Mediation: Putting the Focus on your Children

For divorcing couples with children (and that represents approximately 80% of the Equitable Mediation Services clientele) the need to have a peaceful divorce is even more critical.  Even thought you will no longer be husband and wife, you will still be mom and dad so as a New Jersey divorce mediator, it is my job to keep both parties attention focused squarely where it belongs (on the children) to preserve the relationship each of you will have with them post-divorce.  Why is this so critically important?  In addition to the endless research studies on the impact of divorce on children, a new survey published today of 4,000 divorced individuals by British Law Firm Mishcon de Reya, found the following equally disturbing data:

• 38% of the children involved in divorce proceedings lost touch with their father post-divorce.
• 20% of  parents admitted to have made the divorce as unpleasant as possible for their partner, regardless of the impact on the children.
• 19% of children said they felt used in the separation process.
• 49% deliberately delayed the legal process in order to secure their desired outcome.
• 68% of parents also admitted they used their children as bargaining tools.

Regardless of how you feel about your soon to be ex, you owe it to your children to use divorce mediation in New Jersey to settle your differences.  So how can a divorce mediator in New Jersey help?  First by designing a parenting plan that works for both of you and your children, we’ll help ensure that your children see both of you as much as possible.  next, with the help of a special software program, we’ll run a variety of NJ child support scenarios taking into account a series of complex factors to ensure that your children don’t become the economic victims of divorce.  Last, we’ll make sure that we discuss the issues that will impact your children 5, 10 15 and even 20 years down the road so that when the time comes, you aren’t arguing over who should do what and having to go back to court and spend who knows how much to resolve an issue that should have been thought of years prior.  With some planning, cooperation and the help of NJ divorce mediator, you can be sure that your relationship with your children will be a positive one for many years to come.

That is until they turn 17 and ask for the keys to the car.  Then you’re on your own…

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Mediation, Collaborative Divorce or Litigation: Which is Most Empowering?

Here at the offices of Equitable Mediation Services, we get a lot of calls from people inquiring about divorce mediation in New Jersey but for one reason or another they are reluctant to book a free consultation and off they go never to be heard from again.   Do they think perhaps there is a better way to divorce?  Or perhaps by speaking with an attorney there will be some magic bullet that an attorney has available that a NJ divorce mediator doesn’t?  We all live in New Jersey and we all must follow the same rules when it comes to divorce so unless one of the parties is incapable of making rational decisions, given enough information they are permitted to make any decision they so desire with regards to their divorce.  So when you really think about it you need less legal counsel and more legal information and that’s where the expertise of an accredited professional NJ divorce mediator comes in.

Let’s briefly take a look at where each of the three major paths to divorce – litigation, collaborative law and divorce mediation stand when it comes to empowerment.

1. Litigation - I think it’s safe to say that litigation is your option of last resort.  You are represented by an attorney and all of your hopes, fears and desires must be communicated through your appointed legal counsel.  Your fate is then determined by (1) the judge and (2) your attorney’s competence level  No disrespect to those in the profession but there are a lot of bad lawyers out there so take your chances if you think you’re feeling lucky.  Who is this good for? Extremely high conflict couples who have no respect for each other and can’t be in the same room together.  Based on the most recent literature, this would represent about 1% – 3% of the general population.
2. Collaborative Divorce (also known as Collaborative Law) – Much like litigation this is an attorney controlled process where you, your attorney, your spouse and their attorney sit in a room together and try to work things out.  That’s a lot of people in the same room trying to work things out not to mention the messages will get diluted as there are four people in there, each with their own viewpoints.  And if you know anything about attorneys they are fierce advocates for their client.   Not for a fair and equitable settlement mind you but rather for the people who are paying for their time.  Who is this good for? The attorneys billing you.
3. Divorce Mediation – When it comes to empowerment, you can’t beat divorce mediation in NJ.  By providing the parties with the legal information they need to make an informed decision, your New Jersey divorce mediator will help empower each of you to express your hopes, fears and desires and to work towards a mutually agreeable resolution.  Neither party can win at the expense of the other and you are both free to come to an agreement that works for you and your children when applicable.  Who is this good for? You and your children.  Based on recent literature, couples able to settle their divorce before getting to court represents about 97% to 99% of the general population.

So when it comes down to it, divorce mediation is the best way to put your divorce firmly in your hands and give you the greatest sense of control over your own future I mean after all, it is you divorce last time I checked.

Mediation and the Art of Compromise

As a professional who has dedicated their life to peacefully resolving martial discord through divorce mediation in New Jersey, I can tell you that compromising (especially with someone you’re not particularly fond of) is an art.  Given the painful nature of divorce, dragging it on is not in anybody’s best interest and that’s why am I a proponent of divorce mediation in New Jersey.  I can tell you from the countless couples I’ve worked with, the best thing for your unhappiness is healing but in order to do so, you need to get through the hard part (your divorce) first.  Am I saying that you should just give up everything in the interest of moving on quickly?  Absolutely not but compromise is an art and you have to know what you want and what you’re willing to give up even before you set foot in the office of a NJ divorce mediator.  Doing so or not doing so will impact greatly the duration of your divorce and the subsequent number of divorce mediation sessions you will need to effectively resolve your issues.

Divorce mediation is an iterative process in which the decisions you make build on each other leading to an agreement known as the Memorandum of Understanding.  And while one of the benefits of mediation is that nothing is written in stone and you reserve the right to change your mind, you must remember that doing so, may be destructive to the process and therefore cause unnecessary delay.  Again let me state: should you simply go along with everything you partner wants simply to get through your divorce mediation?  Absolutely not but by having a rough outline in your mind about how you’d like to see things proceed will not only help expedite the process, it will also let you know which battles to fight and which ones to leave alone.  Before going to see a divorce mediator in New Jersey, take some time to think about the following:

1. Parenting Plans – which days of the week / weekend would I like the children to be with me?  Which holidays would I prefer and which ones am I willing to give up in order to get what I want?
2. Equitable Distribution – do I want to buy the house or would I care if my ex-spouse did?  Which part of our retirement portfolio would I want and which parts am I ambivalent about?  Would I rather have liquid assets like cash as part of my equitable distribution or illiquid assets like the house?
3. Child Support – what expense am I willing to pay for that are not covered by the New Jersey Child Support guidelines and which ones am I not?  How do I want to split those expenses that are not covered?
4. Spousal Support / Alimony – do I want spousal support or alimony or would I rather trade items from equitable distribution in lieu of it?  How long would I want it for and for how much?

As adults we all need to give and take and divorce mediation is no different.  Like the song says you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need and in the end, that’s all that’s really important.

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