Use Mediation to Save Money on Your Divorce

As a NJ divorce mediator, I’ve noticed over the past year or so a gradual shift in the questions people ask.  Maybe two years ago, the questions would be “I’d like to ask you a few things about mediation” whereas today the first question out of anyone’s mouth is “how much does the divorce mediation process cost?”  When I get this question, I usually reply “Hello, what’s your name?” because I think that might be the right place to start!  But in today’s tough economic times, cost is the issue many of the couples I see face as either their house is worth less than they paid for it, one of them may be in danger of losing a job, they may have lost significant value in their 401(k)’s or are living off credit.  With all that is going on out there, it’s no wonder that the first questions people ask is “how much does mediation cost?”

The good news is it’s entirely up to you. You see with mediation in New Jersey, it is the role of the mediator to empower the parties to do most of the heavy lifting and actively participate in the negotiations.  As a NJ divorce mediator, it is my job to educate the parties, guide them through the divorce mediation process and help facilitate the negotiations that will ultimately lead to their Memorandum of Understanding.   How actively you both participate in the mediation process goes directly to how much your divorce mediation will cost. If you come to sessions prepared, have done the “homework” assigned to you and provide me with the documentation I ask for, then the divorce mediation process should go well and we’ll be on track to finish in an expeditious and cost-effective manner.

The second factor and way you can keep your mediation costs in line is the negotiation itself.  By now I’m hoping you’ve read my three part series on divorce mediation and negotiation and if you haven’t, you can access the three articles here:

1. Part 1
2. Part 2
3. Part 3

As you can see if you feel compelled to drag every item out on to the negotiating table and discuss it for hours on end, we can certainly do that but this type of activity will contribute directly to your cost.  If there is something that is truly bothering you I want you to be able to move forward and would suggest the names of some excellent mental health professionals as sometimes the emotional issues and the mediation issues can get intertwined. But in the end, even for couples whose mediation runs a bit longer than average, the good news is you’ll save at least $20,000 using divorce mediation as compared to hiring attorneys and litigating or engaging in a collaborative divorce.

When you’re ready, I invite you to give me, Joseph Dillon, a call at (908) 864-2177 to schedule an appointment for you and your spouse to learn why mediation truly is the smarter way to divorce or if you’re not ready just yet, feel free to e-mail me and I’d be happy to answer any questions you might have about the divorce mediation process and schedule a time for both of you to come in when you’re ready.

Divorce Mediation is the real Collaborative Divorce

As an Accredited New Jersey divorce mediator I am always searching for news and information on divorce, law and mediation and today I saw a story which was on the topic of collaborative divorce.  The excerpt I read said something about clients getting support from their attorneys but remaining completely in control of their settlement.  So that got me to thinking: if you as the client are completely in control, and it is you who has the final say, then why do you need the support of an attorney?  This is your divorce and so why leave decisions that are going to affect you for the rest of your life up to a complete stranger such as an attorney?  Instead, why not sit down with an Accredited Professional New Jersey divorce mediator like myself and work through the details of your divorce on your terms where you are truly in control?

I don’t know about you but I’ve never really met an attorney who doesn’t like to tell their clients what to do.  You hire an attorney for one reason and one reason only: to stick up for you. You don’t hire an attorney to be fair to the other side, you get an attorney to act in your best interest and sometimes in a contentious process such as divorce, sticking up for you at all costs is not always the best thing.  I’ve seen it time and again: people dig in their heels on some contentious point because their attorney told them they can win it (whatever “win” means in a divorce), and the negotiation goes nowhere.  Legal bills pile up, children are harmed in the process as their parents continue to fight and here it is two years later and you’re still not divorced but rather you’re still arguing over that one small point you thought would be a sure fire winner because your attorney advised you to do so.  Thanks, but that’s advice I don’t need, thank you very much.  So let me ask you again, do you really think it’s a good idea to involve an attorney in your divorce from the start?  Do you really think by immediately showing up to the negotiation with your attorney, that it’s going to set a collaborative tone?  I don’t know about you but what that says to me is “don’t address your questions to me, address them to my attorney as they will be speaking for me today.”

With divorce mediation there are no attorneys present.  Just you, your spouse and an Accredited Professional New Jersey divorce mediator like me, Joseph Dillon helping the two of you work through a solution that works best for you and your children and not one that your attorney thinks is best for you.  With divorce mediation, you are completely in control from start to finish and if you don’t want to involve an attorney in the process at all, it’s entirely up to you.  In the end, it is up to you and your spouse to decide what’s in both of your best interests and it’s my job to help you both get a settlement that’s fair and equitable.

That sounds like a true collaborative divorce to me.

(please note: there are only 100 Accredited Professional Divorce Mediators in NJ so be sure to select an Accredited Mediator and not just any divorce mediator)

Divorce Mediation and Culture: Factor 5

In our previous four posts, we’ve covered how age, gender, race and religion all have a role in determining a fair and equitable settlement for the client couple and impacts how a NJ divorce mediator may interact with them.  In today’s post we’re going discuss culture and as noted 19th Century Social Scientist Edward B. Tylor stated:

“culture is that complex whole which includes knowledge, beliefs, art, morals, law, customs and any other capabilities and habits acquired by man as a member of the society.”

So what does a NJ divorce mediator do when faced with someone with a different set of cultural norms than their own? Well, despite the enormous variations in culture throughout the world, all people acquire their culture through the same process: learning and by asking the relevant questions and gaining a deeper understanding of the issues that are important to the client couple, we can use these learnings to help them come to a better agreement.

Take for example, the concept of gender equality.  In the United States, it is the social norm that men and women are equals yet for some cultures what I as a divorce mediator may perceive as a power imbalance, may just be a cultural norm.  This can be quite challenging to overcome when I am trying to get each of the parties to answer a question and it is only the husband who answers.  Or what if a situation arises in which a client couple comes from a society where “saving face” is the cultural norm and so the issues cannot be properly discussed in mediation for fear of embarrassment of the other party?  Am I as the divorce mediator to let this pass, press the couple for answers and risk alienating them or advise them to seek counsel from a third party?  All difficult questions and the answer varies from couple to couple. But at the end of the day the one thing that any of these issues boil down to is trust.  It has been my experience that if a client couple trusts you as as their divorce mediator and is comfortable sharing with you the intimate details of their lives, then there is no topic that remains off-limits even if that topic may need to be discussed in a caucus, separately from the main mediated discussions.  By making the effort to gain a deeper understanding of a client couple, I find that I become a better mediator and learn something helpful that I can use in the future and that the clients appreciate the effort as well.

I hope you’ve found this five-part series on multi-cultural issues in divorce mediation helpful.  If you’re considering divorce, I encourage you to seek the assistance of a NJ divorce mediator who can help you work through all the major tenets of their divorce including parenting plans, equitable distribution, child support and alimony, in a peaceful and efficient manner.  My name is Joseph Dillon and I invite you to call me at (908) 864-2177 to learn how divorce mediation can help you and your spouse reach and fair and equitable agreement in a peaceful and efficient manner.

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