Maybe Mel Gibson Should Try Divorce Mediation

Not that divorce is a laughing matter by any means, but I always have to laugh when I see these high profile celebrity divorce cases that come across the radar every few months.  In recent years we’ve had Madonna, Christie Brinkley, New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez, former New Jersey Governor James McGreevey, Alex Baldwin and now we have our pal Mel Gibson.  All of these folks could remove their divorce from the public eye and spare their children and families the shame and humiliation of it all if they just knew more about divorce mediation.

For regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog, you’ve seen me expand upon the many benefits of mediation such as significant cost savings, less stress and better results.  I guess when you’re a celebrity however, cost is not an issue and as far as stress goes, perhaps being in the public eye all the time, you’re used to that.  And as far as better results go, I guess when you’ve got one billion dollars to your name, if you lose half of it, well, you’ve still got a ton of money so any result must be acceptable.  I guess you’ll just have to sell three of your seven houses to pay for it all.  What a shame.

Mediation though has another interesting benefit and one not apparently obvious to these celebrities: confidentiality.  Much like if you were to go to a doctor, the same privilege that protects your privacy and your medical records, also applies to the mediator-client relationship.  As a New Jersey divorce mediator, I can tell you that our mediation sessions are conducted in total privacy and the happening within those session are not made public which could come in handy if you were say, a high profile celebrity who likes to drink and drive and go off on anti-Semitic rants.  You’ve already got a few strikes against you and airing your dirty laundry in public is probably not the best career move you can make.  Divorce is an ugly business so why make it any worse than it already is?

With divorce mediation you still work out all the same issues surrounding your divorce such as the parenting plan, the equitable distribution of your marital assets and liabilities, child support and spousal support / alimony.  When you really come down to it, all the emotional drama, all the years of he said / she said, all the hurt feelings and late night phone calls from jail, all of it really doesn’t matter.  What matters is the four areas mentioned above.  That’s it.  No muss, no fuss.  Work out those four areas and you’ve got yourself a divorce provided you can agree on the terms, the lawyers don’t take everything and the media lets you make it into the courtroom to file.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Don’t Let a Bad Mediator Happen to you

Yesterday I was reading a news article with a rather interesting title “When Bad Lawyers Happen to Good People” and I got to thinking how true that old adage about one bad apple spoiling the whole bunch is.  Well in the case of the basket containing divorce lawyers, there may be a few good apples in the bunch but more often than not, you hear of stories that will make you never want to participate in the legal process again.  And while people may tend to blame the lawyer, more often than not, it’s the system that’s to blame and people’s misunderstanding of the players, their roles and their part in the process.

When participating in a traditional attorney-driven divorce, the parties are often encouraged to continue the fight in the name of “getting what they want.”  Inflammatory remarks are made, suspect advice is given the circle goes around and around.  Is this due to a bad attorney?  Perhaps but as an advocate, your lawyer is simply doing what you instruct them to do so bad news: you’ve got a hand in prolonging this conflict too.  However when using a NJ divorce mediator, the process is completely different.

There aren’t two warring parties and their representatives but rather a group of three people engaging in a collaborative effort to resolve the issues, not prolong the conflict.  At Equitable Mediation Services instead of suspect advice you will get open and honest dialog about your options and you can choose what works best for you and your family.  Well, I’m sure this all sounds great but what does this have to do with the title of this article?

In any field, there are good and shall we say “inadequate” professionals and what makes someone a good or bad practitioner could be a subject of lengthy debate but the one thing I have come to learn is this.  In the fields of law and mediation, there is a sharp contrast between being able to effectively mediate and practicing law.  All too many times, as this article suggested, the lawyers try to mediate and really just wind up giving legal advice and inadvertently prolong the conflict.  There is much to know about divorce mediation as it truly is different from litigating but who should litigate and who should mediate is become an interesting question. When bad mediators happen to good people, it is my experience that these are “lawyer-mediators” who want you to believe that by using their services they can provide you both legal advice and mediation services.

They can’t.  Not now, not ever.

This is at worst a conflict of interest and at best illegal.  So when you are considering who you should choose as your New Jersey divorce mediator just remember this: you wouldn’t bring your car to be fixed to your dry cleaner, would you?  So why would you let an attorney handle your mediation?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Mediation Puts Kids First, Not in the Middle

Regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog will know that I openly admit my bias toward making sure the children of divorce have a seat at the table.  Even though they are never physically present at our sessions because divorce is an adult topic and one best not discussed in front of the children, their interests, needs and well-being remain the focus of our sessions.

With that in mind, today I saw an interesting website for a group called “Kids in the Middle” that operates out of St. Louis which offered tips for a “cooperative parenting” arrangement and each of the suggestions were ones that we already use in divorce mediation.  As a NJ divorce mediator, I see countless couples sitting across from me arguing over some of the most inane things you can imagine, often times forgetting that their children need to come first.   The best is when they say something like the following:

“I’m only [doing this / asking for this / acting this way] because I feel it’s in the best interests of my children. I’ve spoken to my friends and family and they absolutely agree with me that I should [fight to the death / until I'm broke] to make sure this happens.”

Hmm…

First, let’s recognize that you’re angry and scared that you will never see your children again.  Divorce mediation works with couples to ensure a fair and balanced parenting plan is in place that both the parents and the children will benefit from.  It doesn’t do anyone any good to have the kids spend time with only one parent and never see the other again.

Next is the news flash – you are the adult so you need to start acting like it.  Tough, I know but you need to make sure you do what’s in the kid’s best interests, not what you perceive to be in their best interests.  That’s where an experienced mediator can really help you out and help you develop options that really work, not just what you think will work.  Oh and by they way?  They are not your children as they are not possessions.  Children should be raised by both parents, not just you.

Then there is the validation of friends and family.  Of course they will absolutely agree with you!  They are YOUR friends and family!  It’s their role to do so and perhaps in doing so you need to consider that their advice may be a little bit biased… sorry but it’s true.  NJ divorce mediators are neutral third parties who don’t take sides and help you develop options based on many years of experience.  And while we can’t tell you what to do, we can tell you what other couples in similar situations as yours have done and let you draw your own conclusions from their successes which hopefully can become yours.

And last but not least is the “battle royale.”  If you go broke in the process of fighting for your children, how will you put a roof over their heads or food on the table?  Will you, through your anger, bleed their college savings dry just to fight this fight in court where the only people who get rich are the lawyers?  Think it through and you will see, prolonging the fight is not in anyone’s best interest, especially your children’s.

By using a mediation service and putting kids first, you will not only come to better agreements in a more peaceful manner, you will save tens of thousands of dollars in the process and get down to what’s really important: spending time with your children and moving on with your lives.  And isn’t moving on with your life the reason why you started this whole process in the first place?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

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