Dirty Tricks in Divorce Mediation: Part 1

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve seen articles in which we discuss the four major parts of divorce and mediation including: parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and the basic “rules of the road” surrounding each.  But over the next four articles I’d like to discuss some of the “dirty tricks” I’ve seen individuals use while engaging in divorce mediation in New Jersey and offer some information on what to be aware of with regard to these issues.

Today’s focus will be on that of parenting plans.  The good news is most parents can put their differences aside but what do you do when one party tries to use the children as pawns to their advantage?  Some of the tricks  I’ve seen include:

1. Trading access to the children in exchange for financial compensation – in this situation one party will tell the other party they will “allow” them to see the children more frequently if there is some sort of adjustment to the equitable distribution (e.g. give up your share of the house for access to the kids).   This is always a non-starter.  As you will see in the next article, equitable distribution (which discusses the distribution of your assets and liabilities) is an entirely separate conversation from the parenting plan.  You as a parent have equal rights to see the children (your children) as the other parent.  Remind the other party these are two separate issues and they should be treated as such.
2. Stating that having physical custody gives one party more legal rights than the other – this is one of the hardest things as a divorce mediator in NJ to explain to divorcing couples.  Just because the children live with one parent more than the other, it doesn’t mean they get to make life-altering decisions without consulting the other parent.  Even though the physical custody may be one-sided, it doesn’t mean the legal custody has to be and in most cases legal custody is joint and equal.
3. Threatening to take the children out of the country – If you haven’t seen the news story about the father who’s son is now living in South America because his ex-wife moved away and took him with her, let this be a lesson that you can never take this threat serious enough.  While moving out of state is more common, at when dealing in the US, legal proceedings can be initiated but when dealing internationally, it’s a different story.  To reduce this threat, agree to place the children’s passports in a safe deposit box at a local bank that requires both of you to be present with each of your unique keys to open. This way, you will both have to go to the bank together to get the passports.  And while yes, they could still go away with your permission and never come back, this may cut down on the “flight risk.”

For less specific issues such as general disagreement between the parties, pull out one of the only dirty tricks I condone: a photograph of your children.  It’s easy to argue over someone who isn’t in the room but I’ve seen something as small yet powerful as a photograph of that smiling face starring back at you is enough to bring even the most heated debates to a screeching halt.  And that’s a good thing.

In our next article we’ll discuss some of the issues that arise during equitable distribution and how to address and / or protect you from those.

Divorce Mediation Confidentiality

One of the benefits we as citizens of the United States enjoy as part of our legal system is that of confidentiality which comes in the form of what is commonly referred to “attorney-client privilege.”  As defined by Wikipedia:

“Attorney-client privilege is a legal concept that protects communications between a client and his or her attorney and keeps those communications confidential.  The policy underlying this privilege is that of encouraging open and honest communication between clients and attorneys, which is thought to promote obedience to law and reduce the chance of illegal behavior, whether intentional or inadvertent. As such, the attorney-client privilege is considered as one of the strongest privileges available under law.”

But since you are here on the blog of a New Jersey divorce mediator you must be wondering why are we telling you this?  Because confidentiality applies to divorce mediation in NJ too so the same privilege you would enjoy when speaking with an attorney, also applies to any conversations you have with your divorce mediator in New Jersey.   Because divorce mediation is a voluntary process and each of you are choosing to use a mediation service to work through the issues surrounding your divorce, the mediation process requires two things: (1) trust and (2) full disclosure.

On the issue of trust, because each of you is being asked to take what the other party takes at face value, it is important that you can be open and honest and providing a confidential and safe environment for these conversations to take place is invaluable to the success of the mediation process.  As for full disclosure, as your divorce mediator, I am going to be asking you for a series of sensitive documents including, but not limited to, bank statements, credit reports and tax returns and I want you to feel comfortable disclosing this information to me.  Additionally, the conversations we may have regarding your relationship may be upsetting at times and therefore I want you to know that I take the trust you’ve placed in me seriously and will not disclose the details of your personal lives to anyone outside of our office.  Of course there is one last reason confidentiality is so important to the meditation process and that is should you be one of the 1/2% of one percent of couples who are unable to mediate their divorce and end up entering the litigious world of the courts, anything you said in mediation would not be admissible in a court of law.  It is this freedom to explore options in mediation that makes it such a success as why we feel it is the smarter way to divorce.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support (alimony) and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Mediation Conversations: Alimony for Men?

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services divorce mediation blog, you’ve seen me write about the four major areas we cover in divorce mediation sessions one of which is spousal support (formerly known as alimony).  And if you’re like most of the clients we see, you’re probably thinking that spousal support (alimony) is something a husband would have to pay to an ex-wife and nine times out of ten, you would be correct.  But as times change and more women succeed in the workforce, that is not necessarily always the case as alimony is paid based on financial need, not gender which is the subject of today’s post.

Spousal support is a payment from one “ex-spouse” to another in order to attempt to equalize the parties standard of living post divorce.  The idea being that a marriage is not only an emotional partnership but an economic one as well and each partner (regardless of their status in the corporate world) contributes equally to that partnership for mutual financial gain and should share in that financial success.   And with the workforce changing and the opportunities for both genders to succeed financially, it is possible for a wife to make more than her husband and thus the husband would be the one post-divorce who would be in need of financial assistance.

Naturally the next logical question would be what is the formula for spousal support in NJ and well to be honest, there isn’t one.  Rather than an alimony formula, there are a series of 13 statutory factors which give general guidelines as to how an alimony or spousal support payment may be awarded but there is no formulaic way to calculate it.  Add to that, the confusion around what kind of alimony a person is entitled to (there are four types of alimony) and you’ve got a real mess on your hands.  I can tell you as a New Jersey divorce mediator, it gives client couple’s fits and makes it rather difficult to explain especially when child support in NJ is a calculation done with the help of a software program and churns out a very specific number while the spousal support conversation is more like “well…um…”

So what can you do?  Talk to a divorce mediator in NJ who can explain your options in further detail and help you put together an agreement that works for both of you.  Remember: this is your divorce so why would you leave it to someone else like an attorney or judge to decide?  So when you’re ready to proceed, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and explain mediation in more detail.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

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