Does Mediation lead to Better Parenting Plans? Part II

As mentioned in Monday’s post, we at Equitable Mediation Services cover four main areas during our divorce mediation sessions and one of those areas is that of the Parenting Plan. We’ve been discussing an article on co-parenting after divorce in which the author gives his six tips for making parenting after a divorce and in today’s post, we’ll be discussing two more of those ideas to give those currently in divorce mediation or contemplating divorce some food for thought.

One thing we see in our mediation sessions is parents who try to be too accommodating or flexible with their parenting plan and wind up with something that looks like this:

• On Monday at 5:45pm, Lisa will drop children off at John’s for overnight visit
• On Tuesday morning John will drive children back to Lisa’s to get children ready for school
• On Wednesday John will pick children up from Lisa’s to sleep overnight with him.
• On Thursday after school, Lisa will bring children to John and the family will go out to dinner.

You can see with all the running around and household shifting, there is no time for actual parenting!  Not to mention the kids probably have no idea which end is up and where they actually live.

Even if your parenting plan won’t look like this, it is important to remember that having a schedule that you can actually live up to and execute properly is critical for the sake of children in divorce.  I know, you feel guilty and want to spend as much time with your children as possible (which is a good thing) but if you’re constantly shutting them from place to place or not being able to actually meet your parenting time obligations and disappointing them, it’s worse that if you don’t see them at all.

While on the subject of parenting, another thing we encounter post-divorce is the “micro-management” of parenting styles.  Typically in the marital home there is one party who is the “parent” and one who is the “agree-er.”  You see it all the time in the classic case of “go ask your mother” or “go ask your father” with one parent deferring to the other.  Now that you are managing separate households, you will each have a chance to parents independently of the other and have to make all decisions on your own, without the guidance of a spouse.  Unfortunately, children aren’t the best secret-keepers and this can lead to information being shared inadvertently between parents and lead to conflict.

When one parent isn’t present, the worry is that the other isn’t raising them to their standard.  But what each of you have to remember is that these are your children and you BOTH want what’s best for them so it is important for you to each respect how the other parent raises the kids.  Certainly if there is an issue that involves neglect or abuse, that’s a different story but if the issue is whether or not the kids get their sandwiches on white bread or whole wheat bread, I’m not certain that’s a matter for the courts to decide.  Respecting each other’s parenting styles and supporting the other parent in their decision making will be key to raising healthy and happy well-adjusted children.  Remember: this is about your children, not about you.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.