Mediation: Is All Fair in Love and War?

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey I have seen a lot of negotiation tactics and the one thing they all have in common is they are designed to wear the other party down.  Are there couples who are able to put aside that animosity and negotiate fairly?  Absolutely.  But even in the best of circumstances, there are times when one party resorts to coercive tactics.  As a divorce mediator in New Jersey it is my job to recognize those tactics and to try and help couples move past it but sometimes one party simply won’t budge. Recognizing these tactics can go a long way towards breaking any impasses as once the tactic is “named” in session, usually a firestorm of emotions is released (not necessarily a bad thing) and often times we can move past this emotional roadblock towards compromise.  So while you may think that there is no fighting in divorce mediation, sometimes having an argument or two is a good thing and the way to start and end that conversation is “calling the other party on the carpet” and pointing out their tactics.

To help you in your own divorce mediation, here are a few things to look out for:

1. Complicated rules surrounding compliance - “I’ll give you an extra $100 a week in spousal support if you only wear black t-shirts on Tuesdays.”  One has nothing to do with the other and is only a reason for the first party to set you up for failure.  As the party receiving the spousal support you’re so anxious to get the extra $100 a week, you’ll agree to anything.  No need to.
2. The silent treatment – As a divorce mediator in New Jersey it is my job to listen more than I talk but for couples engaged in divorce mediation, silence is just as uncomfortable as being married.  This is simply another tactic designed to get the other party talking, ranting and thrown off their emotional game.  Don’t fall for it.
3. The guilt trip – sure you may feel bad now and want to give up everything, but a year from now after you’ve been divorced for a while and your ex-spouse got everything, that guilt will be long gone and you’ll be left with nothing.
4. Personal attacks from the past – divorce mediation is a forward looking process and while I understand it is the events of your past that brought you to divorce, the time for discussing them is over.  They should have no bearing on what you decide the rest of your life will look like.

My name is Joseph F. Dillon and I am an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey.  If you have any questions about how divorce mediation can help, please feel free to call me at (908) 864-2177 or e-mail to schedule a consultation for you and your spouse in one of our many convenient New Jersey office locations.  We’ll take the time to review the divorce mediation process and to learn more about your particular situation to help you understand how mediation may benefit you.

Divorce Mediation Helps You Define What’s Fair

As a divorce mediator in NJ I help couples come to a mediated agreement they both find fair and equitable.  And while typically the phrase “fair and equitable” is centered around the concept of equitable distribution (the division of the marital assets and liabilities), it can apply in all four areas of divorce mediation: parenting plans, equitable distribution, child support and spousal support.  Each topic has it’s own set of gray areas that can lead some couples to moments of communication and compromise and some couples to court as the law isn’t as black and white as we’d all like to think.  It’s natural to think that there must be some set of rules that clearly define exactly how things work but many couples are surprised to find that “gray is the order of the day” so we’re never really sure what a judge might decide if we wind up in court.  That’s where divorce mediation really comes in handy.  Divorce mediation helps you define what’s fair by allowing you to make informed decisions based on what your stated goals and objectives are.

Often times I will hear someone say in a divorce mediation session something like “well if I went to court, I could get the judge to increase alimony” or “if I speak to my lawyer I could receive 100% of the house.” Sure… I guess you could but do you really want to take that chance?  This is your divorce and it’s not about what a judge or your lawyer thinks is going to happen; it’s about what do you both want.  I guess anyone with enough resources and a large enough team of attorneys could fight to the death and get that little extra something but ask yourself what do you think is fair and equitable?  What is the cost of not settling it in mediation and having to go to court?  Not only the financial toll which is significant but the emotional toll as well.   I hear all the time  “I don’t want to get screwed” (client’s words, not mine!) but if you know what it is you want and you manage to compromise in mediation to where you both each receive what you feel is fair and equitable, then no one is getting screwed, are they?

It’s been my experience as a divorce mediator in NJ that it’s very obvious when one party is unwilling to compromise and so if you’re contemplating using divorce mediation to settle your divorce, 98% of the time both parties are willing to do what it takes to avoid going to court even if it means a bit of arguing and gnashing of teeth.  So when you’re thinking about you want your Memorandum of Understanding to look like once you’re done with divorce mediation sessions, go into it knowing that chances are good both parties want what’s fair and equitable and with help from a divorce mediator in NJ and a little compromise, you can get there. Like Mick Jagger once famously said “you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find you get what you need.”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.

Countering Financial Dirty Tricks in Divorce Mediation

Thankfully, most of the clients we see at Equitable Mediation Services understand that divorce mediation is a good faith negotiation and abide by the principles of full disclosure.  It is the agreement of the parties to do what’s right and provide the NJ divorce mediator everything he or she asks for, that makes divorce mediation sessions go as smooth as possible.  So what can you do when you still believe divorce mediation is the way to go but one party decides they are not going to play by the rules of a good faith negotiation and engage in deliberately deceptive behavior?

Review the Credit Reports – it is frightening to me as a NJ divorce mediator how much companies know about you and I.  Once a year I get a copy of my free credit report and check it for accuracy.  For divorce mediation clients, these credit reports can serve as a powerful tool to ensure that any accounts that have been opened, both parties are aware of.  I can’t tell you how many surprise car loans or credit cards have been opened without the other party’s knowledge and subsequently revealed in mediation.

Hire a Good Accountant – as an Accredited Professional NJ divorce mediator with an MBA in Finance, I know there is something to be said about hiring a good accountant as they can spot incongruities in your tax returns and point out areas of concern.  During divorce mediation session, I ask for three years of full tax returns and you’d be surprised at how hard it can be to get sometimes.  I’ll get incomplete copies without all schedules or see suspicious deductions. If you don’t understand your tax return, you should always review them with an accountant and have he or she explain to you what they see as you never know what can pop up.  Remember – you signed it so you are jointly responsible if something goes awry.

Do a Budget – let’s say couple X makes $100,000 per year together but when they do their budget, they spend $150,000.  As a NJ divorce mediator I would expect them to have significant credit card bills.  If they don’t it tells me there is another income stream somewhere that I have not been provided access to.  Contrary to popular beliefs, money does not grow on trees and has to come from somewhere!

Most of all your best defense to financial dirty tricks in divorce mediation is to educate yourself.  An Accredited Professional NJ divorce mediator with an MBA in Finance (such as myself) can help you spot these incongruities and educate you (or refer you to someone who can) on the issues you need to concern yourself with to make sure your divorce mediation sessions go as smoothly as possible.

Should you have any questions about equitable distribution or divorce mediation in general, please feel free to contact the offices of Equitable Mediation Services and Accredited Professional NJ divorce mediator Joseph Dillon at (908) 864-2177 or via e-mail to schedule your consultation today.

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