Divorce Mediation and Parenting Plans Part 4

In this the last of the Equitable Mediation Services‘ four part series on parenting plans, we’ll take a look at the miscellaneous items that while many divorcing couples fail to discuss up front, can cause a series of headaches down the road and lead to discord and resentment as the years go on.  With all the stress and confusion a divorce can bring, the last thing on a couple’s mind are such small things but as they say, the devil is in the details.  Yes, in the scheme of things, they may not seem that important but having agreement on such items early on can lead to much less acrimony down the road and set the tone for how you interact vis a vis your children as parents since they will be the one thing that keeps you in communication for many years to come.

The first thing to consider is that of parenting styles.  Certainly each of you has different parenting styles and now that you you will be living apart, you will each have an opportunity to impart your particular style upon your children.  It is important to make sure however that you and your ex-spouse share certain basic rules in order to establish a foundation of parenting.  It will be important to avoid the “but at mom’s house she let’s me do X” or “dad let’s me stay up until 11pm, why can’t I do that here?” syndrome so establishing a few basic rules of the road can be helpful to avoid that shock as kids move back and forth from house to house.

Another item to discuss in mediation is that of money spent on or by the kids.  Children don’t always understand that the amount of money one spends on you  does not equate to how much they love you so it will be important for both of you to set a budget for how much money you are going to spend on the kids for their birthdays or major holidays and stick to it.  You don’t want to have them coming home from mom’s house telling you as the dad “mom bought me a 65 inch flat screen television and a new dirt bike and it was awesome!” while all you picked up from the store were some new socks and sweater since the budget was supposedly set at $50 for their birthday.  Speaking of birthday’s, it seems that kids these days get invited to all sorts of birthday parties.  Let’s say you have two kids and they each get invited to two parties per month.  Not an unreasonable amount.  That’s 4 gifts you have to buy and figuring you’re going to spend $20 per gift, that’s $80 a month or nearly $1000 per year on simple birthday gifts!  Who pays for this?  Usually the PPR (parent of primary residence) but is that fair?  Is that amount being included in your New Jersey Child Support calculation?  Probably not.  Yet that is an added expense that over the years can really add up and if you’re the one always paying it, I’m betting you’re going to be pretty annoyed as the years go by so it’s best to talk about how these things are going to be handled up front.

The last one I’ll leave you with is the ever popular allowance.  Sure your kids may be too young to get one as of now but as the years go by and they are continually going to the “First National Bank of Dad” for $20 at a time, those payout will really add up.  And while I hope you and your ex find yourselves in a position where you can hand out $20 bills like candy to trick or treaters on Halloween, chances are good for the first few years it’s not going to be that easy and thus, you’re going to want to talk about this.  Yes, some of these figures are included in your New Jersey Child Support amounts for discretionary spending but with the cost of things these days, it seems like those monthly payments don’t go as far as they used to so be sure to discuss it up front and set limits. By following these simple steps and setting some basic rules and expectations up front, I can promise you, it will make for a much smoother ride down the road because honestly, parenting is hard enough without the added stress a divorce can bring.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.