Here in the offices of Equitable Mediation Services, we’ve seen a dramatic increase in the number of couples who are considering living together after their divorce.  Certainly this seems counter-intuitive as the reason for getting a divorce or going through mediation in the first place would seem to be that you no longer want to be married and therefore, live together.  But given today’s tough economy this New Jersey divorce mediator is hearing it brought up more and more.  One of the ways couples using divorce mediation can work through these issues is to draft a Memorandum of Understanding which outlines the agreements they will make regarding their living arrangements post-divorce.  For the couples who use our mediation services and approach the subject of living together after divorce, they fall into three broad categories:

1. “Strapped for Cash” – this is the most common reason I’ve seen for living together after you are divorced as many couples today simply don’t have the resources to live separate lives as running two households certainly costs more (a lot more) than running one.  In mediation we call it “The Costco Effect’ in that living together brings with it a host of discounts one wouldn’t normally enjoy alone.  You have one cable bill, one Internet bill, only need to heat one home, etc.   For these couples, the decision to live together can be a conscious choice (i.e. let’s save as much money as we can before moving on) or it can be a sad reality (i.e. through budgeting both realize neither of them can make it on their own).
2. “Hopefully the House Will Sell Soon” – for couples who decide to sell the marital home as part of their mediated divorce settlement, it can often make sense to live together until such time when the house is sold.  For these couples, it’s less a matter of finances and more of convenience as perhaps they wish to minimize the number of times they need to move if they were to take an apartment for a few months, have the house sell, get their share of the equitable distribution and then purchase another place.
3. “It’s Better for the Kids” – now I’m not sure I can agree with this statement as a NJ divorce mediator but then again, I am not a mental health professional so I really don’t know the true answer to this question.  Based on my experience, the age of the children doesn’t seem to matter as parent of both young and older children often consider this route.  For couples with very young children it may be a very long time until such a life event occurs (such as high school graduation) and so you may be living together for a very long time.

It’s important that you consider which reason you think applies in your particular situation and work with your NJ divorce mediator to draft a Memorandum of Understanding to cover the short, medium and long term plan for such an arrangement.  Also don’t forget to work through what events would allow one of you to move out and in turn, what the downstream financial effects and equitable distribution implications would be for all of you as the pain and loss of divorce is devastating enough without having to re-live it all over again a few months or years down the road when one of you decides you may no longer like the living arrangement.

Yes.

There, now you don’t have to read the rest of the post but in reality, it’s a little more complicated than that, but not much.  As a NJ divorce mediator I am often asked by couples in the offices of Equitable Mediation Services if they are good candidates for mediation and I reply with one simple question: do you want to be?  Because mediation is a voluntary process, anyone can choose to mediate their divorce but at the end of the day, it also means that anyone can leave the mediation session at any time so the number one factor in whether or not you can mediate your divorce is you.

Is it difficult to sit in the same room with someone who is soon to be your ex-spouse and try to peacefully work through the four major areas of your divorce (parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony) sure it is but you can do it.  Are there times you wish you weren’t there and that it seems like no progress is being made and no one is happy with the direction things are headed?  Absolutely.  But at the end of the day I can tell you as a Divorce Mediator in NJ who has worked with couples just like you, your chances of success in mediation are 98%.  Sure it seems like a made up number but at the end of the day the NJ courts and this NJ divorce mediator share the same opinion on the success rate of mediation for divorcing couples and that is 98%.  There will always be that 2% that walks away or misses the point that mediation is supposed to be a collaborative effort and not a venue to air your grievances.  The time for arguing has come and gone and it’s now time to move on with your lives.  To work through your settlement and come to a fair and equitable agreement that works for both of you and your children, when applicable.  But if you’d like to continue the fight, prolong your misery and spend tons of money, then no, divorce mediation is not for you.

So at the end of the day what are you left with?  Well if you’re going to get the same result, in less time, with less stress and save at least $20,000 in the process, I know what option I would choose if I were you but then again, much like being in mediation, I can’t tell you what to do.  All I can do is present you with information about the benefits of mediation and you still both choose to take the litigious route, then so be it.

But don’t say I didn’t warn you…

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Joseph Dillon is a Professional Accredited Divorce Mediator in NJ and the owner of Equitable Mediation Services a New Jersey divorce mediation practice serving Somerset, Mercer, Middlesex, Essex, Morris, Monmouth and Hunterdon counties including the towns of Edison, Parsippany, East Brunswick, West Orange, Bridgewater, South Brunswick, Hillsborough, Livingston, Randolph, Maplewood, West Windsor, Summit, Plainsboro, Millburn, Morristown, Montgomery, Madison, Readington, Branchburg, Warren, Princeton, Metuchen, Lawrenceville, Pennington, Short Hills, Bernards, Bedminster, Colts Neck, Holmdel, Roseland, Montclair and surrounding areas.

You see it all the time.as the latest celebrity divorce hits the headlines with the sordid details of some extra-marital affair or other piece or dirty laundry aired out for all the world to see.  Yet for as much as this NJ divorce mediator tries to tell everyone he can get to listen, some people still don’t understand about the benefits of divorce mediation.  Our latest victim is NBA star Allen Iverson who’s recent split from his wife seemed to be heading down the more peaceful and efficient path of divorce mediation until something tripped things up and suddenly, they were litigating.  No longer were they going to enjoy the confidential process of divorce mediation but by doing so instead became tabloid fodder as they decided to litigate their divorce.  After all the recent celebrity splits we’ve seen, you have to think they knew what would happen yet if they had followed through and used divorce mediation, the process would have remained behind closed doors.

Here at Equitable Mediation Services we know that your divorce is a sensitive topic and while you may not be a celebrity, it’s not really a topic you want others knowing much about.  Client couples who come to see me often forget that courtrooms are public spaces and anyone can enter one at any time.  And while the chances may be slim, how many of us have that “nosy neighbor” who likes to get into everybody’s business and would just show up and sit in the back of the courtroom to revel in your misery?   With divorce mediation it’s different.  The entire proceedings are held in a closed room with only each party and the NJ divorce mediator present.  All issues are worked out in private and any details of the proceedings are only discussed outside the four walls by you, not me.  There are a number of benefits to divorce mediation confidentiality:

1. No one knows about your divorce except you and your spouse.
2. Without an audience, I’ve found the negotiations go a lot more peacefully.
3. You can try things in divorce mediation that you may not wish to try in an open courtroom.  When the process is confidential and the parties know they have the freedom to take chances and discuss things they might not bring up in open court, the Memorandum of Understanding is a much better agreement as it reflects the true desires and agreements of the parties – not ones manufactured and forced upon them by their attorney’s or a judge.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation in NJ using mediation for divorce or how hiring a NJ divorce mediator can benefit you, please feel free to contact Equitable Mediation Services to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our nine North or Central New Jersey office locations.  Or feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.