Dear Abby Agrees: Divorce Mediation is the Answer

As an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in NJ, I am constantly searching for relevant articles to help my clients and on occasion, a friend or family member will send me something on the topic of divorce mediation.  Last week I received a copy of a “Dear Abby” advice column and while I mean no disrespect, I am not a regular reader of her column so I was curious to its relevance.  Turns out, a recent inquiry from “Former Husband in Longmont Colorado” caught the attention of my friend and mine as well.  It seems “Mr. Husband” is experiencing what many of the clients of Equitable Mediation Services experience; he and his wife of 16 years have tried three different marriage counselors, still continue to argue and only get along by avoiding each other.  You don’t have to be a NJ divorce mediator to know this is no way to live but given what we know about lawyers and divorce, the pain of staying together can appear better than the pain of splitting apart.

But Dear Abby came to the rescue and presented Mr. Husband with this sage advice which this NJ divorce mediator wholeheartedly agrees:

“I have seen both kinds of divorces — one in which the warring spouses spent so much money in litigation there was little left for each of them when it was over; and the other, in which the couple agreed their marriage was broken beyond repair and arranged their divorce with as little cost as possible. I don’t have to tell you which people are doing well now.”

Yes Dear Abby has it right: there is a significant cost to getting a divorce and sometimes it’s not dollars we’re talking about.  Certainly couples who use divorce mediation in New Jersey save between $20,000 and $70,000 on their divorce but more importantly are the savings you can’t see when you look at your bank balance.  Divorce is a tremendously stressful process as the prospect of having your marriage come to an end is devastating.   Add to that the toll of the constant fighting that occurs when you each hire an attorney to litigate or engage in a collaborative divorce and you’ll see that the cost to your health and well-being can far exceed the financial cost of the proceedings.  But with divorce mediation, you get the best of both worlds.  You get a peaceful process led by an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in NJ focused on a fair and equitable resolution without all the stress of lawyers, courts, depositions and Case Information Statements at a much lower cost emotionally and financially.

There are many benefits of divorce mediation and I invite you to have a look at our website to see for yourself.  But if you don’t believe me, don’t take my word for it.  Ms. Abagail van Buren has been giving readers expert advice for the past 55 years so while you might not take the advice of little old me (Joseph Dillon) how can you not take the word of Dear Abby?

Social Security and Divorce Mediation

In my last post, I talked about how in a gray divorce or mature divorce, we can still use alimony to even out the income streams of two individuals who may be retired, today I’d like to focus specifically on the area of Social Security and how that’s impacted during a mature divorce.  It is quite possible that one of you worked in the marital home full time to raise children and one of you worked outside the marital home and earned an income (and possibly a pension) in a corporation.  For the spouse who worked in the marital home, their Social Security earnings are going to be much less than the spouse who did not and when they begin to collect, they may find their benefits pale in comparison to the corporate spouse.  Now you find yourself going through a mature divorce and you’re going to lose the benefit of your ex-spouses Social Security benefits.  Or are you?

The good news is there are circumstances in which you as the lower earning spouse may be able to collect Social Security benefits based on your ex-spouses earnings.  There are four conditions that need to be met:

1. You had to be married for at least 10 years.
2. You do not remarry.
3. You are 62 or older
4. Your benefits would be lower than that of your ex-spouse.

If these four conditions are met, you are eligible to collect Social Security benefits on your ex-spouses earnings.  Naturally your ability to collect is subject to the standard policies of the SSA and any earnings / income limitations that may be imposed but if you fall within the eligible spectrum and meet the four conditions above, then you can use your ex-spouses earnings information to collect a higher benefit amount.  In order to do this, all you need is your ex-spouse’s Social Security number and a copy of your divorce decree.  You can contact the Social Security Administration at (800) 772-1213 to get the process started and you will most likely have to answer some questions to prove that are indeed the ex-spouse but the process is pretty straightforward.

A common misconception is that your ex’s benefits will be reduced but this is not the case.  By using your ex’s earnings records, both you and s/he can collect the same amount of Social Security without an impact on either of you provided you meet the four conditions as outlined above.  It is important to note that while it is a component, Social Security (hopefully) should not make up 100% of your retirement income.  Through the proper discussion of the equitable distribution of your marital assets including pensions, 401(k) accounts and savings, we will work to put together a budget and income plan for you and do our best to ensure your financial security.  Being an Accredited Professional Mediator in NJ with an MBA in Finance certainly comes in handy in these cases so should you have any questions regarding alimony, equitable distribution or Social Security during a mature divorce, please call me, Joseph Dillon at (908) 864-2177 and I’d be happy to help you understand.

 

Alimony in a Mature Divorce?

As Americans are living longer and less willing to remain in unhappy marriages, we here at Equitable Mediation Services have been seeing more clients seeking divorce mediation services who have been married 30 years, 40 years or longer.  Commonly referred to as a gray divorce or mature divorce, these couples who have spent a lifetime raising a family,  amassing assets and planning for their golden years now find themselves in a precarious position.  A mature divorce is actually more challenging as there are two complicating factors:

1. An increased cost of living on a fixed income – it’s more expensive to run two households than one but what happens when your cost of living goes up and you’re on a fixed income?  That’s exactly what happens in the case of a mature divorce since most of our clients are either retired or close to it and were planning on a certain lifestyle based on their lifetime investments and savings.  To now have to cut those savings in half and double expenses is a frightening proposition but in the case of a gray divorce, a harsh reality.
2. Much less time to recover financially – divorce is never easy but if you were 35 it would be a lot easier to recover emotionally and financially from such an event.  In a mature divorce we need to ensure both you and your ex-spouse will have enough resources to live especially if one of you has a pension and one of you doesn’t or if one of you earned more during your working years and is now receiving a higher payout from Social Security.

So what do we do in a case like this?  Is there really alimony in a mature divorce?  The short answer is: yes.  Most people think of alimony ending upon retirement of the paying party but what if both of you are retired?  Like all divorce mediation clients, the answer starts with a budget.  In the case of a gray divorce, a budget is even more important because we know there won’t be an increase in income and expenses will most likely go up.  By establishing a budget, it allows us to see what both parties expect to spend on living expenses and by examining retirement holdings, Social Security and pension income, we can project if each party has enough to live.  If there is a difference in the two income streams, we then can offset the difference by using alimony to make sure each of you has the resources you need to live the rest of your life with some semblance of financial security.  And while I can’t guarantee what’s going to happen to Social Security, the good news if you’re divorced, you can claim benefits based on the work history of your ex-spouse as long as you meet certain conditions and by doing so, this will have no impact on the amount of benefits they receive.

If you are thinking of going through a gray divorce or mature divorce I invite you to give me, Joseph Dillon a call at (908) 864-2177 to learn more about how divorce mediation can help you.

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