One of the reasons some couples seek to use divorce mediation in New Jersey as opposed to a more contentious process such as collaborative divorce or litigation is that they are looking to maintain the peace in their home both during their divorce and after their divorce and for good reason especially when you have children.  From the book Children and Marital Conflict: the Impact of Family Dispute and Resolution, studies cited in the book have shown that the level of parental fighting during and after a divorce is a better indicator of how children will fare post-divorce than the actual change in martial status of the parents.  Maintain the peace and you have a much better chance that your children will succeed in living a normal, well-adjusted life after your divorce.  Continue to fight and those odds tip in favor of a more dysfunctional, angst-filled existence for your kids that will impact them for years to come.

As parents you do everything you can to help your children succeed.  You do homework, you drive them to sports, scouts, community activities and take them for tutoring and SAT prep when the time comes.  So why then during your divorce and when they need you the most, would you let them down and prolong the fight over your divorce?  Why would you choose to use an adversarial process such as collaborative law or litigation when the best option of divorce mediation can get you a better settlement for a fraction of the cost and safeguard your children’s well-being and future? Don’t believe me?  Here are some other findings from the book:

1. 50% of children studied who were exposed to hostility during their parents break-up exhibited behavioral problems as opposed to 8% in the general population - That’s more than six times the average.  Instead of focusing on the hostility surrounding the break-up of your marriage, shouldn’t you really choose the more peaceful alternative and use divorce mediation?
2. 66% of children surveyed described their parent’s interaction after their divorce as “angry” - In my experience as a New Jersey divorce mediator, issues arise post-divorce not so much because of the parent’s hostility towards each other anymore but rather due to the issues that crop up that were not resolved during their divorce.  A well designed parenting plan can address the issues both of you will need to be aware of in order to have a successful co-parenting arrangement moving forward and help outline in detail most every issue you’ll need to address as co-parents, avoiding conflict in the future. Something we take extra care to focus on in mediation sessions at Equitable Mediation Services.
3. Children who experience high conflict during these times are more likely to engage in vandalism, perform poorly in school and have difficulty in developing meaningful relationships in their adult lives.  At a time when your children need you the most is probably when you can be there for them the least.  But by using mediation to peacefully resolve your divorce,  you can achieve better results in less time and with less stress allowing you more time to spend with your children as you help guide them through what is certainly a tumultuous time in their lives as well.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

These days about 10% of the calls we get at Equitable Mediation Services are from divorcing couples in New Jersey who are seeking alternatives to the high cost of divorce and are considering doing it on their own.  Seeking cheap alternatives such as those found on banner ads or late night infomercials, these folks are looking for a way to separate yet still retain the assets they’ve worked so hard to acquire over the course of their life and marriage.  When these calls come in I ask them to consider this: what does “cheap divorce” really mean and more importantly, what problems are secretly lying in wait for you one, five, ten or twenty years down the road? A typical trip to court is approximately $25,000 and while that $299 do-it-yourself divorce looked great on paper, now that it’s costing you more than it would have cost to mediate and do it right, it’s not looking like a bargain now, is it?

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey I think of it as a “you can pay now or you can pay later” type scenario as I can tell you this: issues that you weren’t even thinking about at the time you filled out those quickie divorce forms will come back to bite you, I can promise you that.  But with divorce mediation, you can properly cover all aspects of your divorce and draft all the necessary paperwork to have your divorce filed with the courts for about 1/10th it would cost you to hire a lawyer and litigate and most certainly cost you less than it will to deal with whatever may come your way at some unknown point in the future.

According to Fadi Baradihi, CEO of the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysis:

“Do-it-yourself divorce is very likely to create time-bombs for couples who do not understand the legal and financial implications of the agreement they have created and signed using a kit or online service. This is where a financial professional trained in the special issues of divorce can really help.”

When you think about it, divorce is really a large financial contract as three of the four main areas of divorce are monetary in nature:

1. Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities – this section outlines the financial arrangements of marital property as well as who is responsible for marital debt and the amounts each of you will either receive or be responsible for.  Given the tax implications of certain types of assets, the liquidity or how readily available they are for split and distribution as well as the financial impact certain debt structures may have on you and your credit rating and credit worthiness, this is a conversation better left to a person who is trained in such complex financial matters.
2. New Jersey Child Support – as the name implies, this complex financial calculation will tell each of you what amount of support it will take in order to raise your children from age 0 to age 17 as well as outline how the additional expenditures not covered by the New Jersey Child Support guidelines will be handled.  Again, not a subject to take lightly as these are your children we are talking about here and their care is paramount in any divorce proceeding.
3. Spousal Support / Alimony – unlike child support, spousal support in New Jersey (formerly known as alimony) is a very vague and gray area with no hard and fast guidelines.  How do you really know if you’re going to be able to take care of yourself and if the amount of spousal support / alimony is really sufficient for your particular situation?  Again, something better left to professionals trained in this area.

The fourth area covered during mediation sessions is that of the Parenting Plan.  And while there are no real in-depth discussions regarding money during this portion of mediation, there are downstream financial implications that come with the parenting arrangements you agree to so you really do need someone who is aware of all of this.  None of this information will be contained in your Internet “do-it-yourself” divorce kit – that is for certain.

As a NJ divorce mediator with a background in law and a masters degree in Finance, I have handled such complex financial matters for more than 18 years and am familiar with the intricacies that divorce and divorce mediation require.  By working with both of you to come to agreements that are fair and equitable to each, I have the experience to help guide you through the tough conversations you’ll need to have in order to peacefully and efficiently resolve all of the issues surrounding your divorce.  Along the way I’ll provide you with the legal and financial information you need to make an informed decision and if something comes up that you’re not comfortable with or you need additional guidance, we have a team of professionals in all areas of finance and law that can assist you to get you the help you need.  So when you think about it, why take the chance on a do-it-yourself divorce when a professionally mediated divorce will wind up costing you less in the long run anyway?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.

One of the questions we often field as a New Jersey mediation service from divorcing clients is “how long will the mediation and divorce process take?”  Well the answer depends on a variety of factors but the good news is many of them are completely in your control.  From the time you start your search for a New Jersey divorce mediator right on through the final court hearing, can take on average six to seven months in New Jersey but that period of time can be shorter or longer depending on how active in the process you would like to be as well as what pace you are comfortable moving forward at.  In today’s post, we’ll take a look at a few of the factors that can lengthen or shorten that process and what your role in moving them forward can be.

Factor One: Time Between Sessions

Let’s face it: divorce is not a subject most people want to spend a lot of time talking about and so for some couples we see at Equitable Mediation Services, they need extra time between sessions to process what they are going through, take the time to carefully review their Memorandum of Understanding (or MOU) and think about how best to proceed.  Often these are folks who either came to mediation with one outcome in mind and during sessions, came to find out that what they envisioned their divorce to look like was either not possible due to financial constraints or not what the other person had in mind.  Remember: mediation is a collaborative process and therefore both parties need to agree on the MOU in order for it to move to the attorney review stage.  I can’t force either of you to agree to something you aren’t comfortable with.  It is important that you take all the time you need in order to make a well informed decisions as what you agree to now will impact you for the rest of your life so it’s best to move at a pace you are comfortable with, regardless of the pressures you may feel from your spouse or a need “to move things along.”

Factor Two: The Discovery Documentation

One of the major benefits of mediation is that you and your spouse can save at least $20,000 or more over traditional litigated divorces or even collaborative law / collaborative divorce proceedings but you have to be willing to do your homework.  One of the major areas in which you can both help is by providing the mediator your discovery documentation.  Prior to our first session, you will receive a list from me of all the items I will need to receive in order to proceed with your divorce mediation.  Once you’ve gathered these items, we will have a much better idea of what your personal situation looks like and in turn, I can give you a much better estimate as to how long your divorce mediation sessions will take.  While I tell couples that on average, you can expect to be with me for somewhere between four and six session, that will gain, all depend on how quickly you are comfortable moving and how well you and your spouse can communicate during our sessions.

Factor Three: Your Review Attorney

As a New Jersey Divorce Mediator I recommend the use of an attorney but in a very limited way during mediation to answer any questions you may have that I might not be permitted by law to answer as it would jeopardize my neutrality.   The difference between lawyers in mediated divorce versus lawyers in a collaborative law / collaborative divorce is that with mediation, you control the process and simply use them for advice, going to them if / when  you need them thus saving you time and money.  In a collaborative law / collaborative divorce, the lawyers control the pace and the outcome and you’re just kind of along for the ride.   Choosing the right review attorney upfront can save you time and money and help you move through the process more efficiently and with the legal knowledge that you’ve got an advocate on your side if ever you should need one.  Make sure when interviewing attorneys that you ask them right up front if they are “mediation friendly” as you can tell a lot about them based on their answer.  Choose one who isn’t and you’ll be looking at a long, drawn out process that can take years and cost more money that you could possibly imagine.

In Conclusion

While every situation is unique, other than how backed up the courts are at any particular time of year, these three factors come most in to play when determining how long your divorce and mediation will take.  But above all just remember this: move at a pace you are comfortable with as the decisions you make today will impact you for many years to come.  By taking your time, talking it out and using mediation to settle your divorce, you will achieve a better result, in less time, with less stress and at a fraction of the cost truly making it the smarter way to divorce.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our seven North or Central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.