Divorce Mediation is Better for Your Children

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve seen me discuss in detail how divorce mediation is better for your children and it seems yet another expert has agreed with me.  And while it doesn’t take a PhD to know that reducing conflict between parents going through a divorce can lead to positive outcomes for children, a recent article from the NY Times online editorial pages put it this way:

“A far better tack is to encourage couples to mediate their parting rather than litigate it, especially if children are involved. In a 12-year study of divorcing couples randomly assigned to either mediation or litigation, the psychologist Robert Emery of the University of Virginia and his colleagues found that as little as five to six hours of mediation had powerful and long-term effects in reducing the kinds of parental conflict that produce the worst outcomes for children. Parents who took part in mediation settled their disputes in half the time of parents who used litigation; they were also much more likely to consult with each other after the divorce about children’s discipline, moral training, school performance and vacation plans.”

As a NJ divorce mediator, I try to emphasize to parents that a good parenting plan is no substitute for good parenting.   As kids get older, grow up and things change, no matter how great your parenting plan is right this minute, give it a few years and it may turn out to be completely useless so you need to be able to communicate effectively as parents and not as ex-spouses.  In some cases, two parties are unable to come to agreement on the modifications requested by the other parent and so they need the help of someone like me.  One of the areas I can help couples who are already divorced is that of post-divorce parent coordination.  In this specialized area of mediation, we work with couples who are already separated to help them resolve outstanding issues related to their children and work with them to modify their parenting plan in the best interests of the child or children.  Special emphasis is placed on doing what’s best for the kids which sometimes may be in conflict what’s best for one parent or another parent.

An excellent example of this is the issue of schooling.  it’s a fact that here in New Jersey some school districts are better than other.  Perhaps you are the current Parent of Primary Residence (PPR) and your child lives with you a majority of the time.  Now they’ve turned high school age and sadly, the school district you live in has a high school that is less than stellar but your ex-spouse lives in an award-winning blue-ribbon school district and so you may decide to modify the parenting plan so that you become the Parent of Alternate Residence (PAR) and your child goes and lives with your ex-spouse a majority of the time.  Sure you’ll miss them but you know it’s what’s best for your child even if it’s not the best for you.  This helpful video explains a bit more about post-divorce parent coordination and how it can benefit you and your children.

If after viewing this video, you have any questions or need the services of a NJ divorce mediator, please feel free to call me at (908) 864-2177 and I’ll do my best to assist you.

Alimony and the Mature Divorce Need Mediation

Mature divorces come with their own unique set of circumstances given the substantial assets the parties have accumulated over their long-term marriage but what about alimony and the mature divorce?  How is something such as spousal support (formerly known as alimony) handled in situations such as these?  Unlike child support, there is no software program or formula to calculate alimony so therefore, coming to mediation is even more critical to those going through a mature divorce as there is so much at stake.

The first question I am asked as a divorce mediator in NJ is “why do I have to pay alimony?”  The basic concept is each of you contributed to the marriage’s success and therefore should share in the financial rewards.  The thought being one party sacrificed their career to support the other spouse by maintaining the family household and children.  Without this support, a high earning spouse would not have been able to earn such a salary and thus, both parties should benefit from it. As we like to say in mediation: one of you worked outside the home and one of you worked inside the home but you both worked.

So how do we agree on an appropriate amount of Spousal Support? This is where mediation really shines.  We start with a budget of what you looked like as an “intact couple” to establish what is known as the marital lifestyle. Then you’ll each do a budget of what life on your own will look like. We’ll then discuss an amount that allows each of you to live a relatively similar lifestyle to each other post-marriage.  Notice I didn’t say the same lifestyle you had as you were married.  We’ll factor in the length of your marriage, each of your incomes, your education, your earning potential and any goals each of you has in regard to your post-marital life.  Perhaps one of you wants to keep the house or one of you wants to pursue a college degree.

So when does alimony end and what exactly defines a “change in circumstances?”  This is an extremely complex matter and one best discussed with a divorce mediator in NJ who can help both of you determine what an appropriate duration may be and in what circumstances alimony may terminate.  In general (this is NOT legal advice) alimony continues until one of you has a “significant change in circumstances” which may be defined as: the receiving party getting re-married, the loss of a job with no prospect of employment for an extended period of time, a significant disability or a retirement.  As each couple’s situation is unique, it’s always best to consult with a divorce mediator in NJ who can help you both decide what you feel is appropriate in your particular circumstances.  The important thing to remember is: alimony is a conversation, not a formula.  This is your divorce so provided it’s within reason, the alimony amount you agree on and how long it lasts can be entirely up to you.

Valuation and Division of Pension Accounts in a Gray Divorce

In our last post on the Equitable Mediation Services divorce mediation blog, we discussed equitable distribution and how the valuation and division of retirement accounts in a mature divorce are handled.  Today I’d like to talk about pensions.  These days the idea of a pension seems pretty foreign but for those going through a gray divorce or silver divorce you may be one of the lucky few that still has a pension.  So how are the valuation and division of pension accounts handled in a gray divorce or silver divorce?   First is the plan itself and second is what is known as the “coverture fraction.”

The theory behind a pension is your employer has been setting aside a certain amount of money for you to collect from upon your retirement.  Behind the scenes, the employer has made guesses as to how long you’ll live, how much money they have to put away for all eligible employees and what those payments would be upon each employee’s retirement. But what happens if you find yourself in a gray divorce or silver divorce situation but you’re not yet retired?  For the purposes of equitable distribution we can calculate a value of this cash based on the pension plans rules, your age and your length of service using something called “present value” which represents the current value of the money your employer should have put away on your behalf at a certain point in time in this case, your divorce.   This calculation is rather complex so at least this NJ divorce mediator uses an outside firm to calculate these values.

The other factor is that of the coverture fraction.  Chance are those going through a gray divorce or silver divorce have been married for quite some time and would have substantial retirement assets to divide.  But as you’ve heard me say before the full phrase is the equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities.  So how do we determine if your pension is a marital asset?  We use what is known as a coverture fraction.  Divorce Support.com defines a coverture fraction as:

A tool used by an appraiser to separate that portion of the benefits which was earned during the marriage, from that portion of the benefits which were earned outside of the period of marriage.

So let’s say you are still employed and were married 30 years as of your date of divorce but were enrolled in your company pension plan for 45 years.  In this case, only 30 of the 45 years of service would be considered marital and there for only 2/3 of the pension value would be subject to equitable distribution (30 divided by 45.)  I realize this is a very simple example but it gives you a rough idea of how the valuation and division of pension accounts would be handled in a gray divorce or silver divorce or any divorce for that matter.

If you have any questions regarding equitable distribution or would like more detail regarding the valuation and division of pension accounts in a gray divorce or silver divorce please feel free to contact me (NJ divorce mediator Joseph Dillon) at (908) 864-2177 or via e-mail and I’d be more than happy to help.

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