In this the last of the Equitable Mediation Services‘ four part series on parenting plans, we’ll take a look at the miscellaneous items that while many divorcing couples fail to discuss up front, can cause a series of headaches down the road and lead to discord and resentment as the years go on.  With all the stress and confusion a divorce can bring, the last thing on a couple’s mind are such small things but as they say, the devil is in the details.  Yes, in the scheme of things, they may not seem that important but having agreement on such items early on can lead to much less acrimony down the road and set the tone for how you interact vis a vis your children as parents since they will be the one thing that keeps you in communication for many years to come.

The first thing to consider is that of parenting styles.  Certainly each of you has different parenting styles and now that you you will be living apart, you will each have an opportunity to impart your particular style upon your children.  It is important to make sure however that you and your ex-spouse share certain basic rules in order to establish a foundation of parenting.  It will be important to avoid the “but at mom’s house she let’s me do X” or “dad let’s me stay up until 11pm, why can’t I do that here?” syndrome so establishing a few basic rules of the road can be helpful to avoid that shock as kids move back and forth from house to house.

Another item to discuss in mediation is that of money spent on or by the kids.  Children don’t always understand that the amount of money one spends on you  does not equate to how much they love you so it will be important for both of you to set a budget for how much money you are going to spend on the kids for their birthdays or major holidays and stick to it.  You don’t want to have them coming home from mom’s house telling you as the dad “mom bought me a 65 inch flat screen television and a new dirt bike and it was awesome!” while all you picked up from the store were some new socks and sweater since the budget was supposedly set at $50 for their birthday.  Speaking of birthday’s, it seems that kids these days get invited to all sorts of birthday parties.  Let’s say you have two kids and they each get invited to two parties per month.  Not an unreasonable amount.  That’s 4 gifts you have to buy and figuring you’re going to spend $20 per gift, that’s $80 a month or nearly $1000 per year on simple birthday gifts!  Who pays for this?  Usually the PPR (parent of primary residence) but is that fair?  Is that amount being included in your New Jersey Child Support calculation?  Probably not.  Yet that is an added expense that over the years can really add up and if you’re the one always paying it, I’m betting you’re going to be pretty annoyed as the years go by so it’s best to talk about how these things are going to be handled up front.

The last one I’ll leave you with is the ever popular allowance.  Sure your kids may be too young to get one as of now but as the years go by and they are continually going to the “First National Bank of Dad” for $20 at a time, those payout will really add up.  And while I hope you and your ex find yourselves in a position where you can hand out $20 bills like candy to trick or treaters on Halloween, chances are good for the first few years it’s not going to be that easy and thus, you’re going to want to talk about this.  Yes, some of these figures are included in your New Jersey Child Support amounts for discretionary spending but with the cost of things these days, it seems like those monthly payments don’t go as far as they used to so be sure to discuss it up front and set limits. By following these simple steps and setting some basic rules and expectations up front, I can promise you, it will make for a much smoother ride down the road because honestly, parenting is hard enough without the added stress a divorce can bring.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

For those of you reading the Equitable Mediation Services blog last week, you’ve seen that we are putting our focus squarely on parenting plans and divorce mediation and are outlining what makes for a good parenting plan.  In today’s post we’re going to cover a bit more about the legal issues surrounding parenting plans as they can be as important (if not more important) than the physical issues.  On top of that, there seem to be some misconceptions about what exactly is legal custody and what rights a parent has vis a vis their child.  When it comes to legal custody and the parenting plan, it is important to recognize that physical custody and legal custody are two entirely different things.  Yes, they are related to the same child or children that we’re talking about in mediation but when it comes to making decisions on issues of physical custody, it does not necessarily impact issues of legal custody.

One of the most common misconceptions I hear as a New Jersey divorce mediator is that a parent feels because they have physical custody of a child, they also have 100% of the legal custody for that same child. In their opinion, they are entitled to make all of the decisions for the child with regard to the legal issues surrounding parenting.  These decisions include, but are not limited to:

1. Medical decisions regarding the health of a child; and
2. Educational decisions regarding the needs of a child; and
3. Religion of the child; and
4. Changing the child’s name; and
5. Moving the child out of state.

Just because one of you has the child living with you more than the other parent, it does not mean, unless it was previously agreed to in mediation, that you have any more legal rights to make decisions on behalf of that child than the other parent.  As you’ve seen me write before, even though you are no longer husband and wife, you are still mom and dad and with that comes certain rights and privileges.  You are expected and entitled to participate in that child’s life actively and equally and with that, comes the authority to make decisions jointly on behalf of that child. Your child. No amount of physical custody can take those rights away from you, unless of course it was agreed to during your divorce proceedings in which case you’d need to speak with your attorney about what your rights are.

With medical decisions, you’ll want to give some thought to what happens in both emergency and non-emergency situations.  There’s a big difference between needing a blood transfusion and going to the doctor for a cold.  Then there’s education and what support your child may need moving forward.  Do they need a tutor?  Who will pay for that?  How about college? Do you children participate in religious services and/or classes such as CCD or Hebrew School and do those activities have a fee?  Or are you an inter-faith couple and have yet to make the decision what religion to raise your child in?  Better start thinking about it.  How about the child’s last name.  Do you have strong thoughts about going back to your maiden name and changing the child’s name to match along with yours?  And then the big one: moving out of state.  Hey, we live in New Jersey and getting divorced in New Jersey means in a matter of one hour, you can be living in either New York or Pennsylvania so forgetting to discuss moving out of state is a major mistaken given our proximity to two other states.

Scared you yet?  Well, while it is true that there is a lot to know and think about, that is why you need the help of a NJ divorce mediator like me.  So take a deep breath and know that if you choose to use a divorce mediation service in New Jersey make sure you choose one who has the know-how and experience to cover each and every one of these issue thoughtfully, thoroughly and above all, with the best interest of your child in mind.

In our next post we’ll discuss some of the other miscellaneous issues that surround parenting plans and while these are not issues as major as say physical or legal one, they can trip up couples who choose not to discuss them upfront so taking the time to do so can save lots of headaches down the road.  However in the meantime should you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

In the last post on the Equitable Mediation Services blog, we were discussing the topic of parenting plans and how they are a detailed description of how each of you will interact with the children and the decisions you will make on behalf of the children while you are going through your divorce as well as after you are divorced.  We talked about the two sets of decisions that must be made during the parenting plan discussion which are decisions on the issues of physical custody and decisions on the issues of legal custody and in today’s post, we will discuss in more detail, the issues of physical custody which in today’s modern world have become quite detailed plans unto themselves as often both parents are working and coordinating schedules is quite a challenge to say the least.

When discussing issues of physical custody, there are four main areas we look to consider:

1. Who will maintain the primary residence for the child(ren); and
2. What is the pattern of time each of you spend with the child(ren) during an ordinary week; and
3. What does the pattern of holidays, vacations and other days off look like and where and with whom will the child(ren) spend those days; and
4. How will the child(ren) get from place to place when spending that time with each of you?

Certainly your lives are hectic enough as a married couple so what exactly is your life going to look like when you are divorced you ask?  Much different than it is now, I can promise you and that in my experience as a New Jersey divorce mediator is something many divorcing couples have trouble coming to terms with.  Being a single parent is no easy task but it can be accomplished quite effectively with the right kind of parenting plan and a lot of communication between you and your ex.  However, the single biggest success factor is you willingness to put your children above all else.

The first thing I emphasize to all of my divorce mediation clients is that your schedule as you know it will most certainly change.  When you used to go to the gym on the way home, you are now going to have to coordinate schedules to ensure that one of you is watching the children.  When you used to be able to make plans at the last minute as to who was going to drive little Johnny and Suzie to soccer and dance class, you will now have to plan this well in advance.  The pattern will become even more important to both you and your children so you can maintain the schedule and they can maintain their sense of normalcy during this whole time.

The second thing I emphasize is residential proximity. This in my opinion is the single greatest factor (besides the ability to communicate) in determining your success as parents after you are divorced.   It is in the children’s best interest to see both of you as much as possible and if one of you lives far away, that is not going to happen. Not to mention the burden of maintaining the children’s schedule will fall squarely on one of you.  When deciding where to live, especially in New Jersey, what seems like it should be close, can really be an hour away.  Ever drive on Route 1 in Woodbridge during rush hour?  How about Route 18 through East Brunswick or Route 70 in Cherry Hill?  Good luck to you if you’re on 287 South coming from basically Morristown to Bridgewater and then again from Piscataway to Perth Amboy!  What should be a 10 minute trip can take an hour even though you’re only going 11 miles.

Then there is the issue of the exceptions: holidays, school holidays and vacations.  Certainly you are used to doing certain traditional things as “a family” on certain holidays but that too will have to change. Last is the issue of the all important coordination.  With kids running in all directions these days (and you too by the way) making sure one of you isn’t the taxi service will also be important to your mental health.  Before when you could call the other parent and tell them you were running late, now you will have to make sure you are free for when the parenting plans says you are “on duty.”  All considerations to making sure your plan is both realistic and can be executed for the benefit of the children.

Why is all of this important to address first?  You see all of these decisions can impact the well being of your children as providing for them a stable schedule and the ability to see each of you as much as possible will (hopefully) minimize the impact your divorce had on them.  Also as a downstream consideration, the New Jersey child support calculations use physical custody as one of the factors in calculating support amounts.  While this is much too complex a topic to get into here, suffice to say it’s something we take extra care to discuss during mediation sessions to make sure we have the right balance for both you and the children.

In our next post, we’ll talk more about parenting plans and the issues of legal custody when it comes to raising the children and how the physical custody issues impact the legal aspect ofyour parenting plan.  However if in the meantime  you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.