Mediation: Agreement Without Influence

As you may already know, divorce mediation is a form of what is known as “alternative dispute resolution” and we at Equitable Mediation Services believe it to be the preferred way for divorcing couples to settle their differences.  During our initial free consultation, I am asked to explain more about divorce mediation and while I could spend this entire article doing so, I want to focus in on what I feel to be one of mediation’s best features: agreement without influence.

To better explain this concept, I want you to think back to when you were a child.  Your friends were all outside playing, it was summer, still light out at 8 o’clock at night and you heard your name being called by your parents to come inside and go to bed.  Why!?  Why do I have to go inside?  It’s still light out?  Everyone else is still outside, why can’t I be?  Does this reaction sound familiar?  Your parents would march you upstairs, tell you to brush your teeth (I hated that part), change into your PJ’s and off to bed you go.  It was not much fun being 7 and being told what to do.

The same goes for divorce.  I guess some old habits die hard as I to this day am not a big an of being told what to do.  But when you put your divorce in the hands of attorneys and the legal system, that is exactly what you are letting happen to you.  You will be told what to accept, to settle for and to agree to.

Why!?

Well for one thing you are probably thinking “well these people are professionals and they must know they are talking about so what they’re telling me must be correct.”  And yes, many attorneys are professionals and have a great grasp of the law, but do they really know what’s best for your divorce?  Mediation is different and in a very good way. You see with mediation, it is up to both you and your spouse to decide what’s best for you without any undue influence of any outside party.

As your NJ divorce mediator it is my job to make sure that the dialog continues, to help you see alternatives and options that you may not have thought of on your own and bring to you my years of experience in negotiation, mediation and finance to help you design your settlement.  I help you come to an agreement without trying to influence you in one direction or the other and help you to make the terms you decide on your own.

After participating in hundreds of  negotiations and mediations over the years, I have noticed that people usually do the right thing 95% of the time and given enough room to maneuver and freedom to express their ideas (along with a helpful facilitator such as myself) people can come to their own agreements that work for them, on their own terms, without being told what to do.  And at the end of the day, isn’t getting a settlement that works for you and your children the most important thing?  Because it is all of you who will have to live with it, not me, not your attorney and certainly not the legal system.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Does Mediation lead to Better Parenting Plans? Part II

As mentioned in Monday’s post, we at Equitable Mediation Services cover four main areas during our divorce mediation sessions and one of those areas is that of the Parenting Plan. We’ve been discussing an article on co-parenting after divorce in which the author gives his six tips for making parenting after a divorce and in today’s post, we’ll be discussing two more of those ideas to give those currently in divorce mediation or contemplating divorce some food for thought.

One thing we see in our mediation sessions is parents who try to be too accommodating or flexible with their parenting plan and wind up with something that looks like this:

• On Monday at 5:45pm, Lisa will drop children off at John’s for overnight visit
• On Tuesday morning John will drive children back to Lisa’s to get children ready for school
• On Wednesday John will pick children up from Lisa’s to sleep overnight with him.
• On Thursday after school, Lisa will bring children to John and the family will go out to dinner.

You can see with all the running around and household shifting, there is no time for actual parenting!  Not to mention the kids probably have no idea which end is up and where they actually live.

Even if your parenting plan won’t look like this, it is important to remember that having a schedule that you can actually live up to and execute properly is critical for the sake of children in divorce.  I know, you feel guilty and want to spend as much time with your children as possible (which is a good thing) but if you’re constantly shutting them from place to place or not being able to actually meet your parenting time obligations and disappointing them, it’s worse that if you don’t see them at all.

While on the subject of parenting, another thing we encounter post-divorce is the “micro-management” of parenting styles.  Typically in the marital home there is one party who is the “parent” and one who is the “agree-er.”  You see it all the time in the classic case of “go ask your mother” or “go ask your father” with one parent deferring to the other.  Now that you are managing separate households, you will each have a chance to parents independently of the other and have to make all decisions on your own, without the guidance of a spouse.  Unfortunately, children aren’t the best secret-keepers and this can lead to information being shared inadvertently between parents and lead to conflict.

When one parent isn’t present, the worry is that the other isn’t raising them to their standard.  But what each of you have to remember is that these are your children and you BOTH want what’s best for them so it is important for you to each respect how the other parent raises the kids.  Certainly if there is an issue that involves neglect or abuse, that’s a different story but if the issue is whether or not the kids get their sandwiches on white bread or whole wheat bread, I’m not certain that’s a matter for the courts to decide.  Respecting each other’s parenting styles and supporting the other parent in their decision making will be key to raising healthy and happy well-adjusted children.  Remember: this is about your children, not about you.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

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