In today’s tough economy, the benefits of mediation are becoming more and more clear.  With its more expeditious process and tremendous cost savings of $20,000 or more, divorcing couples are turning to mediation as the way to settle all of the issues surrounding their divorce.  As you’ve seen me write about many times before, one of the areas we cover in mediation sessions is that of Equitable Distribution. When I ask people what does Equitable Distribution mean, many times I get something like “it’s the dividing of your assets to determine who gets what.”

That’s partially true…

The full definition is the dividing of the marital assets and liabilities to determine who gets what.  Divorcing couples like to forget the liabilities part and for good reason: who wants to pay off the mountains of debts that many couples have accumulated over the years?  Especially if it’s not even “your” debt?  And there in lies today’s lesson: know your debt.

For many divorcing couples, until recently, the marital home was the “saving grace.” Selling it allowed the divorcing couple to use the appreciation in the marital home’s value to pay off any existing debts and perhaps even walk away with a small lump sum to put down on another home so the concept of who owed what wasn’t as big a deal then as it is now.  With today’s shrinking real estate market and the subsequent plunge in real estate values over the past few years, many couples are finding that the value of the marital home doesn’t even cover the mortgage, let alone their bills or debts, leaving couples to wonder what to do when faced with such a dilemma.

As I am merely a New Jersey divorce mediator and not the US Mint, I can’t print money for you and make all of your bills go away but I can offer suggestions on how best to get a handle on your debts and what they may look like post-divorce.  If you’re in the process of getting a divorce, what I can offer is this:

1. Get copies of all of your bank statements, joint and individual.  Many times people mistakenly think just because I opened an account in my name that it is mine.  Not always true.  This will give you a better picture of what liquid assets are available to pay off the marital debts.
2. Go to: www.annualcreditreport.com and get a copy of your credit report.  Make sure all accounts that are listed as open are in fact open and yours.  Check to see if any accounts that you closed are not reflected as such and contact those creditors right away.  You may even want to put a lock on inquiries into your credit history or get a credit monitoring service to make sure no new accounts are opened in your name (perhaps by your soon to be ex-spouse) without your consent.
3. Gather up all of your debts and take responsibility for what is yours.  Common items like student loans which you may have co-signed for a soon to be ex can come back to get you years later so make sure you know who’s debts are who’s.
4. Cancel all joint credit cards and open a credit card in just your name.  I see too many people who have some attachment to an account they’ve had since they were young and so they simply remove their spouse from the account and keep the same account number without paying it off with marital funds.  Guess what?  Any balance due on that account is now squarely on you instead of being split as a marital liability.

By following these simple steps you will be able to get a better handle on what you may or may not be responsible for post-divorce which will allow you to plan your financial future accordingly.  Remember: your lifestyle post-divorce will most likely be lower than that of your marital lifestyle but that doesn’t mean you have to take on debt that isn’t legitamately yours.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Of all the clients we see at Equitable Mediation Services, the one’s that trouble us the most are the ones that do not put their children first.  For regular readers of my blog, you know that I am a proponent of divorce mediation and have elaborated on the many benefits of mediation and how I believe it to be the smarter way to divorce.   With it’s much lower cost, lower stress level and better outcomes for both the parties and their children, divorce mediation can be used in most of the cases I encounter.  I can say that 95% of the time we are able to come to a successful resolution of all the issues surrounding a couple’s divorce but that handful of times that we can’t, usually involves a couple who can’t see past their anger to do what’s right for their kids.

As we’ve discussed, there are four main areas to divorce mediation and two of them, the Parenting Plan and NJ Child Support involve ensuring your children are taken care of during your divorce and mediation sessions as well as after the divorce process is final.  During our mediation sessions, we start with the Parenting Plans as we feel it is the most important component of any divorce.  By putting the children and their issues first, we try to ensure that they will not become the economic or emotional victims of divorce and find that most of the time, the parents are able to work through these issues with little or no conflict.  By doing this, it also helps us see that while yes, there are a lot of things we don’t agree on (hence the reason we’re getting divorced) there are somethings we do, namely the welfare of the children.  But what happens when we can’t come to an agreement regarding the children?

This is where I remind you that not everyone can be a candidate for our divorce mediation services.  In order to enjoy the benefits of mediation, you as a couple are going to have to put aside your differences and work together to come to some agreements and the ones involving your children, are especially important.  When I see couples that cannot work through their differences regarding their children, I know that the issues surrounding their divorce go much deeper than can be handled in divorce mediation sessions.  This is where I would suggest and perhaps even insist they go see a couple’s counselor or even seek counseling on their own.  And while I am not a psychologist but rather a New Jersey divorce mediator, even I know not being able to do what’s right for your kids is a clear sign of a much deeper issue.  Remember: you may no longer be husband and wife but you are going to be mom and dad forever and in many of the cases I see, that will be even longer than you were married!

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

If you’re reading this blog, chances are you’re considering a divorce and thinking about divorce mediation as a way to settle your differences.  That’s excellent to hear.  However, in today’s post, I want to point out that divorce mediation is no magic bullet and it cannot fix what ails you, get your credit scores back, pay off your mortgage or help you get along if you actively choose not to even try.  There are many benefits of mediation and couples who come to us recognizing that and who are willing to put in the time and effort required, can and do eventually work though their issues.

Similarly, there are couples who come to us expecting something magic to happen during our sessions.  It is their thinking that if they simply spend their time yelling at each other, not producing the necessary documents required by their New Jersey divorce mediator, that at the end of the process, all the necessary agreements will be reached and the paperwork will be neatly drafted and placed in front of them for their review.

Let me be the first to tell you: this is not going to happen.

Mediation is an active process that requires participation from all parties: the client couple as well as the mediation services provider.  From the couple, the mediator will need the basics such as documentation, tax returns, bank statements, etc. as well as the ability to communicate (or at least try to communicate) and a willingness to do what is fair and equitable.  From the mediator the parties should want and expect an ability to actively listen, manage the divorce mediation process, communicate effectively, impart their experience by helping develop options the couple may not have otherwise thought of or considered and draft the required Memorandum of Understanding.  If both the client couple and the mediator do “their job” then the mediation will be a success.  But what happens when this is not the case?

One of the things that couples are surprised to learn is that mediation is a voluntary process and that means it is voluntary for everyone.  Clients reserve the right to leave mediation if they feel their needs are not being met or that the process isn’t what they had expected.  Similarly, the mediator reserves the right to terminate the mediation if he or she feels the parties are unable to effectively mediate their dispute or more commonly, not committed to the mediation process.  As mentioned before, there are many benefits of mediation but in order to achieve them, some work will be required by the client couple and it’s important people understand that.  If you want someone to do your bidding for you while you sit back and react, then hire an attorney and spend the $100,000.  But if you want to get a better result, be in charge of your own future and save you and your children a lot of headache, grief and money, then try divorce mediation but only if you’re willing to put aside your anger and spend the time required to get the desired results.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central New Jersey office locations where we will take some time to get to know more about you and your situation and see if mediation is right for you.  Of if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of great information about parenting plans, equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and contact us when you’re ready.  We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.