Mediation Puts Kids First, Not in the Middle

Regular readers of the Equitable Mediation Services blog will know that I openly admit my bias toward making sure the children of divorce have a seat at the table.  Even though they are never physically present at our sessions because divorce is an adult topic and one best not discussed in front of the children, their interests, needs and well-being remain the focus of our sessions.

With that in mind, today I saw an interesting website for a group called “Kids in the Middle” that operates out of St. Louis which offered tips for a “cooperative parenting” arrangement and each of the suggestions were ones that we already use in divorce mediation.  As a NJ divorce mediator, I see countless couples sitting across from me arguing over some of the most inane things you can imagine, often times forgetting that their children need to come first.   The best is when they say something like the following:

“I’m only [doing this / asking for this / acting this way] because I feel it’s in the best interests of my children. I’ve spoken to my friends and family and they absolutely agree with me that I should [fight to the death / until I'm broke] to make sure this happens.”

Hmm…

First, let’s recognize that you’re angry and scared that you will never see your children again.  Divorce mediation works with couples to ensure a fair and balanced parenting plan is in place that both the parents and the children will benefit from.  It doesn’t do anyone any good to have the kids spend time with only one parent and never see the other again.

Next is the news flash – you are the adult so you need to start acting like it.  Tough, I know but you need to make sure you do what’s in the kid’s best interests, not what you perceive to be in their best interests.  That’s where an experienced mediator can really help you out and help you develop options that really work, not just what you think will work.  Oh and by they way?  They are not your children as they are not possessions.  Children should be raised by both parents, not just you.

Then there is the validation of friends and family.  Of course they will absolutely agree with you!  They are YOUR friends and family!  It’s their role to do so and perhaps in doing so you need to consider that their advice may be a little bit biased… sorry but it’s true.  NJ divorce mediators are neutral third parties who don’t take sides and help you develop options based on many years of experience.  And while we can’t tell you what to do, we can tell you what other couples in similar situations as yours have done and let you draw your own conclusions from their successes which hopefully can become yours.

And last but not least is the “battle royale.”  If you go broke in the process of fighting for your children, how will you put a roof over their heads or food on the table?  Will you, through your anger, bleed their college savings dry just to fight this fight in court where the only people who get rich are the lawyers?  Think it through and you will see, prolonging the fight is not in anyone’s best interest, especially your children’s.

By using a mediation service and putting kids first, you will not only come to better agreements in a more peaceful manner, you will save tens of thousands of dollars in the process and get down to what’s really important: spending time with your children and moving on with your lives.  And isn’t moving on with your life the reason why you started this whole process in the first place?

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.