You would think by now that people would know NJ divorce mediation is the only way that one should even consider getting a divorce but alas, only a small percentage of couples are smart enough to use a mediation service as a means to peacefully and efficiently resolve their differences and come to a fair and equitable distribution of their marital assets and liabilities.  If you’re like most New Jersey couples contemplating a divorce, you’ve probably spoken to your friends and family but what about a family court judge?  Well this NJ divorce mediator had just that opportunity and the results may surprise you.

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve seen me write about the benefits of divorce mediation in NJ and how couples who use it get much better outcomes in much less time and for a fraction of what a typical divorce would cost if you were to involve attorneys.   Much to my surprise, the same sentiments were repeated in a seminar given by this family court judge as she espoused as follows:

• On equitable distribution – “couples are encouraged to try to work together before coming to court to determine the value of their assets and liabilities and outline what each party will get as a result of the divorce.” Through an extensive discovery, analysis and review process, this is exactly what we do during the NJ divorce mediation process, producing a fair and equitable result that both parties can agree to.
• On going to court – “people are encouraged to mediate before coming to court because if they get in front of a judge, both parties are likely to not be happy with the result.  You are going to have your settlement determined by someone who is a complete stranger to you and doesn’t know what each of you wants or need as individuals and is only going to be able to make a ruling based on the limited information presented to them in a very short period of time.” As a divorce mediator in New Jersey I know I sound like a broken record when I say mediation allows you to control your future by agreeing to a settlement that works for both of you.  Both sides are encouraged to work together to get what’s most important to them while compromising and offering the other party something of equal value in return.
• On the legal system and rules of court - “there are 2300 pages of rules of court and thousands of pages of laws and trying to navigate it all is challenging to even the most experienced legal professionals.” By using a NJ divorce mediation professional such as myself, I will work with each of you to educate you on the rules and laws that affect your particular case and focus in on the issues that matter most to you and your family.  You’re not like everybody else so why should you subject yourself to such a generic process as going to court?

I understand the decision to divorce is not an easy one but once it is made, the choice on how to proceed with your divorce is up to you.  Do you take the expensive and contentious road and hire attorneys to hash it out or do you sit down and with the help of a NJ divorce mediator work together to design a settlement that works for both of you and your children?  If you believe the judge, I think the choice is obvious.  Don’t you?

As a professional who practices divorce mediation in NJ, I am constantly seeking continuing education opportunities to stay abreast of changes in the law and to learn advanced mediation techniques that can help the clients of Equitable Mediation Services achieve the best possible results in their particular case.  Having an office in East Brunswick, last evening I attended a workshop offered by the Middlesex County court system on divorce procedures to put myself in the shoes of an individual who was either contemplating bringing their divorce to court or going to file “pro se” and attempt to manage their own divorce without assistance.

Words cannot describe what transpired over the next two hours.

As an Accredited Professional Divorce Mediator in New Jersey I am required to posses an advanced understanding of the law and even with my extensive training and knowledge base, found myself at times lost amidst all the jargon, forms, procedures, rules of court and general mayhem that our legal system has become.  By the end of two hours, many of the attendees had glazed over and spent more time shifting uncomfortably in their seats than listening to the 8 presenters that put on the workshop.  And while I certainly appreciated the presenters volunteering to do this free of charge, it became very apparent to me that they were mired in the language of their world and spoke to the crowd as if they understood what a CIS, Notice of Proposed Final Judgment or Early Settlement Panel actually meant unlike for couples using divorce mediation in NJ where your divorce mediator actually takes the time to explain what the terms mean and only offers you information that is pertinent to your particular case.  It’s like your English teacher used to tell you how you can’t use a word to define itself?  Same thing here: no one actually told us what these terms meant before using them in a sentence.  Add to that the helpful packet of information they gave each attendee at the start of the presentation was so large, it did not fit into my binder.  I tried to use an elastic band to keep it all together since the binder clip they gave me couldn’t contain it all but it was no use.  The elastic snapped under the stress of being stretched too thin, trying to get around a stack of documents 3 inches high.

So what did I learn after going through this? Avoid going to court at all costs and use divorce mediation to settle your divorce.

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If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our nine North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Some couples seeking divorce mediation in New Jersey come to us here at Equitable Mediation Services expecting us to have some magic bullet that is going to get the other party to agree to all of their wishes but sadly, that is simply not the case.  I often remind them that while I as a NJ divorce mediator can provide them lots of useful and pertinent legal information as well as help them create options that may work for them in their particular situation, I am not permitted by law to decide for them one way or the other.  Nor can I sit in judgment and based on information presented to me, advise them on what side of the law their case will come down on.  You see, the amazing thing about our system of laws is that when it comes to making decisions, much of the power lies in the hands of the people who are engaged in the disagreement in the first place. And while yes, the law can seem at times complicated and confusing (and it is) the bottom line is that provided it is within reason, two parties can come to whatever agreement they can mutually land on.  And that’s where divorce mediation in New Jersey comes in.

By empowering the parties, I as your NJ divorce mediator will help guide you through the maze of the law while encouraging each of you to make compromises to reach an agreement before it ever gets to a courtroom. It is the goal of every one of our sessions to make progress no matter how incremental towards coming to a mutually agreeable solution that you and your children can both live with and benefit from moving forward.  I cannot compel either of you to abide by it nor can I implore you to agree with something the other party put forth in one of our sessions.  What I can tell you is that by choosing to use divorce mediation in New Jersey, you have at least given yourselves a chance of coming to a compromise before you enter the litigious world of the attorney driven divorce and trust me, that is not something you even want to consider.

What I find as a NJ divorce mediator is that most couple’s issues are well within the realm of being addressed and resolved in mediation. In fact 95% of the time divorce mediation in New Jersey is a success with the parties being able to come to an agreement in session saving them lots of time and money in the process.  But what about the couples that can’t come to such an amicable conclusion?  To them I say this.  Think about the real differences that lie between the two of you.  Regardless of the issues of your principles, at the end of the day, there is a cost to resolve disagreements by going to mediation or going to court.  So wouldn’t you rather resolve the issue among yourselves, in the privacy of a NJ divorce mediator‘s office at a significantly reduced cost or would you rather go to court and spend $50,000 on what will most likely in the end be a matter of much less financial significance?

I have often found that the couples with bigger dollar amounts at stake are the most likely to compromise and resolve their issues and the ones where items costing less than $100 are the ones in which the most difficulty occurs.  So ask yourself this:  if I’m arguing about $100, do I really want to spend $25,000 to prove my point or should I compromise, pay half and save myself $24,950?

Your call.