Mediation is an Exercise in Trust

Regular readers of my blog have seen me write about high conflict couples and how they may be unable to take advantage of the benefits of mediation but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe that isn’t the case.  Maybe they should try mediation and instead of focusing on it as the more peaceful and cost-effective way to settle their divorce that it is, view it as an exercise in trust that they can build on to have a better relationship for their children moving forward.  The reason I bring this is up is lately I’ve been seeing more and more couples is dire financial straights and naturally their concern is “how am I going to live after the divorce is final?”  Good question as running two households is certainly more expensive that running one and so it’s not one that is easily answered.  But it doesn’t mean it can go unanswered since once your divorce is finalized, you are now two separate entities and need to make due on your own (and with what you received in your settlement, of course.)  In order to get to that answer, you need to do some sharing and some thinking and be willing to consider all possibilities of what your settlement might look like, not just the one you have in your head.  However in order to create those possibilities, we’ll need to know a lot more about you and that’s where the trust comes in.

One thing that often comes up in mediation sessions (and this happens even with lower conflict couples) is the willingness to openly share information for fear that it will be used against them at some future point in time.  As I tell all my clients, mediation is a voluntary process and requires full disclosure so when I ask for something be it a financial statement to develop options to an equitable distribution question or pay stubs to verify income for the calculation of New Jersey Child Support or for discussions surrounding Spousal Support / Alimony, I tell everyone you have to trust the process and your soon to be ex-spouse and have the open and honest conversations that will lead to a settlement that works for both of you and your children when applicable.  By withholding information from each other, trust is not established and neither party is going to be willing to offer a compromise if they don’t know what the “other side” has, wants or needs.

However by openly sharing their assets and liabilities and painting a more complete picture of their personal situation, most times (granted not every time but most) both parties can come to a fair and equitable memorandum of understanding which really at the end of the day, is all you can ask for.  It may not be perfect nor will either party get everything they want but if each side can see that (a) they are each mediating in good faith and (b) genuinely trying to work out a settlement believe me the process will go a lot smoother and you will wind up with a far better result in less time than if you were to drag it through the courts and litigate it.  Not to mention all the money you would both spend allowing the courts to decide you future.  Not my idea of a great way to settle your divorce and I’m pretty sure you’d agree.

Call me naive but even in divorce I see the good in people.  Here are two people in an extremely unfortunate situation (to put it lightly) that I am certain neither of them thought they would find themselves in on their wedding day.  I believe they want to do what’s right and when I see two people mediating in good faith and trying to the right thing, whatever they deem that to be, I know that to be the case.  By trusting each other and the process and trying to work things out even at the end I believe that mediation can work for most everyone if you’re just willing to trust which even if it doesn’t work out 100% to your liking is much better than the alternative.

Trust me.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Don’t Have Time to Divorce? Try Mediation.

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey I can tell you that the last place most people want to be is sitting across from me discussing their divorce and well, I don’t take it personally because quite frankly I wouldn’t want to be here either.  So it always fascinates me when I read a story about people splashing their divorce all over the front pages of the headlines or dragging their soon to be ex-spouse through divorce court.  Whenever I see this I think to myself  “do they really enjoy the divorce process?  Are they getting so much happiness and satisfaction out of their divorce that they want to keep it going for as long as possible?”  I also think they must be independently wealthy since from what I’ve read in the Wall Street Journal divorce isn’t cheap.  On average $78,000 “not cheap.”   But above all of that I think “do these people really have all this time in the world to do nothing but go to court, speak with the lawyers, fill out paperwork, etc.?’ Don’t they have anything better to do?

Well if you’re like me, you’d probably rather be doing pretty much anything expect going through a divorce and so allow me to tell you all about divorce mediation.  Don’t have time you say?  Well then, please visit our website when you have the chance and I’ll let you go on your way…  Still with me?  Good.  While I won’t get into all the details in just this post as I would rather have you both come in for a free consultation, suffice to say you can work through all of your issues in as little as four sessions, have an agreement in hand and be on your way in a matter or weeks rather than the months or years that is typical with attorney-driven divorces.

Why argue when you know what each of you wants and all you need is someone to help you draft it all out into a Memorandum of Understanding?  Why spend countless hours on the phone with your attorney arguing over matters that are unimportant in the scheme of things and taking up your valuable time in the process?  With mediation we respect your time and realize that being with us is the last place you want to be so we use our time in session to ask the questions and have the conversations that will allow us to put together your agreements while you’re back in your life – not sitting in front of us.  We give you drafts as we go so you can review your progress as we are making it, allowing you to understand your decisions and how they build on each other not to mention giving you time to reflect on matters that will have a great impact on each of you for the rest of your lives.  Nothing like making a hurry-up decision under pressure only to think to yourself a day later “why did I agree to that?!”  But let me make one last point perfectly clear: mediation is not a rush, rush type of experience either.  Because mediation is a more streamlined and collaborate process than litigation it more efficient and therefore cost-effective.  Same results as using attorneys without all the stress, time and expense.

Want to know more?  If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Can Mediation Lead to a Happy Divorce?

One thing I love about the Internet is the ability to be informed on just about any topic by putting together a Google Alert and letting it pop up in your Inbox once a day with stories of relevance to you.  The subjects can range (in my case) from divorce mediation services to parenting plans to child support and all mediation issues in between but I’m sure if you wanted to. they could cover hobbies, sporting events or a host of other topics.   Today I received an interesting alert with a short article from a woman in California who gave her three secrets to a happy divorce.  You’re probably thinking “happy divorce?”  Yes, I’ll admit it, I thought that too and I’m a divorce mediator in New Jersey!

In it she explained how she has learned to become more patient, flexible and tolerant of the differing parenting styles between she and her ex-spouse (a common source of contention) and that during it all, she learned a lot about herself and how to act more like an adult (one example: type that e-mail but don’t hit send right away) and not argue in front of the kids (an excellent idea if I ever heard one but easier said than done).

One of her tips for a happy divorce was hire a mediator and I couldn’t agree more. By focusing on the solutions instead of the problems and by looking forward instead of back, a New Jersey divorce mediator can help you work through the issues both legal and emotional and draft an agreement that works for both of you and your children.  And while I can’t say at the end of the process you’ll be jumping for joy and celebrating your divorce, I can tell you that couples who use a mediator get better results in less time and for far less money than those who pursue a more traditional route of hiring a lawyer and litigating.  And that’s something anyone can be happy about.

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If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

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