Divorce Mediation and the Negotiation Process Part I of III

For most of the couples who call the offices of Equitable Mediation Services seeking NJ divorce mediation information they are unfamiliar with the divorce mediation process and have many questions for a NJ divorce mediator such as myself.  I’d like to take the time over the next three posts to talk more about divorce mediation and the negotiation process as I’ve found how well a mediation goes to be less about the issues and more about how the parties handle themselves.  Below you will find some rules to keep in mind so that your divorce mediation sessions can go as smoothly as possible.

Rule #1 – Remember that “Winning” has a Cost

As a NJ divorce mediator I often find myself reminding the parties that coming to an agreement in mediation is far less costly than going to court both financially and emotionally.  I refer to what I like to call the “$25,001 question” as estimates I’ve read put going to court to resolve a single issue at around $25,000 therefore that issue better be worth $25,001 in order to make it worth your while.  On top of that, going to court is ugly, draining and stressful and can really take its toll on those involved.  That’s where divorce mediation comes in since we can all sit down in the same room and work out a solution together without having to go to court.  Remember: this is your divorce and you need to decide what you’re willing to give in order to get. Which brings us to Rule #2

Rule #2 – Remember to Clear Away your Mental Clutter

There’s no question divorce can make you temporarily insane as emotions are running high and feelings of anger, hurt or jealousy are bubbling just below the surface.  It’s natural for human beings to seek out information that reinforces what we already think anyway so as hard is this may seem, the key to success in divorce mediation is to clear away what your preconceived notions of divorce may be.  We’ve all seen the same movies in which divorce is made out to be some horrific battle which ends in the mutual destruction of the parties but in reality in New Jersey that only happens about 3% of the time.  That means by using divorce mediation you have a 97% chance of settling your divorce before you wind up in court! Think about it: if you were told you had a 97% chance of winning the lottery, would you play?  Of course you would!  So that’s where divorce mediation can really come in handy.  By letting go of your preconceived notions of what a divorce should look like, you can design a divorce memorandum of understanding that meets your specific needs.

In Part II of this article, I’ll address some basic rules for negotiating as well as give you this NJ divorce mediator‘s take on the “art” of negotiation but if you have any questions about how NJ divorce mediation works please call the offices of Equitable Mediation Services and ask for Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator Joseph Dillon at (908) 864-2177.