Divorce Mediation and the Negotiation Process Part 3

In our first two parts of our series on divorce mediation and the negotiation process, we talked about being prepared, being willing to compromise and coming into mediation with a clear mind and calm disposition.  In today’s post, we’ll talk about ways to keep things from escalating by offering some helpful tips and phrases you can use to move peacefully and efficient through your divorce mediation session.

Rule #5 – Out With The Old, In With The New

It’s easy for any of us to get caught up in old unhealthy patterns and it’s especially true for couples who are in front of a NJ divorce mediator! Going through such an emotional process as divorce mediation will make anyone a bit edgy but it’s up to you to recognize that falling into the same emotional traps isn’t going to help either of you move forward.

Now I’m no new age scholar but there is a great technique called mindfulness that says if you acknowledge an old behavior and give yourself permission to stop it instead of getting angry with yourself for doing it, you will be able to move past it quicker and develop a new, healthier way of acting .  By being mindful that you’re  sitting in front of a NJ divorce mediator, you are afraid and that this is not where you thought you’d be when you got married, you’ll be able to let the fear pass through you and make better decisions.

Rule #6 – If You Don’t Have Anything Nice To Say…

Mom was right: watch your mouth!  The best weapon that I know of is not a gun or a knife but rather your tongue as words can cause more harm than a bullet.  When presented with a stressful situation such as divorce mediation, it’s easy to fire off a jab or two when you’re still trying to get out of your same old patterns.

Some helpful techniques to consider:

1. Say “I” instead of “you” – focus on what you think instead of pointing out what you think is wrong with what the other party stated.
2. Say “help me understand” instead of “are you out of your mind!” It can help you gain clarity by asking the other party to explain their position as one of two things usually happen: they’ll either clarify any misconception you had and you’ll feel better agreeing or they’ll realize how their position may seem undesirable to the other party and change it.
3. Try phrases such as “I appreciate what you’re trying to do” or “while I agree with most of what you said, there is one area I’d like to discuss.”  I find that many of my clients have spent so many years arguing they can’t see there are things they can agree on so the small things trip them up. In divorce mediation, it’s no exception.

Most of all remember: divorce mediation is a negotiation process that requires compromise from both parties in order to succeed and with the help of a NJ divorce mediator like myself, you’ll be able to design a settlement that both of you feel is fair and equitable.  If you have any questions about the divorce mediation process, please call me, Accredited Professional NJ Divorce Mediator Joseph Dillon at (908) 864-2177 or e-mail me to schedule a consultation.