Like many things in life, the demand for divorce mediation services follows a seasonal pattern.  There is a lull in November and December and then in the second week of January, we at Equitable Mediation Services begin to receive calls from couples just like you seeking the services of a New Jersey divorce mediator. Why am I telling you this?  Because if you are reading this article right now, chances are you’re contemplating a divorce and may be seeking a mediation service come early next year and I want you to be prepared.

Of the four major issues facing divorcing couples: parenting plans, equitable distribution, child support and spousal support / alimony, three of these issues are financial and will require you to produce documentation which is commonly prepared at year end so it’s important that you obtain copies as soon as you are able.  Items such as W-2′s, tax returns, mortgage balances, annual 401k / brokerage statements, etc. will all be sent to you in the coming months and will come in handy when discussing the areas mentioned above.  Having copies will not only help you be better informed and prepared but also allow your NJ divorce mediator to help both of you come to a fair and equitable settlement based on actual, recent data.  Frequently, one member of the household is “in charge of the checkbook” and has the couple’s financial information at their fingertips while the other party is mostly in the dark.  By taking advantage of this time of year and the year-end statements that come with it, if you are contemplating a divorce, now is a good time to become well-informed and begin planning your future.

Another reason these items are important is directly related to one of the main benefits of mediation.  Most divorcing couples who use a divorce mediation service save at least $20,000 on their divorce and a big part of that reason is directly related to the information gathering phase.  By doing your homework and producing the requested documentation, you and your spouse will not only both be on a level playing field which leads to more informed decision making, it will also help your mediator in calculating such data driven items such as equitable distribution and child support and possibly help ease the divorce process thus minimizing cost and stress.  Given the uncertainty divorce can bring, it’s best to gather as much information as possible in advance in order to get a handle on what your future financial picture might look like and with all the year-end reporting, it’s much easier at this time of year.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

In our first article on what to look for in a NJ divorce mediator, we examined some of the common questions couples seeking divorce mediation services should ask to get a better idea of the background and experience of the mediator.  In today’s post we’ll take a look at some of the interpersonal issues divorcing couples should consider when seeking a mediation service and offer some questions to ask yourself before moving forward.  As we discussed in part 1, divorce mediators in New Jersey can come from a variety of backgrounds including mental health, legal and financial so it’s important to select a mediator that has the experience and style that suits your particular personality and needs.

1. Am I willing to share information with this person? – Divorce mediation is about so much more than just the legal issues surrounding divorce.  It can be part of the healing process in which each party can work through some of the pain and anger of their pending divorce.  While not meant to be a substitute for a mental health professional, it is important you feel that your divorce mediator cares about you and your children and if an issue does arise, they can refer you to someone who can help.
2. Is this person impartial? - it is the job of every divorce mediator in New Jersey to be a neutral third party but are you certain that yours is or can be?  Whether it’s the biases we carry or our background or training (which is especially true of most attorneys who try to be mediators as they are trained advocates, not neutral third parties!) showing favor to one party in mediation is a red flag and one that should not be tolerated.  And if something does come up, can you address it with the mediator and know that your concerns will be properly addressed?
3. Does this person “get us?” – will the mediator try to come up with a unique solution or are they just following the process and trying to fit you into a cookie cutter template?  All part of being a great divorce mediator is listening to the couple and seeing what it is they want, even though it may not be what a “typical” settlement looks like.  Remember – this is mediation and you’re here because you want to come up with a solution that works for you – not the courts, a judge or a lawyer.

One last point of note: this is the rest of you and your children’s lives so make sure you make a decision based on relevant facts and not on just who may be closest to your home or has evening office hours.  I can’t tell you how many times we’ve had clients come to us at Equitable Mediation Services with paperwork from another mediator they started with only to be disappointed in the result because they didn’t consider the mediator’s personality and background.  In the end it wound up costing the couple more time and even more money to get a solution that worked for them.

If you do have any questions about divorce mediation or how we may help you, please feel free to contact us and we’ll do our best to address your concerns right away.  We know how difficult a decision divorce can be and we promise to be with you every step of the way to get you and your family a solution that works for you.

One of the things I am often asked for as a New Jersey divorce mediator is references which as simple a question as it might seem, puts me in a tight spot.  You see, divorce mediation is a confidential process and therefore no specific information regarding the parties can be shared.  I am certain that if you came to Equitable Mediation Services to mediate your divorce, you wouldn’t want me handing out your name and telephone number to complete strangers.  So before you go out and meet with a NJ divorce mediator, here is a list of questions to ask in order to help you get a better idea if this person is qualified to facilitate your divorce mediation.

1. What is the mediator’s experience? I know everyone has to start somewhere but do you really want to be their first or second client?  And do they specialize in divorce and family?  There are other types of mediation such as civil and employment and the laws are completely different.  Make sure your mediator has experience specifically in family and divorce.
2. What is their educational background? If you are a particularly high conflict couple, you may wish to consider using a divorce mediator in New Jersey with a mental health background.  Or if finances are more your concern such as equitable distribution, New Jersey child support or spousal support / alimony, you may wish to consider someone with a MBA in finance such as myself.
3. Are they a full time mediator or do they do something else? You may encounter are attorneys who now call themselves mediators.  No disrespect to lawyers but good lawyers do not necessarily make good mediators as attorneys are trained advocated who’s job is to represent one of the parties whereas a divorce mediator is a neutral third party who represents neither party but advocates for both.  Therefore most attorneys have a very difficult time being good mediators.
4. Where and when did they receive their training? It is imperative that you find a divorce mediator that has been trained in the laws of your state by a reputable organization.  Here in NJ, we have the New Jersey Association of Professional Mediators (NJAPM) which offers a comprehensive training class covering all aspects of divorce mediation as well as the Institute for Continuing Legal Education so we can stay on top of all legal issues and cases as they arise.  The law is ever changing so not only is it important to ask the mediator where they received their training but also when and what classes they’ve taken recently to stay on top of their profession.
5. Are they accredited? When it comes to the top 1% of all mediators in New Jersey, you are looking for someone who is accredited.  Ask your NJ divorce mediator if they have the designation of APM – Accredited Professional Mediator.  it is the only way for you to know if your mediator has passed the rigorous review and credentialing process put forth by the NJAPM.  There is no such thing as a “certified mediator” in New Jersey so be careful.

In part two of this series, we’ll take a look at some of the interpersonal issues you should be aware of when interviewing a New Jersey divorce mediator but if you have any questions about divorce mediation or our practice, Equitable Mediation Services, please feel free to contact us as we’re always glad to help.