Let’s face it – divorce can be a nasty business with each party doing their best to undermine the others efforts at a fair and equitable settlement, using every advantage they have in order to “win.”  And when I say win, I really mean lose because honestly, I’ve never heard of anyone declaring the destruction of their family and financial ruin of their lifestyle a “win” but I guess there could be those who disagree with me.  What do I know I’m just a divorce mediator in New Jersey but then again you’d be surprised at how much I know, actually.

While we at Equitable Mediation Services handle each case like the unique situation it is, when it comes to power imbalances they come in two main flavors:

1. Knowledge imbalance
2. Verbal Imbalance

And of course, there can always be a combination of the two.

With a knowledge imbalance, you’ve got one party who handled all the transactions of a certain kind such as paid the household bills or handled the couple’s retirement investments.  Feelings of the disadvantaged party can include:

• Shame – “how could I be so stupid to not pay attention and now here I find myself in this situation.”
• Nervousness – “my spouse handled all the bills and now how am I going to take care of myself?”
• Anger – “you’ve been trying to control me the entire time we we’re married!”

Then there is the verbal imbalance.  This comes when during our mediation sessions, I ask one party a question and the other one answers it on their behalf.  I often find this to be the more difficult of the two to overcome as with a knowledge imbalance, we can use our network of professionals who specialize in areas such as finance, accounting, investing, law and mental health to help those who are at a disadvantage overcome them and get back to “even ground.”  And while I’m not a mental health professional myself, with a verbal imbalance, it’s usually a result of years of this type of behavior where one party’s sense of self is shattered and being verbally run over by their spouse is a common occurrence and one they might not even notice.

In these situation, it is my job as your mediator to ensure that these power imbalances are recognized, addressed and offset through the mediation process.  How do we do this?  A few ways:

1. As previously mentioned, our network of professionals come with years of experience in a variety of subject areas.  Need to see if you can afford to buy your spouse out of the marital home?  We have professionals who specialize in divorce refinancing of mortgages.
2. Need to invest the money you’ll be receiving as part of your equitable distribution of marital assets?  We have both licensed investment brokers as well as certified divorce financial planners.
3. Need to get a term-life insurance policy on your soon to be ex-spouse to ensure that you and your children’s financial future is taken care of should something unfortunate happen to former husband / wife?  We have people who specialize in divorce life insurance too.
4. Need to speak to someone about your children and their increasingly aggressive behavior since they heard the news that you are getting divorce?  Count on us for a quality referral to a licensed mental health practitioner.

You see the one thing I’ve learned in all the years I’ve been doing this, is that power imbalances come in all shapes and sizes and while as a divorce mediator in New Jersey I know the law surrounding divorce and am able to recognize a power imbalance when I see one and know what type of help my client needs, I am also smart enough to know that it’s not always me who can help them.  By bringing in an expert in the field, we achieve better results through a collaborative process by getting folks to provide you the help you need to move on with your life because at the end of the divorce mediation process, you’re going to need to be able to be “OK” on your own.  Not great, not jumping for joy but “OK.”  And with a little help, I am certain you will be able to do that in time…

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

For many folks going through a divorce , I am certain insurance is the last thing they think of but as their New Jersey divorce mediator I say: think again.  For regular readers of this blog, you know that divorce mediation in New Jersey covers four major areas:

1. The parenting plan;
2. Equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities;
3. New Jersey child support; and
4. Spousal support (formerly known as alimony)

But if you read this list closely, no where does it say insurance.  So why is insurance so important you ask?

If you’re like most of us here in New Jersey, the high cost of living is already pushing you to the limit.  Between property taxes, food, transportation and housing costs, living here can be a real drain on anyone’s budget.  Now you’re getting a divorce and suddenly your expenses have shot up.  No longer can you enjoy the benefits of co-habitation from a financial perspective as each of you will now be responsible for your own Internet connection, your own car insurance (ever try to insure a car in New Jersey?  You need a home equity loan to do it), your own utilities, housing etc.  Your costs have in effect nearly doubled because you are no longer sharing a residence with someone else who can also help share in the costs associated with living.  Sure there is child support in New Jersey and spousal support / alimony for those who can agree to such an arrangement but what happens at the end of the day when the payor is no longer of this Earth? Will these payments that you need to live on come from beyond the grave or are you one of the lucky ones who happens to be independently wealthy and is not in need of child support or alimony?

If you’re like 99.9% of divorcing couples in New Jersey, you need to be prepared for what may unexpectedly come.  That’s why insurance should be a vital part of your divorce mediation conversation and be specifically outlined in your Memorandum of Understanding (or MOU).  For some, insurance can seem like yet another unnecessary expense in the cost of divorce when in fact, it can save you a lot of heartache and strain in the years to come should you ever need it.  There are two types of insurance we talk about with clients of Equitable Mediation Services and they are disability insurance and life insurance. Each of these insurance types serves a different purposes but both in my humble opinion are equally important.  I know usually as a NJ divorce mediator I don’t get an opinion but this time, I’m going to share mine with you.

The first, disability insurance, is specifically designed to cover you should you ever get injured and be unable to work.  This type of insurance will provide an income stream for you that you can use to make your support payments such as child support or spousal support and make sure that your children or ex-spouse never goes without should be unable to provide.  Now I know what you’re thinking “this is great Joe, I already have this through my employer so I’m all set.” Think again.  Check your benefit amount and see what percentage of your salary it pays.  Is it 40%, 60% or if you’re lucky 100%?  Remember: it’s going to be more expensive to live apart that it was together and you will not have anyone helping pay your bills if all of your money has to go for child support or spousal support / alimony.  Another thing to keep in mind is that if your MOU does not mandate that you each have disability insurance and one of you gets laid off, there goes the employer insurance benefit.  With unemployment rates approaching 10%, will you be one of the 1 in 10 that has no employer sponsored disability insurance?  Maybe you are already unemployed and this may be yet another cost for you to carry but think it through carefully.  Are you in a high risk occupation that may increase your chances of being injured on the job and being unable to provide for your children or ex-spouse or have a health condition which may do the same?

Which brings us to the second type: life insurance.  Now I know what you’re thinking on this one.  “I am going to leave all my stuff to my kids anyway so if I should die, they’ll inherit my estate and they’ll be taken care of so no worries here.”  Think again.  Let’s just say you get remarried and by some very strange, slim chance, your new spouse did not happen to be as in love with your children as you are.  You pass on and now there is a battle for your estate which gets tied up in courts because you either didn’t write a will or your will was unclear or out of date.  The estate is depleted by the lawyers and justice system and your children are left with no money to either receive their New Jersey child support or pay their college tuition that was promised to them.  Now what?  I’m not really sure but I wouldn’t want to be embroiled in this legal battle which if you read the papers, you know happens every day.

So what should take away from all of this?  Involve an insurance professional in your divorce mediation from the start.  With some careful planning and honest discussions during your divorce mediation sessions, you can both plan a future that ensures no one becomes an economic victim of divorce.  If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Today I read an interesting article from the Arizona East Valley Tribune about how the Arizona legislature is considering making fault a factor in divorce in the state and thought to myself this is insane.  Forgive me for a moment as I understand my role as a divorce mediator in New Jersey is to be a neutral third party that has no opinion on anything but when I saw this I felt I had to break out of my role and share.   It seems the legislature is considering allowing judges in divorce cases to use various faults to weigh into their decision on what child support and spousal support / alimony awards would look like.   Granted this is being considered in Arizona where perhaps the same statutes that apply here in New Jersey on the equitable distribution of marital assets and liabilities do not apply, but I’m having a difficult time thinking as a divorce mediator how allowing fault to be a factor would result in a “fair and equitable” settlement.

Are there egregious cases where perhaps fault could apply such a domestic violence cases or infidelity?  Perhaps but that to me is a slippery slope.  If the whole idea of using a divorce mediation service is to get out of a bad marriage and move forward with your life, I guess my thought is that as painful as it might be, you need to put the past where it belongs and recognize that moving on with your life isn’t worth the pain that looking back might cause.

Now I’m sure there are those who say “wait a minute what about a case where one spouse cheated on another and the spouse that got cheated on had to pay support?”  Perhaps those would be one of my exceptions but what the Arizona legislature is proposing seems to be pretty much open-ended allowing any factor be it recent or say ten years old come into play.  Not to mention there are no proposed definitions of what constitutes fault.  Is not doing the dishes one night after a dinner party 5 years ago something one could bring up as an issue of fault in a divorce proceeding?  The way the law is being proposed right now in Arizona, it very well could be and forgive me but I don’t think that’s fair and equitable but I guess that’s why I’m a mediator and not a legislator.

As you’ve seen me say before, mediation allows each of you come to an agreement that works for you (and your children when applicable) that rises to your standard of what is considered fair and equitable.  In all of my years doing this job I can tell you that 99% of the time people wind up doing the fair and equitable thing in their collective opinion.  Yes it may take them some time to get there but most of the time, in fact, nearly all of the time, they get there as much as it would have seemed they would not have when we first started mediation.  But notice I didn’t say “the right thing” or “what I though was fair and equitable” as it’s not up to me to say what’s fair to them or not.  Sure as a NJ divorce mediator I need to keep an eye on the proceedings to make sure one party doesn’t take advantage of a power imbalance between the parties, be it financial or emotional, but if the parties agree and they are both of sound mind and body, then who am I to judge?

I leave that to the women and men in the black robes.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.