Leveling the Power Imbalance through Mediation

Let’s face it – divorce can be a nasty business with each party doing their best to undermine the others efforts at a fair and equitable settlement, using every advantage they have in order to “win.” And when I say win, I really mean lose because honestly, I’ve never heard of anyone declaring the destruction of their family and financial ruin of their lifestyle a “win” but I guess there could be those who disagree with me. What do I know I’m just a divorce mediator in New Jersey but then again you’d be surprised at how much I know, actually.

While we at Equitable Mediation Services handle each case like the unique situation it is, when it comes to power imbalances they come in two main flavors:

Knowledge imbalance
Verbal Imbalance

And of course, there can always be a combination of the two.

With a knowledge imbalance, you’ve got one party who handled all the transactions of a certain kind such as paid the household bills or handled the couple’s retirement investments. Feelings of the disadvantaged party can include:

Shame – “how could I be so stupid to not pay attention and now here I find myself in this situation.”
Nervousness – “my spouse handled all the bills and now how am I going to take care of myself?”
Anger – “you’ve been trying to control me the entire time we we’re married!”

Then there is the verbal imbalance. This comes when during our mediation sessions, I ask one party a question and the other one answers it on their behalf. I often find this to be the more difficult of the two to overcome as with a knowledge imbalance, we can use our network of professionals who specialize in areas such as finance, accounting, investing, law and mental health to help those who are at a disadvantage overcome them and get back to “even ground.” And while I’m not a mental health professional myself, with a verbal imbalance, it’s usually a result of years of this type of behavior where one party’s sense of self is shattered and being verbally run over by their spouse is a common occurrence and one they might not even notice.

In these situation, it is my job as your mediator to ensure that these power imbalances are recognized, addressed and offset through the mediation process. How do we do this? A few ways:

As previously mentioned, our network of professionals come with years of experience in a variety of subject areas. Need to see if you can afford to buy your spouse out of the marital home? We have professionals who specialize in divorce refinancing of mortgages.
Need to invest the money you’ll be receiving as part of your equitable distribution of marital assets? We have both licensed investment brokers as well as certified divorce financial planners.
Need to get a term-life insurance policy on your soon to be ex-spouse to ensure that you and your children’s financial future is taken care of should something unfortunate happen to former husband / wife? We have people who specialize in divorce life insurance too.
Need to speak to someone about your children and their increasingly aggressive behavior since they heard the news that you are getting divorce? Count on us for a quality referral to a licensed mental health practitioner.

You see the one thing I’ve learned in all the years I’ve been doing this, is that power imbalances come in all shapes and sizes and while as a divorce mediator in New Jersey I know the law surrounding divorce and am able to recognize a power imbalance when I see one and know what type of help my client needs, I am also smart enough to know that it’s not always me who can help them. By bringing in an expert in the field, we achieve better results through a collaborative process by getting folks to provide you the help you need to move on with your life because at the end of the divorce mediation process, you’re going to need to be able to be “OK” on your own. Not great, not jumping for joy but “OK.” And with a little help, I am certain you will be able to do that in time…

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you. Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready. We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.