How to Cope with your Parent’s Divorce

Normally as a NJ divorce mediator, I blog about items of interest to couples seeking divorce mediation services in New Jersey or elsewhere and tend to write postings aimed at divorcing couples.  Today I’d like to change all that and share with you an interesting article I read by Rachel Shields in The Independent regarding how to cope as a child with your parents divorce.  And while it doesn’t matter is your 5 or 25 when your parents get divorced, it always seems to put you square in the middle even if you don’t want to be.  The article gave four tips for coping but what really struck me is that each of them centered around dealing with the acrimony that can still remain long after couples are divorced.  For regular readers of my blog, you know that I am a big proponent of the benefits of mediation and this article is one of the reasons why.

Part of getting a divorce is dealing with the residual anger that often accompanies being torn apart.  Hurt feelings can linger long after the final divorce decree has been filed with the courts.  But why?  What happened that someone never got past all of this and will now let it overshadow their relationship with their adult children?  In one example, the author speaks of the “Wedding Day” scenario with still dueling parents.  I mean really, it’s my wedding day and I have to worry about who to sit next to whom?  You are my mom and you are my dad and I would like you to be there for me, not to have to deal with your squabbling 25 years down the road.  Your marriage status may have changed but your role as my parents did not, no matter what the courts say.

One of the ways we manage this in divorce mediation is to recognize the myriad of feelings that accompany divorce and encourage divorcing couples to work with outside mental health professionals who can help them.  For high conflict cases, I even recommend my mediation clients go see a marriage counselor.  You must be thinking I’m crazy but my thought is that one of the reasons you wound up in front of a divorce mediator is that your communication skills probably weren’t all that great when you were married.  And now that you don’t have the covenant of marriage to encourage you to be better communicators, you’re going to need to learn some skills because chances are, when it comes to raising your kids, you’ll both still have a lot of years ahead of you where you will be interacting on their behalf.

And seriously. you don’t want to ruin their wedding, do you?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.