Divorce Mediation: Because You’ve Got Better Ways to Spend Your Money

With April 15th looming large (tax day here in the United States for our readers abroad) I thought it would be helpful to remind everyone considering divorce at this time to recall one of the most important benefits of mediation during these difficult economic times: tremendous cost savings.  For those of you who have already done your taxes and even for those who have not, it’s no secret that Uncle Sam takes more than his fair share of what you bring home every day.  So my question is this: if you know that couples who divorce must expect their post-marital lifestyle to be lower than that of their martial lifestyle due to the fact that two households are more expensive to run than one, why would you spend  anywhere from $27,000 to $71,000 more on your divorce than you have to?

At Equitable Mediation Services, we see couples in every stage of their marital lives who are contemplating a divorce.  We see the younger couple who has been married 3 to 5 years with an infant, couples with children in high school approaching college, having been married 15-20 years and those couples whose children have left them as “empty-nesters” and been married 25-30 years or more.  And in each one of these scenarios, I can make a case that using divorce mediation and saving money on your divorce is a good idea.

You see often times, too many people get caught up in the fight, focusing on “winning” (whatever that means in a divorce) and willing to go broke in the process.   They often forget that the money they are spending getting a divorce could be better used towards their children’s college education, their post-marital lifestyle or their retirement.  With the average litigated divorce costing approximately $78,000, that means:

• The young divorcing couple with a 5 year old, could invest that money at 5% and have $162,000 for their child’s college education when that child turns 20
• The middle-aged couple with a child approaching college could use that $78,000 to pay the tuition, room and board and pizza money for four years at Rutgers University here in New Jersey
• The retirement age couple could invest that money in an IRA and take a draw down of $568 per months for the next 25 years of their retirement assuming they retire at 65 and live until age 90 and invest the money at 5%

Or, they could give it to their attorneys.  Which would you choose?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Mediation: Teaching Communication Skills To Help You Cope

For those of you who read my three-part series on parenting plans and mediation, you read my analysis on six areas that make for effective parenting post-divorce and one of those items was effective conflict resolution.  As a New Jersey divorce mediator the people who come see me are already in crisis and most likely not getting along very well since they are here to discuss their divorce.  What people don’t usually realize is that just because you have been arguing and gotten to a point where you are unable to effectively communicate, if you have children, that doesn’t absolve you of your responsibilities.

When it comes to being parents, guess what?  You will always need to be parents and for many of the clients we see at Equitable Mediation Services they will be interacting with each other vis a vis their children for a longer period of time than they were actually married!  For example, couples who have been married five years with a three year-old child (if that child goes to college) will be discussing issues related to him or her for another 19 years, nearly four time longer than they were married so they better learn to communicate or it’s going to be a very long 19 years…

In this recent article the author gives some good tips for managing your life as co-parents after your divorce and one of the ones that struck me is something we say in our mediation sessions all of the time: focus on your children.  Sure you and your ex aren’t going to be husband and wife anymore but you are going to be mom and dad as that responsibility will never change.  When couples come me us, they are in conflict, no doubt about that but it is amazing what you can accomplish if you always bring it back to the one thing they share, have in common and can agree is most important: their children.

A common trap that all of us fall into, even with our friends, co-workers or other family members, is the desire to be right.  That desire overwhelms us and causes us to become argumentative until finally, neither party knows just exactly what started this argument in the first place and what it’s all about.  By staying focuses on the issues at hand, in this case your parenting plan you can remain focused on what is the most important aspect of your lives after divorce: your child.  Bringing it back to the children as the author suggests is one of the best ways I find to help divorcing couples settle down and work to resolve their differences as I’ve never heard a single person say to me (ever!) “I want to be a bad parent” or “no, I don’t care about the welfare of my children.”  If you come down to it and remember to focus on why you are there in the first place (to talk about your kids) the rest of the garbage will usually fall away.

But what if it doesn’t?  That’s where a mediation clause comes in.  In my last post I gave an example of a mediation clause I use in my Memorandum of Understanding and would suggest you model something similar in your divorce decree as well.  Of course you should always try to work it out on your own but if you can’t, it’s OK to bring in a professional mediator who can help you work through the issues.  Remember: the same skills a NJ divorce mediator brings to help couples contemplating or going through a divorce, are the same skills that are required to resolve issues after divorce as well so we always welcome parents who need a little help getting past those communication barriers.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you pre or post-divorce, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Does Mediation Lead to Better Parenting Plans? Part III

In part three of this series on what makes for successful parenting plans post-divorce ( the first two posts can be found by clicking here: part one, part two) we will discuss the last two factors which we at Equitable Mediation Services agree are the most important two of all: accepting your ex’s new partner and effective conflict resolution.

People who have used me as their New Jersey divorce mediator, have heard me say on multiple occasions during our mediation sessions, that while it may not be today, tomorrow or even this year, at some point, you will move forward.  And yes while I understand that when you are in the middle of a divorce all seems hopeless and that you will never be happy again, I like to think that we can all pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find happiness again.  And when you do, an interesting thing will happen if you have children.  You and your ex-spouse will need to come to terms with the fact that there is someone new in your life and that they will have a hand in raising your kids so it’s in your best interest to be supportive of the new relationship.  After all, wouldn’t you want the same courtesy if it were you? Not to mention the fact how you treat your ex-spouse’s new partner will also influence how your children treat them.  You need to let your children know that when they are with your ex and their new mate, the children are to listen to them as they are the “parents.”  Will you be jealous?  Sure but jealousy is an adult emotion and one not best shared with the children, no matter how you feel.

But really what it all comes down to is effective conflict resolution.  At some point during your shared parenting arrangement you will have a disagreement.  Depending on your mediator, and how structured your Memorandum of Understanding is, there may be situations which are not covered in your parenting plan.  So what to do?  File a lawsuit over vacation time or eating habits?  Not a great idea.  Being able to be effective parents will rely greatly on your collective ability to resolve your differences in parenting style.  But when the time comes that you can’t, you should always look to put a mediation clause in your agreement that will give either one of you the right to go to mediation should a conflict that you cannot solve, arise.  Here is one I use in my agreements:

The parties agree that settlement of every dispute or difference between them arising under this agreement shall be first attempted by a meeting between them during which they, in good faith, attempt to confer and resolve the dispute.  If the parties are unable to resolve the dispute by that method, they shall submit the dispute to non-binding mediation, utilizing the services of an impartial professional mediator approved by both parties.  Such mediation shall occur as soon as reasonably practicable and neither party shall unreasonably withhold its consent to the appointment of a mediator.  The parties further agree that all costs and expenses of mediation shall be shared equally between them.

PLEASE NOTE THIS CLAUSE IS INTENDED TO BE USED AS AN EXAMPLE ONLY AND DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE IN ANY WAY.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

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