Mediation Conversations: Does Divorce Add to the Dropout Rate?

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you have seen me write about both Parenting Plans and the New Jersey Child Support Guidelines as my philosophy has always been to put children first when it comes to divorce.  Sure, the law states that “children cannot become the economic victims of divorce,” but no where does it say they cannot become the emotional victims of divorce but often times, they do.  Parenting plans are all about custody, decisions making and the like but no where in the parenting plan, for example, does it say “the parties must love their children” or “the parties must not argue with each other in front of the children” as you would hope these would be “no-brainers” but sadly, that is not always the case.  Additionally, the New Jersey Child Support Guidelines provide parents with dollar figures that the State of New Jersey estimates it takes a divorced couple to raise, feed and keep a roof over their children’s head but again, no mention of love, kindness or emotional support as I’m not really sure how you put a formula on that.  While during divorce mediation, you can come up with the ideal parenting plan you both agree on 100% and double the amount of child support you each wish to pay, that still doesn’t ensure your children will come through your divorce unscathed.

In newly released results of a 20-year study conducted by the University of Florida, statistics showed that children of divorced parents had a higher dropout rate than the children of intact families but the good news is that upon closer inspection, the statistics showed that how children are impacted can be directly correlated to how the parents behaved post-divorce.  You see, not only do the children need to know that each of you love them individually, but that when all of you are in the presence of each other (say at a child’s birthday party or perhaps high school graduation) that all of you can get along reasonably well or at least be civil to one another.  After all, those occasions when both parents and the children are together, are not about you guys, it’s about the kids as it’s usually a big day.  I can’t imagine the group of you just randomly getting together for fun after the divorce although as a divorce mediator in New Jersey who wants everyone to get along, I can dream can’t I?  The better you get along, they better they do.  Case closed.

I don’t think anyone needs a survey or an expert to follow this one simple rule when it comes to children and divorce:  you are the adults they are the children. It’s as simple as that.  You need to behave in a manner befitting your status as the parent, elder or whatever other term you want to toss out there given your age and they (the kids) get to act selfish, immature and perhaps a bit reckless because guess what?  They’re kids.  They don’t know any better and they are probably pretty ticked off about what is going on between you two that of course they are going to act out.  That doesn’t mean it has to be this way.  I know, it’s easier said than done but think about it: if you really love your kids, wouldn’t you want them to know that both parents love them?  Wouldn’t you want them to have a relationship with each of you?  Wouldn’t you want them to follow your example of “turning the other cheek” instead of perpetuating the war long after the divorce is finalized?  Do you really need a study conducted by a university to tell you that?  I hope not.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.