Want to Avoid a Stressful Divorce? Mediate.

It has been said that divorce is only second in stress to the death of a loved one and so it’s no surprise that you may have difficulty managing in these tough times – especially when pursuing a divorce through an adversarial, attorney-driven process such as litigation or collaborative divorce.  But for NJ couples looking to reduce the amount of stress their divorce may bring and to maintain the peace for both their family and children, there is a better alternative and it’s called divorce mediation.  Divorce is not an easy process but with the help and guidance of a New Jersey divorce mediator not only will couples who use divorce mediation have a less stressful time going through their divorce, they will finish quicker, communicate better and in the end wind up saving themselves time and money in the process.  So why don’t more couples use divorce mediation you ask?

Good question.

Perhaps they aren’t aware of the benefits of mediation or they may think that by hiring an attorney and going through a more adversarial process such as litigating or collaborative divorce, they’re going to get something more than they could get in mediation.  I honestly don’t know but it’s simply is not true as “the law is the law” and at the end of the day, a mediated settlement is going to come out exactly the same as a litigated one.  Not to mention in the State of New Jersey, less than one half of one percent of divorces actually make it to court so why would you hire an attorney if you weren’t going to court?

Again good question.

One thing I tell my clients is that divorce mediation is a forward-looking process. That is, we aren’t concerned with the reasons why you are seeking divorce mediation services we’re only concerned with helping you resolve your issues in a peaceful and efficient manner.  You’ve probably been fighting for quite some time now if you’re now at the point where you are considering a divorce, so why prolong it and bring with it the stress that the fighting, the back and forth between attorneys and the interactions with the courts can bring? And if I didn’t mention, all that back and forth is expensive.  Very, very expensive.  Money that could be better spent on setting you up in a new residence or helping your children get through college.

I invite you to take some time to learn more about divorce mediation or if you would like to meet personally to discuss how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible and are here to help you every step of the way.

Child Support Reduction in Tough Times? Mediation Can Help.

Of all the areas we cover in mediation sessions with clients, the parenting plan and subsequent calculation of the NJ child support guidelines is by far the most important.  Already reeling from the emotional impact that divorce can bring, children are often said to be the “littlest victims of divorce” and so ensuring that at least their financial future is secure is a critical task and one we take very seriously at Equitable Mediation Services.   By using the parenting plan, your respective incomes and a series of other factors far too complex to explain in such a short article, we are able (with the help of a special software program) to calculate an appropriate amount of support for your children based on the guidelines published by the State of NJ.   And while it may seem straightforward for couples who are each earning a decent living, what happens when one of you gets laid-off and can no longer contribute your share of the child rearing expenses?  Given that you just lost your job, going to court and spending money on attorneys to get an adjustment just isn’t in your budget.  That’s where mediation can help.

For most people, mediation is a means by which they settle their differences due to their divorce and come to agreements on areas such as equitable distribution and spousal support / alimony.  But mediation can also help couples seeking to adjust their child support or other parenting related issues post divorce.  You see, mediation by its very nature is a collaborative process where two people, along with the help of caring and trained professional mediator can work together to resolve their differences in a less stressful and less adversarial way because when it comes to your children, you are still mom and dad and have no choice but to work together in order to be parents.

Known as post divorce parent coordination, this subset of divorce mediation helps parents resolve issues, including adjustments to their child support orders, after they are already divorced.  What we are seeing these days is the Parent of Alternative Residence (also known as the PAR) who is the one typically paying the child support to the Parent of Primary Residence (PPR) (for more help on what these terms means please see our “Glossary of Terms” section of our website) is either losing their job or forced to take another position at a greatly reduced rate in pay.  This in turn is causing financial hardship to the paying parent and thus they are seeking an adjustment in the amount of child support that they pay.  Rather than go to court and fight it out with their ex-spouse, more and more New Jersey couples are using post divorce parent coordination to recalculate what an acceptable amount of child support would be.  Granted, these are your children and the fact that you lost your job doesn’t necessarily mean that your support amount will automatically be reduced is something that is important to note.  But if you are amenable to working together, with a little help from a New Jersey divorce mediator, I am certain you will be able to come to an agreement that works for both of you and your children.  And really isn’t that’s what’s most important?

To learn more about post divorce parent coordination please visit our website where you will find lots of great information on parenting plan issues, child custody issues and New Jersey child support issues and contact us if we may be of further assistance.

Collaborative Divorce vs Divorce Mediation

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey, I am always looking to help couples resolve the issues surrounding their divorce in a peaceful and professional manner while saving them a significant sum of money of at least $20,000 over a typical collaborative divorce and even more if they chose to use attorneys to litigate.  As a professional mediator, I am trained to work towards a resolution, creating options and helping couples to decide for themselves what works best for each of them and their children (when applicable) so I am often perplexed when I read about the latest trend known as collaborative divorce.  It seems as if attorneys are tired of getting a bad rap (If the shoe fits, wear it I guess) and so some practitioners are taking on an approach to divorce that is neither solutions oriented nor collaborative by any stretch.

The basic concept is that you and your spouse each bring your respective attorneys to session and the four of you (well let’s be honest, really the two attorneys) sit in a room and hash it out.  And while it may sound good on the surface when your attorney sells you you on it, there are a few things that I see as troubling about this approach.

Attorneys Like to Win – it takes a certain kind of person to be a divorce attorney and like I said before, attorneys have this reputation for a reason.  By their very training, they are set up to be your advocate and your advocate only so why would they be collaborative and work with another attorney if it only meant they’d have to compromise and give up hard fought gains for their client?  It just goes again their very nature.  Great if you’re using the “Evil Corporation” not so much when your children are involved.

Attorneys are Expensive! – in this article from the Wall Street Journal from 2007, (yes two years ago) hourly rates for some attorneys were crossing into the $1,000 per hour range! You read that correctly – $1,000! Seriously? How can I get a job that pays $1,000?  Become an attorney I guess.  Add to this mix there are two of them in the room and you might be paying $2,000 per hour just for the pleasure of their company.  Oh and if you didn’t remember point #1 above, attorneys like to win so chances are good they won’t just be compromising along the way and finish early.  They’ll make sure they get every last billable hour out of you and your spouse.

It’s Your Divorce – one thing I have learned as a New Jersey divorce mediator is that given the right information and the power to make a decision, most couples will be able to settle their differences in a reasonable, rational and cost-effective manner 95% of the time.  The law is the law and no matter how clever your attorney thinks they are, some things just aren’t up for discussion.  So why pay someone to tell you all of this when you can do it yourself with just a little help from a divorce mediator?  Oh and by the way, it’s your divorce so how about you have a say in how it goes?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation, collaborative law or collaborative divorce and how mediation can benefit you, please contact us and we’ll be glad to schedule a free, no obligation consultation to show you that mediation truly is the smarter way to divorce. Or if you’re not ready yet, simply visit the Equitable Mediation Services website to read more.

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