Divorce Mediation and Age: Factor 1

As we discussed in our last post, there are five factors that come into play when engaging in divorce mediation in New Jersey.   Our first factor, age,  can have a very significant impact on how each of the parties in divorce mediation think when it comes to certain issues.  This can be a challenge if the mediator and the couple are significantly different in age since depending on the age of the parties, their views on marriage, divorce and finance can be radically different.

While the concept of divorce has been around for centuries, the public acceptance of it has been a more recent development.  As a divorce mediator who grew up during a time when divorce was rather common, how do my beliefs about divorce impact my actions in mediation with a client couple who is in their 70′s?  Perhaps for these folks, divorce is still taboo and therefore I will need to not only address the standard issues covered in divorce mediation but also discuss the emotional issues they may be experiencing.  This isn’t something that’s taught in a classroom but rather is something a NJ mediator needs to be aware of on their own so that’s why you hear me saying again and again: make sure you seek out an Accredited Professional Mediator in New Jersey.

The other area where age can really come into play is in equitable distribution.  Take for example the couple who is now retired and in their 70′s.  I’m pretty sure the parenting plan is not an issue for them since in 99% of cases, their children are already emancipated and don’t need to be driven to soccer practice!  However their retirement assets and savings are going to be of major concern to them as they try to figure out how they are going to increase expenses establishing two separate households while living on a fixed income.  And don’t even get me started on spousal support as that could be not only an entire blog post but an entire book given it’s complexity for folks who are retired.

In addition to protecting retirement assets in equitable distribution, mediators and client couples who have an age difference may also have differing views on investing principles, home ownership, social security and the safety of banking institutions.  For example my mom grew up at the tail end of the Great Depression and so she doesn’t really trust abstract investments and tends to favor investing her money where she can see it like in a house or a car and not in a mutual fund.  Then there’s me with an MBA in Finance who monitors their portfolio regularly and is invested in stocks, bonds, mutual funds, overseas investments, etc.  As a NJ mediator I need to be careful not to project my tolerance for risk onto my clients and work with them in a manner they feel most comfortable.  Again, recognizing that age plays a large role in our needs and perceptions.

The bottom line is if your mediator isn’t addressing the issues that are most concern to you, don’t be shy to bring them up as mediation is your opportunity to hear and be heard. Getting an agreement that both of you are comfortable with now and in the future is a critical part mediation success and not something you should take lightly.

Multicultural Issues in Divorce Mediation: 5 Factors

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey, I have had the opportunity to meet with couples from a broad range of backgrounds given our proximity to what I believe to be the “Gateway to America,” New York City.  And given that I offer mediation services in Princeton, NJ (my southern-most office) and mediation services in Morristown, NJ (my northern-most location) and in many other locations in between, the diversity among divorce mediation clients I encounter is remarkable given the geography I cover and the broad socio-economic backgrounds that the many towns of New Jersey entail.  With all of these issues at play, it’s no wonder staying married is so difficult and divorcing can also pose a unique challenge.

First as we are all a unique amalgamation of backgrounds and experiences, it is these factors that make each and every one of us the individuals we are today.  Next when we marry, we blend these backgrounds together to create another unique set of factors.  Lastly, when we subsequently divorce, we are taking that blended background and trying to distill it back out to the original two backgrounds we started with.   Throw in the NJ mediator and their own background and well… you can see this could wind up to be one complicated situation.  That’s a lot of backgrounds and experiences to have to deal with when trying to assist a couple to use mediation for divorce.   So what do we do to manage all of these factors that come into play?  We focus on five areas I believe that are important to consider when engaging in divorce mediation:

1. Age
2. Gender
3. Race
4. Religion
5. Culture

As each of these factors has a unique effect on a couple’s views and the outcome of their divorce mediation, it’s important to pay special attention to each of these areas when working with a client couple.  Recognizing the importance of one or more of these issues may be the key to facilitating an efficient and effective discussion and helping a couple fairly and equitably resolve all of the issues surrounding their divorce so it’s my job as a divorce mediator in New Jersey to ensure that all relevant information is brought to light and used as points for discussion.  Over the next five posts on the Equitable Mediation Services blog, we’re going to examine in detail each of the five factors and talk about what a divorce mediator in New Jersey can do to (a) educate him or herself about them and (b) what role clients (and others) can play in the divorce mediation process.

But no matter what factors make up your unique background, using mediation for divorce, is the best way to peacefully and efficiently resolve all of the issues surrounding your divorce.  I invite you to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact me, Accredited Professional divorce mediator in New Jersey Joseph Dillon at (908) 864-2177 when you’re ready.

Divorce Mediation and Bankruptcy

As an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey with an MBA in Finance, I often find that clients with complex financial situation come to me to mediate their divorce.  And while the idea of calculating the cost basis of an investment portfolio or assisting with creation of a multi-faceted family budget doesn’t make me blink, the complexities surrounding bankruptcy pose a significant challenge when it comes to divorce mediation.  It seems just a few short years ago, divorce mediation and bankruptcy was unheard of as even the thought of filing Chapter 13 was enough to cause people to break out into a cold sweat.  But with the housing market and many clients’ homes still “underwater” and the job market continuing to be lackluster at best, more and more of the clients of Equitable Mediation Services seem to either be considering it as an option of have already gone through it prior to coming to mediation.  So what are the challenges when discussing divorce mediation and bankruptcy?

The real challenge with divorce mediation and bankruptcy is the concept of the “good faith negotiation.”  As you may already know, in divorce mediation, we go through a “discovery” process in which parties gather the relevant financial data and present it to the divorce mediator.  As I am relying on their honesty to present to me all of the tax returns, credit card statements, etc. that will allow me to prepare their Memorandum of Understanding and equitable distribution, what happens if one party tells me that they are filing for bankruptcy?  Because equitable distribution is defined as the division of the marital assets AND liabilities, what happens if one of the parties’ claims their liabilities are going to be dismissed or even more challenging – already dismissed yet they won’t provide proof – to the couples’ equitable distribution?  And what power as the divorce mediator do I have to compel them to provide such proof since mediation is a voluntary process and this is a good faith negotiation?

Because bankruptcy is such a disruptive process and will dramatically change the landscape of a client couple, it is this NJ divorce mediator‘s opinion that one should clear up the bankruptcy first and then proceed with divorce mediation.  You could start both processes at the same time but because we’re discussing the division of those liabilities, we’re not really sure until all the dust settles if the debts you think will be dismissed by filing Chapter 13 will actually be dismissed.  Many people are surprised to find that they may not qualify for bankruptcy and then have to ask themselves “now what?”  If we proceed in mediation as if the debts are going to be dismissed and they aren’t, then we have an incomplete Memorandum of Understanding.  If we do factor the debts in and then they are later dismissed, we may have an inequitable equitable distribution scenario.

But no matter whether you’re considering divorce mediation and bankruptcy or just using mediation for divorce, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a consultation in one of our Northern or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact me, Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator Joseph Dillon at (908) 864-2177 when you’re ready.

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