Does Mediation Lead to Better Parenting Plans? Part III

In part three of this series on what makes for successful parenting plans post-divorce ( the first two posts can be found by clicking here: part one, part two) we will discuss the last two factors which we at Equitable Mediation Services agree are the most important two of all: accepting your ex’s new partner and effective conflict resolution.

People who have used me as their New Jersey divorce mediator, have heard me say on multiple occasions during our mediation sessions, that while it may not be today, tomorrow or even this year, at some point, you will move forward.  And yes while I understand that when you are in the middle of a divorce all seems hopeless and that you will never be happy again, I like to think that we can all pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and find happiness again.  And when you do, an interesting thing will happen if you have children.  You and your ex-spouse will need to come to terms with the fact that there is someone new in your life and that they will have a hand in raising your kids so it’s in your best interest to be supportive of the new relationship.  After all, wouldn’t you want the same courtesy if it were you? Not to mention the fact how you treat your ex-spouse’s new partner will also influence how your children treat them.  You need to let your children know that when they are with your ex and their new mate, the children are to listen to them as they are the “parents.”  Will you be jealous?  Sure but jealousy is an adult emotion and one not best shared with the children, no matter how you feel.

But really what it all comes down to is effective conflict resolution.  At some point during your shared parenting arrangement you will have a disagreement.  Depending on your mediator, and how structured your Memorandum of Understanding is, there may be situations which are not covered in your parenting plan.  So what to do?  File a lawsuit over vacation time or eating habits?  Not a great idea.  Being able to be effective parents will rely greatly on your collective ability to resolve your differences in parenting style.  But when the time comes that you can’t, you should always look to put a mediation clause in your agreement that will give either one of you the right to go to mediation should a conflict that you cannot solve, arise.  Here is one I use in my agreements:

The parties agree that settlement of every dispute or difference between them arising under this agreement shall be first attempted by a meeting between them during which they, in good faith, attempt to confer and resolve the dispute.  If the parties are unable to resolve the dispute by that method, they shall submit the dispute to non-binding mediation, utilizing the services of an impartial professional mediator approved by both parties.  Such mediation shall occur as soon as reasonably practicable and neither party shall unreasonably withhold its consent to the appointment of a mediator.  The parties further agree that all costs and expenses of mediation shall be shared equally between them.

PLEASE NOTE THIS CLAUSE IS INTENDED TO BE USED AS AN EXAMPLE ONLY AND DOES NOT CONSTITUTE LEGAL ADVICE IN ANY WAY.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.