Even Permanent Alimony Can Come to an End

Alimony in New Jersey is without a doubt the “third-rail” of divorce mediation.  With no formula to calculate it, a series of statutory factors that provide little to no real guidance and the emotions that surround the topic in general all wrapped up in a lousy economy, you can see why any discussion surrounding permanent alimony is fraught with tension and requires special skills that only an Accredited NJ Divorce Mediator like me possesses.   A recent Wall Street Journal article outlined a major change in the state of Massachusetts in which the concept of permanent alimony would be abolished.  It used to be that like here in New Jersey, the person paying permanent alimony would have to go to court and appeal for a “change in circumstances” in order to modify or eliminate the paying of alimony.  And while some of the reasons were pretty clear cut like the recipient spouse got remarried (and even in that case, a trip to court would probably not be necessary) other reasons such as a reduction in salary or commissions, loss of job without the prospect of finding another one anytime soon or cohabitation and what exactly constitutes “living together in a manner as husband and wife” are difficult to determine at best.

Also wrapped up in the permanent alimony discussion is the changing social fabric of our society.  While I will not get on a soapbox and espouse about whether or not the American workforce offers equal pay for men and women, there seem to be more opportunities for women to enter the workforce than ever before and there are more progressive parenting arrangements in which the fathers and mothers of children can be equally responsible for their care thus allowing each parent an equal opportunity to return to or sustain employment in the workforce.   With that in mind Massachusetts felt that a complete separation should be permitted at some point in the future and permanent alimony should eventually come to an end in most cases.

Now does that mean permanent alimony should automatically terminate?  Tough call.  I’m sure there are circumstances that warrant the continuation of some form of support long after the parties have gone their separate ways and that’s where divorce mediation comes in.  While certainly couples use mediation to resolve all of the issues surrounding their divorce, it can also be useful to modify the terms of an agreement you made while divorcing, even if that agreement was many years ago.  Things change, people retire and money comes and goes.  That’s why instead of going to court to request a modification of permanent alimony, it’s always best to seek the services of a NJ divorce mediator like myself who can help you and your ex-spouse come to an agreement you both feel is fair and equitable.  By talking through your issues as they are now instead of rehashing them from way back when, we can come to an alimony agreement that works for both of you in your current situation, not the one you agreed to 5, 10 or even 20 years ago.  And if permanent alimony is still appropriate in your case, let’s talk about it as like with a regular divorce, the decisions you each make surrounding your life are entirely up to you.

If you have any questions about permanent alimony, please give our offices a call at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to help.

Child Support and Back to School Shopping

Here in New Jersey, we have a formula for calculating child support in New Jersey that allows NJ divorce mediators like myself to provide couples with a baseline dollar figure for expenses related to their children.  And while it can be quite useful in helping parents come to agreement on what financial support it takes to have their children lead happy and well-adjusted lives, there still is some work that needs to be done around the topic of extraordinary expenses.  You see, the formula includes money for many items such as food, shelter and entertainment but there are also many items that are not included as they are simply not predictable or regularly occurring.  One of those items is back to school shopping.   You see while basic clothing is included in child support in New Jersey, back to school shopping is considered an extraordinary expense in many circumstances.  Maybe I’m showing my age here but I can remember way back when mom and I would go to the shopping mall with a list of must-have items for school such as new Levi’s jeans, Nike sneakers and of course, the Trapper Keeper notebook!  And while I had no idea what my mom spent for all this stuff, I do know it was probably more than she wanted to as my incessant whining about how I had to have the latest and greatest, probably wore her down and she just gave in.

That being said, when it comes to back to school shopping there are a few things NJ divorce mediators know.  First is it’s hard to predict the exact amount of money you are going to spend on your children as styles change, needs change, they outgrow things  the amount of money you spend on clothing is going to vary wildly.  Second if you’re like my mom, we did the shopping twice a year: once in the fall and once in the spring.  Admittedly the spring wasn’t as big a deal since most of the financial damage seemed to be done in the fall but still, there was a second round of funding needed to support my burgeoning style consciousness.  And finally, when it came to knowing what other unusual event was going to crop up during the year that I needed yet another set of clothing for (Sadie Hawkins Day Dance anyone?) that too went on the tab and down went mom’s bank account balance.

The point is this:  when it comes to calculating a child support amount remember that there will still be items that are not covered in the child support guidelines, even though those items are covered by the child support guidelines. Confused?  You should be and that’s where NJ divorce mediators like me come in.  By walking both of you through calculating child support in New Jersey and helping you both understand what’s in and what’s out, your children will not become the economic victims of divorce and you can continue to do as you’ve always done and that is be the best parents you can be for your children, regardless of your marital status.

If you or your spouse has a question about child support in New Jersey, please feel free to call our offices at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to explain child support and help you and your spouse understand the mediation process in more detail.

Telephone Mediation for Divorce

While the thought of telephone mediation for divorce may seem unusual, there can be many advantages to using this type of method when trying to peacefully and efficiently separate as a married couple.  Unlike traditional divorce mediation which is done face to face, with telephone mediation we each dial into a special conference call number that only the three of us have access to but the topics we cover are still the standard ones such as parenting plans, equitable distribution, child support and alimony.  So while the method we use to come to agreements and create your Memorandum of Understanding are different, the results are exactly the same.  And with telephone mediation, you may actually find yourself moving through the process more quickly as sometimes being in the same room with your soon to be ex-spouse can cause more headaches and arguments than if you were both off in your neutral corners.  Like the old saying goes about “out of sight, out of mind” in this case, out of sight may mean faster resolution.

Other benefits of telephone mediation may include:

1. More convenient: sessions may be scheduled at more convenient times thus preventing you from having to leave your job or take a day off just to come to mediation.  This is also very important for those clients whose jobs require them to travel extensively or they do not live in the State of New Jersey.  In these cases, telephone mediation can be performed from wherever you are as all you have to do is dial in and you’re all set.
2. Confidential: like traditional mediation, telephone mediation is completely confidential as only the three of us are on the telephone and can hear what is going on.  And unlike a face to face meeting, you will not step foot in an office building and perhaps run the risk of running into someone you know.  A small chance perhaps but a chance none the less.
3. Safe: it is often said in the mediation community that victims of domestic violence are often victimized twice: first when the actual domestic violence occurs and second when due to a restraining order they are unable to mediate because they are not allowed to be within a certain distance of each other.  With telephone mediation proximity is no longer an issue as each of you will be mediating in a location of your choosing, away from the other person and not in direct violation of any retaining order.
4. Empowering: in mediation we have a term for when one party does all the talking and the other sits quietly: a power imbalance.  Many times that comes from being scared of the individual that you’re sitting next to and a fear of the reaction you will get by speaking your mind.  With telephone mediation, you can participate from any location you choose and be free to express your needs and wants and what you feel would be a fair and equitable agreement.

Please call Equitable Mediation Services at (908) 864-2177 and we’d be happy to schedule an initial meeting via telephone to see if telephone mediation is the best option in your situation.

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