Mediation: Because Dirty Laundry Belongs in the Wash, Not in Court

In today’s Wall Street Journal, there was an article about the fight over revealing divorce details and the potential damage it could do to the individuals involved and their children.  The author’s point was that it was difficult to tell where the first amendment and the public’s “right to know” ended and the seemingly insatiable interest in gossip we have now-a-days begins.  Just walk by a newsstand or search the Internet for a celebrity’s name and an endless stream of information will appear before your eyes on everything from what they had for dinner last night to the latest rumor about their sexuality.  But if you think it’s just limited to celebrities, think again. It seems these days that there is no such thing as private information given how much data is publicly available on us.  Just do a search on your name in Google and be prepared for what you find.  Do you really want this information out there when it comes to your divorce?

As you may already know, divorce proceedings are open to the public and anyone including your co-workers, neighbors and relatives can sit in the gallery and listen to every sordid detail.  All of this is happening while you pay your attorneys tens of thousands of dollars to come to a settlement you and your ex could have pretty much put together yourself with the help of a New Jersey divorce mediator so what it really comes down to is personal choice.  Do you go the adversarial route and fight this out in public or do you go the mediation route and resolve your differences in private?

There are many benefits of mediation and if you’re like me, privacy is a big one because what happened during my marriage is my business and should remain only my business.   When you use a mediation service, there is no such breech as everything we do is behind closed doors and stays in the confines of our mediation sessions, keeping the details of your settlement completely private as opposed to the alternative which (well read this article and see what I mean) isn’t exactly ideal.  And if you think grandstanding in open court is going to get you a more favorable settlement, think again.  I can’t imagine when you and your soon to be ex are screaming at each other in front of dozens of total strangers, you are going to end up with a good result.  As much as we’d like to think we’re adults, divorce can make us do crazy things and cooler heads don’t always prevail.  But with the help of a divorce mediator in New Jersey you and your spouse will be surprised at just how much progress you can make towards peacefully ending your marriage.  It doesn’t have to be as hard as the movies and television would like you to believe and by making the decision to keep your divorce details to yourself, I promise you, both you and your children will be better off in the long run.

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If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Divorce Mediation Can Make the Complex, Simple

Perhaps it’s the portrayal of divorce in the media or the stories we hear about celebrity divorces and how they fight over what seem to be inane things gives divorce its reputation as being a nasty business.  I can tell you as a divorce mediator in New Jersey most of the couples I see using our mediation services aren’t looking to make a circus out of their split but rather get through things relatively peacefully and amicably so I often wonder: does divorce have to be that hard?  Do the people who have these knock down, drag out divorce proceedings know about divorce mediation and if not, why? Do they not realize that at the end of the day it all boils down to just four things: Parenting Plans, Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities, New Jersey Child Support and Spousal Support / Alimony?  If you want drama, may I suggest you rent a movie or tune into daytime TV but if you want to get through your divorce may I suggest you try mediation.

You see when you strip away the emotion which I know can sometimes be hard to do given the nature of divorce and the hurt that sometimes surrounds it, you can boil it down to its basic elements which I have mentioned above.  And while I am not trying to sound callous by any means nor am I a proponent of divorce, I want you and your family to get through the process with as little harm being done to all of you as possible.  If you and your soon to be ex-spouse spend all of your time trying to beat each other up during your divorce, what time and energy will you have for your children? Will you really be able to be present for them at a time when they probably need you more than ever since their world is being torn apart as well?  By staying focused on the process and the four main issues you can make what seems like an endlessly complex issue, simple.

Here are some things to remember when going through divorce mediation that can help keep things focused.  By keeping these tips in your mind for each of the four main areas, I believe most couples can come to an agreement in less time, with less stress and a much lower cost that by taking an attorney-driven route and really enjoy the benefits of mediation.

1. The Parenting Plan: it is in the best interest of your child to spend as much time with both of you as possible.  If one of you has sole custody and the children never see their other parent, that may make you feel like you’ve won but believe me, the children will feel like they’ve lost.  And they have.
2. Equitable Distribution: While the laws vary from state to state, for divorce mediation in New Jersey, the financial settlement must be fair and equitable. If it’s tilted heavily in one parties favor, it’s not going to pass muster no matter how much you want to take you soon to be ex-spouse to the cleaners.
3. New Jersey Child Support: remember both of you are paying child support.  It just so happens that one of you is writing the check to the other party.  If you think that the $x per month you send to your ex-spouse covers all of your child’s expenses, you are sadly mistaken.  Each of you is responsible for your child’s financial well-being and child support only covers a part of it.  So please don’t walk around complaining about how much you pay in child support.  These are your children too, remember?
4. Spousal Support / Alimony: the payment of spousal support or alimony is not meant to bankrupt one of you while making the other one of you rich.  It is simply intended to help offset the differences in earning capabilities between the two of you and help equalize your lifestyles post divorce.  If the amount you request is unreasonable, it won’t fly, especially if the other party simply cannot pay it.   So sorry to be the one to break this to you but you will not be getting $10,000,000 a year in alimony because your friend who knows a guy whose old college roommate used to be a lawyer told you so.  Sorry.

Just remember as a New Jersey divorce mediator my job is to help manage the process and make the complex, simple.  It is entirely up to you if you want to come to a settlement so ask yourself:  can you follow the four simple rules above?  If so, look into mediation as it just might be the answer you’ve been looking for.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Mediation: A Judgment Free Divorce Process

As a divorce mediator in New Jersey, I am often in front of couples who besides my constant reminding, mistake me for a judge.  While under normal circumstances I might be flattered to be confused with a person of such high honor and distinction, but when it comes to being a divorce mediator, well, not so much.  Trying to persuade me is not going to do anyone a bit of good and quite honestly, is destructive to the mediation process so it has no place in the offices of Equitable Mediation Services.   You see divorce mediators are trained neutrals and it is our job to not represent either of you but advocate for both of you and your children, when applicable.  As you’ve probably heard me say before, mediation is a forward looking process and what happened is in the past and of no real concern to us during our mediation sessions.  Unless of course there is some sort of domestic violence issue or fraudulent activity then it becomes a matter for the courts.

But on the whole as much as it pains me to tell you this, no lawyer, judge or court really cares about whether or not your soon to be ex-spouse picked up their socks, made dinner, played their music too loud, etc.  Yes, these all may be reasons why you are seeking mediation services but at the end of the day, it will not factor in to your Memorandum of Understanding and ultimately matter a bit in your final divorce settlement.

People who think these things matter are the ones who either (a) can’t mediate or (b) go broke spending all of their money on attorney’s fees because they want to continue the fight instead of seek the solution.  Mediation is all about helping you resolve the issues surrounding your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.  Does fighting seem efficient when at the end of the day you’re going to be divorced anyway?  Is fighting relaxing?  Do you enjoy fighting?  Perhaps some of you do as you’ve become comfortable with the dysfunction that has become your marriage and your day-to-day life but let me be the first to tell you that’s not how it needs to go.

As your mediator it is my job to manage the process in a completely non-judgmental way and guide you through the four major areas of divorce:

1. Parenting Plans
2. Equitable Distribution of Marital Assets and Liabilities
3. New Jersey Child Support
4. Spousal Support / Alimony

By having a constructive and honest dialog about each other’s expectations, needs and concerns for the future, only then can we begin the process of putting together an agreement that will work for all parties.  If you are going to spend our mediation sessions trying to convince me what a bad person your soon to be ex is, then we are not going to have much success and perhaps mediation is not for you.  So ask yourself this question: are you ready to move forward with your life and get to the other side (as painful as that journey might be) or do you want to continue to argue and stay comfortably ensconced in your culture of blame and misery?

The choice is up to both of you.

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If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

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