Child Support or Support of your Child?

As an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey, I have learned over the years that the issues that couples with children face don’t simply stop once the divorce is final.  One of the more common post divorce issues I see is that involving child support.  By the very nature of children growing up and their needs being different as they age, we as parents need to understand there will come a point in the future when we may need to sit down and talk about what it is our child needs in order to live, thrive and survive.  And like the title of this post suggests, sometimes the difference between child support and support of your child is hard to determine.

I had a post divorce client a few years back who came to me regarding the issue of football camp.  It seems dad had played college football and thought that “his” son  (who was a freshman in high school at the time) should too and so he wanted to send him to a special football camp that was rather expensive.  Turns out mom was never a fan of son playing football and so she objected to paying for it because as she stated “the child support guidelines call this an extraordinary expense and so it’s not in child support and therefore we are to discuss this and if we don’t agree I don’t have to pay.”  I know in my Memorandum of Understanding I have a clause that states the parties are to discuss extraordinary expenses before making any decisions and if they can’t agree and one party still wants to spend the money, then the costs will be borne exclusively by them.  This sets up an interesting dilemma: wouldn’t one party constantly say no and let the other party pay 100% of all extraordinary expenses?  I guess but that doesn’t seem right, does it?  Was mom being unreasonable to not pay given her disdain for football or was dad unreasonable for wanting her to share in the cost to send their son to camp to play a sport she isn’t fond of?

Because when we mediate it’s “adults only,” in the example above the son would not be present for this discussion and wouldn’t necessarily have a say in the outcome.  But if we could ask him, what do we think he’d say?  As the mediator, it’s my job to advocate for the children when necessary and ask the questions of the parents that either lead them to consider what their child would say or to determine what’s in the best interest of their child and let them be supportive parents, no matter what the child support guidelines say.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey and a Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services a NJ mediation practice serving central and northern New Jersey. Mr. Dillon can be reached at (908) 864-2177.

Want a Child Friendly Divorce? Use Mediation

Many of the parents who come to me for mediation services have one thing in common: they all want the best for their children.  Regardless of the status of their relationship as husband and wife, they tell me they both want to be the best parents they can be now and in the future.  So as a Divorce Mediator in New Jersey I ask them this: if you’ve made the difficult decision to divorce why would you choose any other alternative besides divorce mediation?  Certainly there will be parents who don’t heed my advice and allow their animosity towards their soon to be ex-spouse color their decision making process and go the litigious route but for those who want a child friendly divorce, mediation is best for your children.  Reasons include:

1. Mediation is more efficient - since mediation is a forward-looking process, we cover more ground in less time because everyone is clear on what is required of them at all times.  You’ll know what documents you need to gather, what subject we’ll be discussing at each session and how long your divorce mediation will take.  All of which means you can spend more time focusing on your child’s needs rather than meeting with your attorney, going to court and wondering what argument with your spouse lies around the corner.
2. Mediation is more cost effective – the average cost per year for a private four-year college in 2010 is $35,000.  $35,000!  What will that cost be when your child goes to school?  $45,000?  $55,000?  $100,000 per year?!  You need to put your child through college, not your attorney’s.  People who use divorce mediation save on average $20,000 to $70,000.  That’s enough to cover two years of college in today’s dollars!  Plainly put: litigate and go broke or mediate and put your child through college.  Oh and by the way?  Your results will be exactly the same mediating or litigating.
3. Mediation is less stressful – have you ever had to wait a week for a test result from a doctor or do you remember the days when you applied to college and you waited for that letter from the admissions office of your first choice school?  Waiting for results is awful.  When you hire a lawyer and litigate, you tell them what you want, they tell the other side and then you wait to hear back.  And wait… and wait… and wait… all the while wondering what horror is going to come back your way.  With divorce mediation, we work things out in real time so you have your answer right away and if we hit a road block, we can resolve it right then and there. No waiting for the lawyer to get back to you and no wondering what they’re going to come back with.

Naturally as an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey I could go on and on about the benefits of mediation but if you truly love your children and want a child friendly divorce, use mediation.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey and a Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services a NJ mediation practice serving central and northern New Jersey. Mr. Dillon can be reached at (908) 864-2177.

Mediation and Relocating Children Post Divorce

When it comes to relocating children after a divorce mediation can be an ideal way to discuss the issues, modify the parenting plan and get the parties to come to agreements about how the children are going to spend time with mom and dad if the move takes place.  As an Accredited Professional Mediator in New Jersey, I explain that bringing issues of parenting to the courts would be like having your car repaired by a dentist.  In this example the dentist simply does not have the tools to properly fix your car and despite their best efforts, the results are going to be mediocre at best and damaging at worst.  Relocation is a delicate subject and one with many potential negative ramifications if not thoroughly discussed and mediated.

Issues to consider when discussing relocation post-divorce include:

1. What is an acceptable distance? Do you want to be within driving distance or set a particular radius that you can’t move out of?  How will your children travel back and forth for parenting time especially if they need to take a train or a plane?  Who will share in this cost and how will the logistics of the parenting plan work especially for younger children?
2. What will be the impact on your parenting? Naturally your parenting plan will change but the reality is, by relocating far away, one party may now lose the emergency backup they had in the other parent.  You may not be able to call the other party and let them know you’re in a meeting and ask them to pick up the children from soccer.
3. What is the impact on Child Support? In New Jersey, the child support guidelines dictate that the number of overnights in the parenting plan is a prominent factor in the calculation of child support.  By relocating, the guidelines may need to be recalculated.  Additionally what happens if you move out of state and the new state’s guidelines are different.  Do you use theirs or New Jersey’s?
4. If moving out of state, what are the reasons? Have you been transferred at work and really need the job?  Is your family all located somewhere else and moving to say Virginia would be a natural thing for you to do as you’re originally from there?  Are you running away from your ex?

By using mediation to discuss and resolve your post-divorce parenting plan issues such as relocation, you can come to an agreement that is child-focused and keeps their best interests in mind instead of worrying about what the courts might say or what your lawyers tells you can be won in a court of law.   It’s important to not let your animosity for each other color the way you care for your children as it takes a big person to put their own selfish needs aside and to recognize what’s best for their children even if it might not be best for them personally. By using mediation to resolve any post divorce parenting plan issues including those of relocation, you’ll be doing both yourselves and your children a big favor by resolving this in an efficient and amicable manner and developing a plan, even if it’s not a traditional one, that allows both of you as much time with the children as possible.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey and a Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services a NJ mediation practice serving central and northern New Jersey. Mr. Dillon can be reached at (908) 864-2177.

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