Mediation Helps Keep Parenting Plans with Parents

As many of you know who regularly read the Equitable Mediation Services NJ divorce mediation blog, Parenting Plans are one of the four main topics covered in divorce mediation sessions and to me personally, the most important of the four.  To editorialize for a moment, spouses engaged in a divorce must realize that when children are involved, you must put their needs first and do what’s best for them rather than putting them in the middle of the divorce and using them as pawns.  All too often I see parents who claim to want to do the right thing but then use their children as bargaining tools and even treat them as property to be divided and negotiated over.  And while perhaps I’m being a bit naive to think that fighting couples could put their differences aside for the sake of the children, it is nice to know I’m not alone in my desire to keep parenting plans and child custody issues out of the court.

In a recent article in the Charleston Gazette, courts in West Virginia are proposing sweeping new changes to the current child custody laws that are in effect in the state.  As it currently stands, if a man works long hours to support his family and then gets divorced, he is in effect penalized as the judge is more likely to grant him less time with his children after the divorce.  The new rules would address this imbalance and take into account a parent’s “ability and willingness” to be with their children post-divorce and set aside past patterns in which a parent didn’t spend as much time with their child as they would have liked to due to circumstances which may have been out of their control.

This brings to light an important point which you’ve heard me say before and that is: you are still mom and dad even though you are no longer husband and wife so it’s important that both of you spend as much time as you can with your children.  You don’t want the courts legislating what you as a parent do post settlement and you certainly don’t’ want a judge telling you how to be a good parent.  One of the benefits of mediation is that you as parents decide what pattern of time works best for you and your children.  During mediation sessions, you have the opportunity to discuss the parenting plan along with the other three major ares of divorce: equitable distribution, NJ child support and spousal support / alimony and come to agreement that is decide by those who know best: mom and dad.  Does the judge know your children?  How about your attorney?  Do they know what he or she likes to do, how they like to spend their free time or their favorite flavor of ice cream?  No.  So why would they know what’s best for them when it comes to how much time they spend with each of you?

If you’re contemplating a divorce and would to know more about divorce mediation, please feel free to contact us and set up a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations where we will learn more about your situation and explain the benefits of mediation to you and your spouse.  We know that once you learn more about divorce mediation you’ll agree that it truly is the smarter way to divorce.  But if you’re not ready just yet, please feel free to visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you’ll find lots of helpful information about divorce and mediation and contact us when you’re ready as we know this is not a decision one takes lightly.

We look forward to helping you get through your divorce peacefully, efficiently and with as little stress on you and your family as possible.

Divorce Mediation and Resolving Power Imbalances

Most people who come to us at Equitable Mediation Services are there for one thing: divorce mediation services.  And while that may be the primary reason for their visit, often times during mediation, ancillary topics arise that while not specific to the couple’s divorce, can impact what not only the Memorandum of Understanding will look like, but what the parties future success as a “singleton” may be.  Let me explain.

In most of the couples I see, over the course of their marriage, roles have developed with each of the parties taking on a certain set of tasks that they consider “their responsibility.”  These can be things such as lawn maintenance, household chores and the finances.  When couples contemplate divorce, what they often fail to realize is that the tasks their partner took care of, will now fall squarely on you and in turn, a power imbalance in a particular subject area has developed over time. Through no fault of anyone’s, it is simply a matter of fact that in some cases, one individual has spent the better part of the past 20 years performing a specific task and thus, has all of the knowledge about that subject.  Incidentally, this is not meant to perpetuate any stereotypes because I can tell you that I have had wives who do the household chores and cut the grass and the men who do most of the cooking so in a stereotypical “old-fashioned” idea of what marriages and couple’s roles in them look like, each party may be lost without the others help post-divorce mediation regardless of the tasks they performed.

As a New Jersey divorce mediator it is not only my job to help the couple navigate through the four main areas of divorce mediation: Parenting Plans, Equitable Distribution, the NJ Child Support Guidelines and Spousal Support / Alimony but also to ensure that both individuals (and their children when applicable) come out of the other side of the process in a position to succeed.  Will I be there to hold their hands once they leave my office for the last time?  No.  But what I can do and try to do in each and every session is constantly evaluate both the individuals and how they interact as a couple and offer the guidance on how best to resolve the situation at that moment in time as well as give them access to the network of professionals and helpful resources that I bring with me as part of my divorce mediation services.

For example, most couples think counseling is for people trying to salvage their marriage and since they are now in the process of getting divorce, there is no point in going to a counselor.  Nothing could be farther from the truth.  If couples have come to see me, chances are their communication skills have broken down over time and so they will need to “re-learn” how to speak to each other again because unless you do not have children (and most people who come to see me do) you will be interacting on a regular basis for the sake of your kids.  In shorter marriages, the chances are good that you will be speaking with your ex-spouse for more years after you are divorced than you were actually married!  You need to learn skills on how best to handle this and we can help.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to schedule a free, no-obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations.  of if you’re simply not ready, please visit the Equitable Mediation Services website where you will find lots of helpful information to assist you in making an informed decision.

Are You Ready for Divorce Mediation?

We at Equitable Mediation Services meet couples in various stages of their pre-divorce phase.  On one end, you have couples seeking mediation services that have just made the decision to divorce that week and on the other end couples who have been separated for years and are now just getting around to going through the divorce and mediation process.  And while any couple that is ready to mediate can go through mediation (I realize that sounds odd but I’ll explain why that is important in a minute) how do you know if you’re ready?

To do that, let’s take a look at how mediation is different from litigation.  With litigation, you don’t need anyone’s permission to sue them.  Let’s say for example, a box falls on your head in the supermarket and you are injured.  Do you need the store’s permission or the box manufacturer’s permission to sue them for pain and suffering?  Or course not.  You would go to your lawyer and file suit and from there the court system would take over.  Mediation on the other hand, is a little different.

As mediation is a voluntary process neither party can force the other to come to mediation; they need to do so voluntarily.  So in the case of the box falling on your head, if you were to want to go to mediation with the supermarket to work out a fair and equitable settlement for your pain and suffering, unless both parties agree to come to the table, you couldn’t mediate.  If the supermarket refused, you would have no choice to litigate and go through that whole ugly process, spending unnecessary time and money in addition to the copious amounts of undue stress it would cause you.

You’ve heard me speak of the benefits of mediation before and even in this example, I hope they are obvious: lower cost, more efficient and less stressful but how do you know you’re ready to take advantage of those mediation benefits?  It’s quite simple really when it comes down to it.  Ask yourself this one question:

have both me and my spouse made the decision to divorce?

In that one question, you will know if you are ready to explore mediation as an alternative to a litigated divorce.  Does it mean that you are good candidates for mediation?  Not necessarily as there are other factors that determine if you are such as your ability to communicate reasonably well, a willingness to work together for the sake of your children and a desire to maintain the peace.  If you want a fight, hire an attorney, if you want an agreement, hire a NJ divorce mediator.

As I said before: no one can be forced to go to mediation even though it is the smarter way to divorce.  Sometimes it’s simply a matter of a couple not being good candidates for mediation as they do not wish to come to an agreement or they wish to prolong the fight but sometimes it simply is a question of one of them has not, in their mind, made the decision to divorce.  As simple as that sounds, one needs to be ready to go through divorce mediation with an understanding that by working together they can control the outcome of their settlement and have a say in what their future holds and if you’re like me, that’s a pretty compelling reason.  If you are still holding on to the idea of your marriage, then you need to either seek the help of a marriage counselor to see if the marriage can be saved or seek the support of a therapist or friend to help you come to terms with your pending divorce.  As cliche as this may sound, you’ll know when you are ready and when you are, we’ll be here if you need us.

If you have any questions about divorce mediation or how mediation can benefit you, please feel free to contact us to set up a free, no obligation consultation in one of our six central NJ office locations or in the privacy of your marital home where we will get to know a little more about you and your situation to see if mediation is right for you.  or if you’re simply not ready yet, feel free to visit our website where you can learn more about divorce mediation and the mediation process.  We look forward to hearing from you.

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