Divorce Mediation is About Respect

I recently read a story about a family judge in Ontario, Canada who encountered a couple so hostile that he felt compelled to exact some revenge on the warring parties by means of inequitable judgments and pithy quips regarding their situation.   As a divorce mediator in New Jersey who encounters on rare occasion couples who no matter what just can’t seem to get along well enough to mediate, this article really hit home.  Regardless of your opinion of the judge’s behavior, a few things came to light for me when I read it.  First the key to coming to fair and equitable terms in any divorce or mediation agreement is respect.  Based on the behavior of the parties involved in this case, it was evident that neither party respected the other as husband and wife or as human beings.  Second is the concept that your petty disagreements and childish behavior are not meant to be escalated to a court of law.  Certainly there are times when issues arise that should be but it’s less necessary than you might think.  Using a NJ divorce mediator can help both of you make all of the decisions necessary to get through your divorce peacefully and efficiently as there is nothing a court of law can resolve for both of you that you can’t resolve yourselves.

Highlights from the trial include:

• The wife was awarded full custody of their 13-year-old daughter but the father should only pay $1 (and that’s a Canadian dollar) a month in child support.   Sad that the child became a pawn in the parties’ divorce as regardless of their marital status, they’ll always be mom and dad (although maybe child services should step in here and remove her as neither seems fit to parent.)
• He chided the couple for “marinating in a mutual hatred so intense as to surely amount to a personality disorder,” and said the chances of amicable resolution were “laughable.” The wife had poisoned their daughter “irreparably” against the father who, the judge admitted, had “a near-empty parenting tool box.”  I know from my experience that divorce can bring out the worst in people but it’s up to the parties’ to act like adults and get the mental health assistance they need in order to get through a difficult situation like divorce.
• The judge mocked the couple’s habit of sending abusive, vulgarity-laced texts to each other and their inability to be civil at their children’s sporting events. On one occasion apparently the wife, had tried to run the husband over with her car — “always a telltale sign that a husband and wife are drifting apart,” the judge noted.

Mediation is Divorce for Adults

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey I can tell you there is one thing that all couples who are able to successfully mediate their divorce have in common: the ability to act like adults.  Seems an interesting statement given there aren’t a lot of children getting married and divorced by the time they’re 10, but how well you get through divorce mediation has less to do with your biological age and more to do with your mental age.  When it comes to your divorce, what many couples don’t realize is they’re fully in your control.  Not the judge, not the lawyers but YOU which results in one of two scenarios:

1. You both rise to the challenge and act your age.  In this scenario, both parties realize that the time for fighting is over and the reason they sought a divorce mediator in New Jersey is to peacefully and amicably resolve the issues surrounding their divorce in an efficient and cost-effective manner.   With these couples, they approach divorce as a decision they’ve come to together and while neither one may be happy about it, they can at least realize that the sooner they move forward, the sooner they can each get on with rebuilding their respective lives.
2. The wheels of the bus come flying off while it careens into a ditch and catches fire. In this scenario (also known as the “scorched Earth” strategy) two parties are looking to exact a toll on the other party by any means necessary.  Typically not the jurisdiction of a divorce mediator in New Jersey these couples look to make every infantile argument, place blame and generally throw a tantrum to get what they want.  Please don’t misunderstand me: Divorce is difficult and there are times when emotions come into play even in session and that’s OK. But using emotions as a tactic to threaten, cajole or any other word the Thesaurus can come up with for fighting unfairly is not acceptable and has no place in a divorce, mediated or otherwise.

So before you call the offices of Equitable Mediation Services ask yourself this?  Does my interaction with my spouse sound more like option one or option two?  If it’s option one, then I invite you seek the services of a divorce mediator in New Jersey such as myself as you are most likely excellent candidates for mediation.   However if your relationship sounds more like option number two, perhaps you’ll want to call the fire department or AAA as you’re going need some help getting that bus out of the ditch.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey with offices throughout NJ including Princeton, Bridgewater and Morristown.  He can be reached at (908) 864-2177 or via e-mail.

One Stop Mediation Firms: Illegal, Unethical or Both?

While most NJ divorce mediators perform mediation services on a part-time basis, divorce mediation is my full-time role.   Many of those practicing mediation part-time are also attorneys and have added mediation to help expand their practice.  And while I am perfectly fine with attorneys trying to expand their practices by offering mediation services, I do take issue when they claim to be able to act as your mediator and your attorney playing the role of a neutral third party to start and then representing only one of you when drafting your property settlement agreement.  For NJ couples seeking mediation services, a one stop shop where they can hire both their mediator and their attorney in the same place or better yet in the same person may seem like a great idea but I ask you this: who’s watching out for whose interest and who is getting the short end of the stick? Is this illegal, unethical or both?  The answer may surprise you.

Divorce Mediators are neutral third parties that provide legal information and help facilitate the discussions necessary to help two parties come to agreements regarding the issues surrounding their divorce.  Mediators do not represent either party and cannot give advice or tell the parties what to do.  Mediators have no stake in the outcome as we don’t view divorce as a win-lose situation.

Attorneys are advocates whose only job is to represent their client (and their client only) to get them the best possible deal.  They aren’t focused on fair and equitable and they aren’t watching out for both parties’ interests. They do have a stake in outcome as their success in getting you and only you the best possible deal will most certainly impact your satisfaction with them as an attorney and ultimately their professional reputation.

So now here’s the dilemma: how does an attorney go from being a neutral third party mediator for the first part of your divorce and then to being an advocate as an attorney for another part of it?  Isn’t that illegal? Since they can only represent one of you, who do they choose?  Does that mean one of you now has to get your own new attorney?  Do you go unrepresented?  What happens if there is a problem in the future?  Do you have any recourse?  How much will it cost you to resolve?  Do you think they may be biased against one of you knowing they’ll ultimately wind up representing the other party?

Hiring one individual or firm to be both your mediator and attorney is like hiring the fox to watch the chicken coop: it’s not a good idea.  Period. I believe it to be unethical, illegal and just plain wrong.

Seek the services of an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey who can hep you and your spouse resolve all of the issues surrounding your divorce without any bias towards each of you.  It is only by doing so that each of you can rest assured that you’ll get a fair and equitable solution to your divorce.

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Joseph Dillon is an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey and can be reached at (908) 864-2177.

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