Divorce Mediation is Collaborative Law

For couples seeking a divorce in New Jersey, there are a myriad of options that are available to you ranging from the “$299 Internet divorce special” right on up to “hire the most vicious and determined lawyer you can find and sue the pants off of your soon to be ex-spouse.”   And while these are two extremes and as we all know not your best alternatives as the extremes never are, there are a few options in the middle which by virtue of you reading this article, you are willing to consider: collaborative law (also known as a collaborative divorce) and divorce mediation.

As you probably already know, Equitable Mediation Services is a divorce mediation service with office locations throughout Northern and Central New Jersey and we started this practice because we saw personally what a litigated divorce can do to a couple and their children.   Mediation provides divorcing couples the ability to settle their issues in a confidential, peaceful and cost-effective manner with the help of a single, well trained and caring professional NJ divorce mediator.  The process is less stressful, better for your children, conducted in completely privacy and can save the average client anywhere from $20,000 to $75,000 on their divorce.  It’s no wonder that people are starting to take notice and using mediation as a means to settle their divorce in ever increasing numbers.  Why would you spend all that additional money to wind up with a settlement which at the end of the day is exactly the same as if you were to mediate?  You read that correctly: couples who use mediation to settle their divorce wind up with the exact same result as if they hired an attorney or went to court and litigated. There is no magic in the law and regardless of what your attorney tells you, they cannot magically change the law on your behalf and get you $10,000 a week in alimony if your ex-spouse makes $50,000 a year.  Just not gonna happen.  Sorry.

There are others who are noticing that mediation is the preferred way to settle a divorce too: lawyers.  It seems these days the lawyers are tired of getting cut out of the fat profits they were making on divorcing couples and have decided to get in on the action with a process they like to refer to as “collaborative law” or “collaborative divorce.”   Have you ever heard the phrase “a wolf in sheep’s clothing?”  Well that’s exactly what collaborative divorce / collaborative law is.  If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know we do our best to provide factual and accurate information to our readers in order to help them make an informed decision about the best way to proceed with their divorce and this article will be no exception.  So let me be perfectly clear: I’m not just saying mediation is the preferred alternative to settling your divorce in New Jersey just because I’m a New Jersey divorce mediator.

Collaborative law / collaborative divorce works like this.  You each hire your own attorneys to represent you and the four of you meet simultaneously to try and work out the four major areas of your divorce:

1. Parenting Plans
2. Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities
3. New Jersey Child Support
4. Spousal Support / Alimony

If you think this sounds confusing, expensive and stressful I would have to say I agree with you. Here are what I see as the issues with the above scenario:

• You are using two attorneys instead of one professional mediator: You have immediately more than doubled your costs since you are now using two professionals to help you resolve your issues instead of one.   Issues by the way, you could resolve with just a little help from a NJ divorce mediator.  Not only that, but the average hourly rate for an attorney (at least here in central New Jersey) is anywhere from 40% to 80% higher than that of a divorce mediator so in effect, you’ve really just tripled or quadrupled your costs right off the bat.
• Attorneys like to talk: I have a good friend who’s an attorney who once told me “attorney’s make their living from words”  and no truer statement could there be.  More talking, more billing – it’s as simple as that.
• Your interests may or may not be represented: Why would you go to war when all you really want to do is settle your differences fairly and equitably and with as little stress on you and your family as possible?  Attorneys want to win which is great if you got hit on the head with a giant box at the local home improvement center and broke your neck but honestly, I’ve never heard of anyone “winning” when it comes to divorce.  Who knows better what you want and need than you?
• How effective can a four-way conversation be? In the collaborative law or collaborative divorce scenario, there are four of you in the room at the same time.  Imagine the crosstalk and the side conversations that will inevitably start happening as things break down or contentious points are raised.  You’ll be so busy yelling at your ex as well as your attorney no one will know which end is up and just what you were all fighting about in the first place.

Mediation on the other hand has many positive facets.  Simply stated:

• Mediation is more cost effective: Divorce mediators are trained to look for solutions, not defend positions.  We advocate for both of you and your children rather than represent one of you which leads to more collaborative decision making by the parties.  There is no “us versus them” scenario in mediation which leads to better results in less time at a lower hourly rate allowing you to put your kids through college, not put your attorney’s kids through college.
• Mediators like to listen: I have found that it is amazing what people can do when given a safe space, a little bit of encouragement and the ability to work together to solve their problems.  I’m not busy try to prove my point, defend my client or promote my agenda.  I don’t have an agenda.
• Your interests are always represented: Who knows better what you want and need than you? No one.  What works for you in mediation is what works period.  I don’t have to judge it, approve it or have it work for me.  As long as you both think it’s fair and equitable consider it done.

Does mediation work for everyone?  No it doesn’t but it does work 95% of the time so if you’re willing to take the chance, albeit a really good one, then why not give divorce mediation a try and forget about the latest and greatest fad known as collaborative divorce / collaborative law?  Mediation has been around for thousands of years and really when you think about it, is the ultimate for of collaborative law.  It’s as simple as that.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.