Mediation and the Art of Compromise

As a professional who has dedicated their life to peacefully resolving martial discord through divorce mediation in New Jersey, I can tell you that compromising (especially with someone you’re not particularly fond of) is an art.  Given the painful nature of divorce, dragging it on is not in anybody’s best interest and that’s why am I a proponent of divorce mediation in New Jersey.  I can tell you from the countless couples I’ve worked with, the best thing for your unhappiness is healing but in order to do so, you need to get through the hard part (your divorce) first.  Am I saying that you should just give up everything in the interest of moving on quickly?  Absolutely not but compromise is an art and you have to know what you want and what you’re willing to give up even before you set foot in the office of a NJ divorce mediator.  Doing so or not doing so will impact greatly the duration of your divorce and the subsequent number of divorce mediation sessions you will need to effectively resolve your issues.

Divorce mediation is an iterative process in which the decisions you make build on each other leading to an agreement known as the Memorandum of Understanding.  And while one of the benefits of mediation is that nothing is written in stone and you reserve the right to change your mind, you must remember that doing so, may be destructive to the process and therefore cause unnecessary delay.  Again let me state: should you simply go along with everything you partner wants simply to get through your divorce mediation?  Absolutely not but by having a rough outline in your mind about how you’d like to see things proceed will not only help expedite the process, it will also let you know which battles to fight and which ones to leave alone.  Before going to see a divorce mediator in New Jersey, take some time to think about the following:

1. Parenting Plans – which days of the week / weekend would I like the children to be with me?  Which holidays would I prefer and which ones am I willing to give up in order to get what I want?
2. Equitable Distribution – do I want to buy the house or would I care if my ex-spouse did?  Which part of our retirement portfolio would I want and which parts am I ambivalent about?  Would I rather have liquid assets like cash as part of my equitable distribution or illiquid assets like the house?
3. Child Support – what expense am I willing to pay for that are not covered by the New Jersey Child Support guidelines and which ones am I not?  How do I want to split those expenses that are not covered?
4. Spousal Support / Alimony – do I want spousal support or alimony or would I rather trade items from equitable distribution in lieu of it?  How long would I want it for and for how much?

As adults we all need to give and take and divorce mediation is no different.  Like the song says you can’t always get what you want but if you try sometimes you just might find, you get what you need and in the end, that’s all that’s really important.