Mediation is an Exercise in Trust

Regular readers of my blog have seen me write about high conflict couples and how they may be unable to take advantage of the benefits of mediation but lately I’ve been thinking that maybe that isn’t the case.  Maybe they should try mediation and instead of focusing on it as the more peaceful and cost-effective way to settle their divorce that it is, view it as an exercise in trust that they can build on to have a better relationship for their children moving forward.  The reason I bring this is up is lately I’ve been seeing more and more couples is dire financial straights and naturally their concern is “how am I going to live after the divorce is final?”  Good question as running two households is certainly more expensive that running one and so it’s not one that is easily answered.  But it doesn’t mean it can go unanswered since once your divorce is finalized, you are now two separate entities and need to make due on your own (and with what you received in your settlement, of course.)  In order to get to that answer, you need to do some sharing and some thinking and be willing to consider all possibilities of what your settlement might look like, not just the one you have in your head.  However in order to create those possibilities, we’ll need to know a lot more about you and that’s where the trust comes in.

One thing that often comes up in mediation sessions (and this happens even with lower conflict couples) is the willingness to openly share information for fear that it will be used against them at some future point in time.  As I tell all my clients, mediation is a voluntary process and requires full disclosure so when I ask for something be it a financial statement to develop options to an equitable distribution question or pay stubs to verify income for the calculation of New Jersey Child Support or for discussions surrounding Spousal Support / Alimony, I tell everyone you have to trust the process and your soon to be ex-spouse and have the open and honest conversations that will lead to a settlement that works for both of you and your children when applicable.  By withholding information from each other, trust is not established and neither party is going to be willing to offer a compromise if they don’t know what the “other side” has, wants or needs.

However by openly sharing their assets and liabilities and painting a more complete picture of their personal situation, most times (granted not every time but most) both parties can come to a fair and equitable memorandum of understanding which really at the end of the day, is all you can ask for.  It may not be perfect nor will either party get everything they want but if each side can see that (a) they are each mediating in good faith and (b) genuinely trying to work out a settlement believe me the process will go a lot smoother and you will wind up with a far better result in less time than if you were to drag it through the courts and litigate it.  Not to mention all the money you would both spend allowing the courts to decide you future.  Not my idea of a great way to settle your divorce and I’m pretty sure you’d agree.

Call me naive but even in divorce I see the good in people.  Here are two people in an extremely unfortunate situation (to put it lightly) that I am certain neither of them thought they would find themselves in on their wedding day.  I believe they want to do what’s right and when I see two people mediating in good faith and trying to the right thing, whatever they deem that to be, I know that to be the case.  By trusting each other and the process and trying to work things out even at the end I believe that mediation can work for most everyone if you’re just willing to trust which even if it doesn’t work out 100% to your liking is much better than the alternative.

Trust me.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.