Gray or Mature Divorce Considerations

As a NJ divorce mediator, I meet a wide variety of people from all over the State of new Jersey but the one thing they all have in common is divorce.  It seems that divorce does not discriminate as it is blind to age, race, economic background, education, number of years married, children, property ownership and the list goes on.   But just because everyone who comes through the doors of Equitable Mediation Services has divorce in common, it doesn’t mean they have the same considerations when it comes to divorce mediation.   Couples who have been married a short time or do not have children have far different issues to contend with than couples who have been married a long time, have adult children and have accumulated significant assets over a lifetime of marriage.  For these mature couples, divorce mediation takes on a whole new meaning.

Issues for mature couples to consider may include, but are not limited to the following:

1. Investments – perhaps one of you worked for a long period of time and has accumulated significant 401(k) holdings while the other has not.  Or you’ve purchase stock for your portfolio along the way and used it as a means to save.  In either case, having a divorce mediator like myself who also has an MBA in Finance can come in handy as the equitable distribution of these assets will be critical to your future sustainability.
2. Health Insurance – if you’re in your late 50′s, early 60′s and don’t quite yet qualify for Medicare, you need to consider that health insurance coverage may be quite expensive and need to factor it into your monthly budget when considering spousal support (when applicable).
3. Adult Children – your kids are your kids, no matter what age so don’t think just because they’re in their 20′s, 30′s or 40′s they don’t want to know what’s going on and explained to.  This is going to come as quite a shock to them so it’s important you explain the reasons for your divorce and understand their reaction should it not be so favorable.
4. Wills & Trusts – chances are (and I hope you do) you have a will or a trust set up to deal with your estate.  Make sure you adjust this when the time comes as you may find yourself offering your ex-spouse an unintended windfall should you not make a beneficiary change.  This is especially important if you remarry.
5. Your Lifestyle – chance are if you fall into the category of a gray or mature divorce, you won’t have a lot of working years to catch up and get your lifestyle back to where it once was.  You’ll need to deal with the reality that you may be living in an apartment when before you had a 4 bedroom house which unto itself is a major adjustment.  Be realistic with what you can afford to buy, what you can spend and what impact a divorce will have on your lifestyle.

And the last but most important tip of all?  Use an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator like myself to help you sort it all out.  You’ve worked hard for your money so why spend it on lawyers when you can get the exact same settlement through divorce mediation?

Have questions?  Please feel free to call me, Joseph Dillon, at (908) 864-2177 and I’ll be glad to spend some time getting to know your particular situation and seeing if divorce mediation is right for you.

Better Results Through Divorce Mediation

There are many benefits to using divorce mediation in New Jersey and besides the more obvious ones such as a more peaceful process and savings of $20,000 or more on your divorce, one of the most overlooked one in my opinion is that of better results. I don’t know about you but I don’t do my best thinking while under pressure.  When I’m stressed and being put on the spot to come up with an answer right this very minute, I simply punch out and take the path of least resistance.  I give in and make a decision just to have the issue go away.  I probably didn’t give it much thought and after I made the decision, given the time to think about it, would have probably made a different one but it’s too late to change my mind.  Just like in a divorce, when you each hire attorneys and are stuck in the vicious circle of the letter writing, phone calls and back and forth nonsense that an attorney driven divorce can bring, I can promise you that you will find yourself caving in just to make it go away.  Every time you go to the mailbox, every time the phone rings or every time your e-mail refreshes, you’ll be wondering what missive is being sent to you from the other side demanding this, that or the other thing.  How are you supposed to make a rational decision when you’re being attacked on all sides by the opposing counsel?  You simply can’t.

With divorce mediation, you have one of the greatest benefits of all: the ability to think.  In mediation, no one is rushing you to come to a settlement since in most cases you haven’t filed with the courts so we’re not trying to rush to prepare for trial or meet some court-imposed deadline on when we’re supposed to know what we want for the rest of our lives.  We have the ability to talk and work out issues in real-time so if something does come up and we need to discuss it further, we can because we’re all sitting in the same room.  No letter gets fired off to opposing counsel and you don’t have to wait a week to hear back to get your answer.  We resolve everything in real-time, at your own pace, making progress as you see fit and feel comfortable in doing and in my experience as a NJ divorce mediator, (and the courts have proven this out) this leads to better decisions and more long lasting results.  So if you and your spouse have made the difficult decision to divorce, I hope you’ll consider using divorce mediation as it truly is the smarter way to divorce.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional New Jersey divorce mediator and a Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services, a New Jersey mediation practice with offices in Morristown, Short Hills, Livingston, Metropark, East Brunswick, Bridgewater, Bedminster, Princeton and Red Bank.  Please call us at (908) 864-2177 to speak to someone who can help.

Reconciliation or Divorce Mediation?

As an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey, it is my job to help couples who have made the difficult decision to divorce, resolve issues such as equitable distribution or spousal support (formerly known as alimony) in order to draft what each party feels is a fair and equitable Memorandum of Understanding (aka the “paperwork”) and put them on a path towards their future.  On occasion I am asked by a potential client if I can help them reconcile as one of them doesn’t want the divorce which puts me as a NJ divorce mediator in a precarious position.  By the very nature of my title it would seem clear that my job is to help the parties move forward separately but in the case where I am asked if I can help stop the divorce and bring them back together here is what I say.

The fact is while it takes two people to get married in New Jersey, it only takes one to get a divorce.  Certainly it is my hope that if you have made the decision to divorce that you’ll consider using mediation but if both parties are unwilling to mediate,  one party is well within their rights to hire an attorney, file papers, serve the other spouse and litigate the divorce.  When you go this route “the horse has officially left the barn” and you and your spouse will be on a stressful, contentious and expensive path which will take you two to three years to resolve instead of two to three months.  Oh and did I mention the $100,000 you’ll waste to get the exact same settlement?

With divorce mediation we’re not officially on the clock yet.  Most clients who come to me have not filed with the courts nor have they sought attorneys.  We have the luxury of time to make decisions at our own pace without the pressure of having to be prepared for a court date.  And to address the question of reconciliation or divorce mediation, some of my clients do actually go through the process and realize they don’t want to be here.  Because you’re using mediation and have not officially filed with the courts yet, the only people who know you’re getting a divorce are myself and the two of you so if you do decide to reconcile, all you have to do is take the Memorandum of Understanding and toss it away.  On the flip side, if you were to file with the courts and were then going to try and put the brakes on your divorce, well… suffice to say it won’t be easy or cheap.

So while the decision to reconcile or divorce is up to you, for the obvious reasons divorce mediation is the most peaceful and efficient path forward, no  matter what your future holds.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional New Jersey divorce mediator and a Managing Partner of Equitable Mediation Services, a New Jersey mediation practice with offices in Morristown, Short Hills, Livingston, Metropark, East Brunswick, Bridgewater, Bedminster, Princeton and Red Bank.  Please call us at (908) 864-2177 if you have any questions about divorce mediation or anything you’ve read on our website.

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