful partnership of a divorce coach, you’ll be able to see your future and get there in no time, even though at this moment, things may not be exactly clear.

Cheryl Dillon is a Divorce and Life Reinvention Coach and Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services.  She can be reached at (908) 864-2177.

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