Mediation Conversations: Does Divorce Add to the Dropout Rate?

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you have seen me write about both Parenting Plans and the New Jersey Child Support Guidelines as my philosophy has always been to put children first when it comes to divorce.  Sure, the law states that “children cannot become the economic victims of divorce,” but no where does it say they cannot become the emotional victims of divorce but often times, they do.  Parenting plans are all about custody, decisions making and the like but no where in the parenting plan, for example, does it say “the parties must love their children” or “the parties must not argue with each other in front of the children” as you would hope these would be “no-brainers” but sadly, that is not always the case.  Additionally, the New Jersey Child Support Guidelines provide parents with dollar figures that the State of New Jersey estimates it takes a divorced couple to raise, feed and keep a roof over their children’s head but again, no mention of love, kindness or emotional support as I’m not really sure how you put a formula on that.  While during divorce mediation, you can come up with the ideal parenting plan you both agree on 100% and double the amount of child support you each wish to pay, that still doesn’t ensure your children will come through your divorce unscathed.

In newly released results of a 20-year study conducted by the University of Florida, statistics showed that children of divorced parents had a higher dropout rate than the children of intact families but the good news is that upon closer inspection, the statistics showed that how children are impacted can be directly correlated to how the parents behaved post-divorce.  You see, not only do the children need to know that each of you love them individually, but that when all of you are in the presence of each other (say at a child’s birthday party or perhaps high school graduation) that all of you can get along reasonably well or at least be civil to one another.  After all, those occasions when both parents and the children are together, are not about you guys, it’s about the kids as it’s usually a big day.  I can’t imagine the group of you just randomly getting together for fun after the divorce although as a divorce mediator in New Jersey who wants everyone to get along, I can dream can’t I?  The better you get along, they better they do.  Case closed.

I don’t think anyone needs a survey or an expert to follow this one simple rule when it comes to children and divorce:  you are the adults they are the children. It’s as simple as that.  You need to behave in a manner befitting your status as the parent, elder or whatever other term you want to toss out there given your age and they (the kids) get to act selfish, immature and perhaps a bit reckless because guess what?  They’re kids.  They don’t know any better and they are probably pretty ticked off about what is going on between you two that of course they are going to act out.  That doesn’t mean it has to be this way.  I know, it’s easier said than done but think about it: if you really love your kids, wouldn’t you want them to know that both parents love them?  Wouldn’t you want them to have a relationship with each of you?  Wouldn’t you want them to follow your example of “turning the other cheek” instead of perpetuating the war long after the divorce is finalized?  Do you really need a study conducted by a university to tell you that?  I hope not.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Getting Prepared for Divorce through Mediation

While I am certain no one takes the decision to divorce lightly, as much as one likes to think they are prepared for a divorce or for divorce mediation, until you actually get into the thick of it, it’s really hard to say.   For many of the couples we see at Equitable Mediation Services, one of the spouses is “father down the road” in terms of making peace with the idea of divorce than the other and so they tend to be more prepared when it comes to the divorce mediation process.  But what do you do if you’re the other spouse and the idea of being divorced hasn’t really sunk in yet?  How do you prepare for what can be for many, the single most traumatic event other than the death of a loved one?  You use a mediation service and you stay the course.

For all the years I’ve been a divorce mediator in New Jersey,  the thing most people find traumatic about divorce is that it all seems so out of control.  The court dates, the documents flying back and forth and the never ending parade of letters, e-mail and phone calls from your attorney offering the latest settlement offer from “the other side.”  How did your spouse of 5, 10, 20 or even 30 years get to be “the other side?”  When did this all go wrong and how did we get to a place where we don’t even care about each other and if the other has any means by which to live?  And how about the children and their well-being?  That is what a typical divorce looks like.  But not so with divorce mediation.  Through mediation  you both control the settlement and more importantly, you both control the pace.

To state the obvious for a moment, each of us handle different situations in different ways and so some of us may be able to make a decision right away, be comfortable with it and move on to the next item on our list.  Others may need time to process something, mull it over and come back to it time and time again as part of their acceptance process.  Being ready to get a divorce is a major decision and being able to come to peace with it will have a major impact on your happiness for many years to come.  If you are angry and bitter about your divorce and feel like you got taken for a ride during the divorce proceedings, then naturally you will harbor resentment and will have a much harder time getting past your divorce than if you were to use divorce mediation and feel like you got a fair and equitable settlement and had time to reflect on it and think about it.

Our mediation sessions are specifically designed to cover a single topic per session and to keep both of you focused on the issues that matter most.  Using our three step process of discovery, discussion and documentation, we keep both of you moving forward at a pace you’re each comfortable with, making decisions as you both see fit and with solutions that work for each of you and your children, when applicable.   You each have the opportunity to review the decisions made in session as they happen so that you’re not forced to review a single 50 page document in one day and approve of it right away because the filings have to get done!  And if you’re not comfortable moving forward at this time and you need more time to reflect on what’s going on, that’s fine too.  Mediation happens on your timetable, not ours as we know it’s your divorce and you should be squarely in control.  No one likes to be rushed, especially when it comes to making major, life-changing decisions.  So if you think you can’t survive your divorce, think again.  By setting your own pace, staying focused on a single topic at a time and feeling like you’re in control, you will get through it taking it one step at a time.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Mediation Conversations: Child Support and the Unemployed

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey it is my job to help couples discuss and come to agreements on the four main areas of divorce:

1. Parenting Plans
2. Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities
3. New Jersey Child Support
4. Spousal Support (formerly known as Alimony)

and for couples who can work reasonably well together and are in a stable financial position, the process is relatively simple and straightforward.  But what happens when you aren’t in a stable financial position like many of us today?  Perhaps one of you is in danger of losing their job or worse yet, is unemployed?  How will that affect your divorce and your use of a mediation service you ask? To answer that, we need to take a look at how certain support payments are calculated and for today’s post, specifically, child support in New Jersey.

Child support in New Jersey is a relatively complicated calculation which is much too complex to go into here in much detail however one of the main inputs used is that of each parent’s income.  But in today’s economy, it is quite reasonable that one of you may be underemployed or worse yet, unemployed and so what happens if one of you doesn’t have any income or as much as you used to?  How will child support be calculated?  If you’re using a mediator to handle your divorce, the answer can be up to you.   There are two options to consider and which one you prefer depends on what you think your job prospects are.

First we can use a technique called imputing income which allows us to come to a mutually agreed upon number that an individual would be expected to make given their experience and career choice.  We then use that number as one of the inputs into the child support calculations for whichever parent is currently under or unemployed.  When faced with a situation like this, I go to the Bureau of Labor Statistics and obtain the figure and ask the parties if it seems reasonable and it usually does. We plug in the imputed salary and calculate the number.  Case closed.  But what happens if you’re in a declining field of employ or (and no one will ever admit this but let’s be realistic because we know it happens) you are discriminated against because of your age and no one wants to hire you so they offer you a laughably low salary?  What do you do then?   We work it out. Yes, there are formulas and calculations and at the end of the day no child can become an economic victim of divorce so numbers are calculated to make sure that doesn’t happen but the economic reality is that if you can’t pay, you can’t pay what is expected of you.

Call me naive but my going in supposition is that all parents want what’s best for their children and will do whatever they have to in order to support them including delivering pizzas and working at Wal-Mart, regardless of what the formula says they should pay.  So when working with a mediator, you and your spouse can come to an agreement that works for you and structure your Memorandum of Understanding to include the calculated number for child support, an interim plan for meeting the children’s financial needs and a variety of scenarios calculated at different income levels to help you understand what support will look like once you are employed and have a real salary number in your hand.  Then, as the situation changes (and the economy improves – fingers crossed) you can sit down and look at the calculated support scenarios and decide which one works best for you and your children.  No need to go back to court, file another lawsuit and go broke in the process.

I mean really, isn’t that why you came to mediation in the first place?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

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