Getting Prepared for Divorce through Mediation

While I am certain no one takes the decision to divorce lightly, as much as one likes to think they are prepared for a divorce or for divorce mediation, until you actually get into the thick of it, it’s really hard to say.   For many of the couples we see at Equitable Mediation Services, one of the spouses is “father down the road” in terms of making peace with the idea of divorce than the other and so they tend to be more prepared when it comes to the divorce mediation process.  But what do you do if you’re the other spouse and the idea of being divorced hasn’t really sunk in yet?  How do you prepare for what can be for many, the single most traumatic event other than the death of a loved one?  You use a mediation service and you stay the course.

For all the years I’ve been a divorce mediator in New Jersey,  the thing most people find traumatic about divorce is that it all seems so out of control.  The court dates, the documents flying back and forth and the never ending parade of letters, e-mail and phone calls from your attorney offering the latest settlement offer from “the other side.”  How did your spouse of 5, 10, 20 or even 30 years get to be “the other side?”  When did this all go wrong and how did we get to a place where we don’t even care about each other and if the other has any means by which to live?  And how about the children and their well-being?  That is what a typical divorce looks like.  But not so with divorce mediation.  Through mediation  you both control the settlement and more importantly, you both control the pace.

To state the obvious for a moment, each of us handle different situations in different ways and so some of us may be able to make a decision right away, be comfortable with it and move on to the next item on our list.  Others may need time to process something, mull it over and come back to it time and time again as part of their acceptance process.  Being ready to get a divorce is a major decision and being able to come to peace with it will have a major impact on your happiness for many years to come.  If you are angry and bitter about your divorce and feel like you got taken for a ride during the divorce proceedings, then naturally you will harbor resentment and will have a much harder time getting past your divorce than if you were to use divorce mediation and feel like you got a fair and equitable settlement and had time to reflect on it and think about it.

Our mediation sessions are specifically designed to cover a single topic per session and to keep both of you focused on the issues that matter most.  Using our three step process of discovery, discussion and documentation, we keep both of you moving forward at a pace you’re each comfortable with, making decisions as you both see fit and with solutions that work for each of you and your children, when applicable.   You each have the opportunity to review the decisions made in session as they happen so that you’re not forced to review a single 50 page document in one day and approve of it right away because the filings have to get done!  And if you’re not comfortable moving forward at this time and you need more time to reflect on what’s going on, that’s fine too.  Mediation happens on your timetable, not ours as we know it’s your divorce and you should be squarely in control.  No one likes to be rushed, especially when it comes to making major, life-changing decisions.  So if you think you can’t survive your divorce, think again.  By setting your own pace, staying focused on a single topic at a time and feeling like you’re in control, you will get through it taking it one step at a time.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.