Divorce Mediation Can Make the Complex, Simple

Perhaps it’s the portrayal of divorce in the media or the stories we hear about celebrity divorces and how they fight over what seem to be inane things gives divorce its reputation as being a nasty business.  I can tell you as a divorce mediator in New Jersey most of the couples I see using our mediation services aren’t looking to make a circus out of their split but rather get through things relatively peacefully and amicably so I often wonder: does divorce have to be that hard?  Do the people who have these knock down, drag out divorce proceedings know about divorce mediation and if not, why? Do they not realize that at the end of the day it all boils down to just four things: Parenting Plans, Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities, New Jersey Child Support and Spousal Support / Alimony?  If you want drama, may I suggest you rent a movie or tune into daytime TV but if you want to get through your divorce may I suggest you try mediation.

You see when you strip away the emotion which I know can sometimes be hard to do given the nature of divorce and the hurt that sometimes surrounds it, you can boil it down to its basic elements which I have mentioned above.  And while I am not trying to sound callous by any means nor am I a proponent of divorce, I want you and your family to get through the process with as little harm being done to all of you as possible.  If you and your soon to be ex-spouse spend all of your time trying to beat each other up during your divorce, what time and energy will you have for your children? Will you really be able to be present for them at a time when they probably need you more than ever since their world is being torn apart as well?  By staying focused on the process and the four main issues you can make what seems like an endlessly complex issue, simple.

Here are some things to remember when going through divorce mediation that can help keep things focused.  By keeping these tips in your mind for each of the four main areas, I believe most couples can come to an agreement in less time, with less stress and a much lower cost that by taking an attorney-driven route and really enjoy the benefits of mediation.

1. The Parenting Plan: it is in the best interest of your child to spend as much time with both of you as possible.  If one of you has sole custody and the children never see their other parent, that may make you feel like you’ve won but believe me, the children will feel like they’ve lost.  And they have.
2. Equitable Distribution: While the laws vary from state to state, for divorce mediation in New Jersey, the financial settlement must be fair and equitable. If it’s tilted heavily in one parties favor, it’s not going to pass muster no matter how much you want to take you soon to be ex-spouse to the cleaners.
3. New Jersey Child Support: remember both of you are paying child support.  It just so happens that one of you is writing the check to the other party.  If you think that the $x per month you send to your ex-spouse covers all of your child’s expenses, you are sadly mistaken.  Each of you is responsible for your child’s financial well-being and child support only covers a part of it.  So please don’t walk around complaining about how much you pay in child support.  These are your children too, remember?
4. Spousal Support / Alimony: the payment of spousal support or alimony is not meant to bankrupt one of you while making the other one of you rich.  It is simply intended to help offset the differences in earning capabilities between the two of you and help equalize your lifestyles post divorce.  If the amount you request is unreasonable, it won’t fly, especially if the other party simply cannot pay it.   So sorry to be the one to break this to you but you will not be getting $10,000,000 a year in alimony because your friend who knows a guy whose old college roommate used to be a lawyer told you so.  Sorry.

Just remember as a New Jersey divorce mediator my job is to help manage the process and make the complex, simple.  It is entirely up to you if you want to come to a settlement so ask yourself:  can you follow the four simple rules above?  If so, look into mediation as it just might be the answer you’ve been looking for.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.